God Damn It

Q: So, do you think God created us or did we create God?

A: We created the god who created us.

It’s Not Over Until It’s Over

So, the Internet is all a buzz over the 9th Circuit Court ruling overturning Prop 8 in California.   So much is being written about its details and specifics that I don’t think I need to add anything to it. 

This is such a bittersweet moment.  I'm happy and I'm sad at the same time.

The talks, discussions, arguments and yes, even the insane, bigoted, demonizing rants from some active LDS members and other religious fundamentalists that I've witnessed, and had to endure, over the last few days on Facebook, all pretty much fit in with the predictable pattern of human behavior that is based on extreme religious fundamentalism such as Mormonism as they go through culture changes.  Even drawing from my own experience as an angry and raging ex-Mormon homosexual who has been continually wronged by the hateful domination of my religious peers, and speaking hateful like language on my own blog towards the religions they've committed their loyalty to, I'm not completely innocent in my own rants.   But what is setting me apart in this is that I’m now aware of my own reality. 

 I can understand where they are and I know what drives their fears,  and I’m not trying to prevent them from living their religion, even if I find it misguided and hateful.  I’m also aware that I used to be one of them.  But now I’ve seen and experienced both sides, and I know that their fear is unfounded.  But they only know the shadows on the cave wall, which now look even more threatening to them than ever before.

We may have won this little fight, but the backlash, bullying, and violence are going to swell because of this.  The twisted, fear-crazed, religious fundamentalists, which includes much of the active LDS membership, right along with other fundamentalist around the nation, most of them in the south and mid-west, are going to be expressing their fear, hate, and rage in ways we've never seen before.   I fully expect to see an acceleration of the continual upsurge of violence toward LGBT people as this so-called "culture war" escalates. 

I know I'm considered a pessimist in this but sadly, this is just the way it is; this is reality. 

It will be several decades before it's even close to being over.  Even if the Supreme Court granted full national marriage rights in 2014, there will always be several generations of hateful and dangerous bigots to contend with.

It's going to get a lot worse before it gets better.

The Question of Choice, Again!

Well, controversy!  It appears that Cynthia Nixon has been saying things that have gotten a few people in a tizzy in the past about the concepts of choice and homosexuality.  And now, this recent article has brought that all back in to the discussion again.  (The money quote can be found in context on page 3 of the article.)

I gave a speech recently, an empowerment speech to a gay audience, and it included the line ‘I’ve been straight and I’ve been gay, and gay is better.’ And they tried to get me to change it, because they said it implies that homosexuality can be a choice.
And for me, it is a choice. I understand that for many people it’s not, but for me it’s a choice, and you don’t get to define my gayness for me.
A certain section of our community is very concerned that it not be seen as a choice, because if it’s a choice, then we could opt out. I say it doesn’t matter if we flew here or we swam here, it matters that we are here and we are one group and let us stop trying to make a litmus test for who is considered gay and who is not.
As you can tell, I am very annoyed about this issue. Why can’t it be a choice? Why is that any less legitimate? It seems we’re just ceding this point to bigots who are demanding it, and I don’t think that they should define the terms of the debate.

And a few others have been weighing in on it as well:

Sulli: The word "choice"
and
dadsprimalscream: Choices – We’re not All the Same

I like what they have to say about it.  And I agree with Cynthia and Dad, on this as I had pretty much come to the same conclusion myself last year in my post A Question of Choice.

But there is an argument going on in a few Facebook groups about it that I sort of let myself get sucked into.    And I realized that the topic isn't as straight forward for some as it was for me.  But I've been reflecting on it to see where I've come with this since last year. 

Some people feel like she was being a troll in her comment, I don't see it that way at all.  Some are concerned that bringing choice into the argument is dangerous for the younger and insecure kids trying to deal with this while being pounded on by the nasty religious environment they are growing up in, and that her statement is only adding fuel to their rhetoric.  I don't discount that many feel that way.   But I also believe that what they believe is fuel for their rhetoric could also be the very thing that drowns it.

Cynthia has a slightly different perspective than I do as she is attracted to everyone whereas I'm only attracted to my own sex.  Cynthia chose gay over not gay in the end.  But before that she also had to make the choice to accept that part of herself and choose to live it as well.   I also believe that many of the worst homophobes out there may have had the same type of choice.  But they chose to be not gay.  But before that, they chose to reject and hate the gay part of themselves.  

My choice was to decide if I was going to accept it and live as I am or repress it and live as someone who was not attracted to anyone.  I eventually chose the one that would make me happy because choosing asexually for the past 17 years stopped working for me.  So, I tried gay and gay was better.  I never chose heterosexuality because I could never understand it.  I did choose to consider it, date a few women, even claim I was straight, but all that time I was essentially, unconsciously, choosing asexuality when I did that.  And after awhile, I began to believe I was asexual and then eventually identified as such for a time.   I also chose not to live AS a heterosexual because I didn't have or understand what it was.  I chose what I understood.  

For far too long the LGBT community as been on the defensive.   The choice question has been allowed to be framed by the people who want to see choice in terms of right and wrong.  I can say I made a choice and I can defend my choice because I don't let the bigots frame the question of choice as right or wrong.   I did not choose my innate desires.  But I choose how I'm going to live with them.  The LDS church has come to the point now of accepting that the innate desires are not chosen, but that how we act on them is a choice.  Well, of course they are right, HOWEVER, they are also dictating what is the right or wrong choice by giving that choice meaning that is important only to them. And that if we choose wrong by their standards, we should not be respected, supported or loved.  This is pretty much the entire religious right's stance on it not just the LDS view.   

What I'm getting at and what I believe Cynthia is trying to say is that pandering to the bigotry, as if the bigots have any right to dictate what choices people make, is the wrong approach and the wrong way to justify one's own choices.

We do not have to justify our choice to live as we are, even though they are demanding it from us.  They're also demanding the right to have control over people to prevent them from making choices that they don't agree with and that don't even affect them.  That is what needs to be challenged.

Ironically, reminding them that their religious belief is a choice actually doesn't work because they see it as someone making the right choice.  And for them, if it's something they agree with, why shouldn't it be protected? 

Again, challenging their argument that personal choices shouldn't be protected because they disagree with them is really what it comes down to, and it's basically what the whole Prop 8 trial debate has been about.

Spot of Dirt

I find it really hard to be impressed by a religion that builds commercial centers for wealthy people and invests little to no money in homeless shelters or soup kitchens.  Many times my old ward would set up service opportunities wherin we would volunteer to work with another denomination's soup kitchen.  All time and money came out of our own pockets.  No LDS church funds were ever used to assist.

"City Creek Center, by contrast, was/is being built at ~$3,000 per square foot, or nearly 5x more expensive than the next nearest comparable property, and that’s assuming that the City Creek Center utilizes every square foot of the approximately 20-acre development site."

Source: Truth Hurts: Church Finance – Part IV

Imagine the possibilities of what this kind of money could do if it were spent in ways that really helped people. People who, from no fault of their own, truly needed it?

Source: MormonGags.com

The Question of Choice

It took me awhile to become aware of my gay behaviors.  But from day one, they were gay.  Such as, whom I checked out, crushed on, felt emotional, physical, and spiritual attraction too.   They were all gay behaviors.  But I didn't see them as gay. I wasn't aware that I was doing anything different from anyone else for many years until expectations from the church told me otherwise.

But even then, I didn't understand, nor did I think that much about what I was doing vs. what they think I should be doing.  I was only aware that the way I perceived the world seemed to be unique.  I felt different, weird even, or at odds with those around me.   I wasn't attracted to anyone male or female in any sexual way for reasons I thought had to do with the religious demonization of sexual coupling in general.  I later realized that my sexuality was much more complicated than that.  It wasn't about the sex itself. 

So, from that alone, I am confident that my innate sexual orientation is not a choice. And I'm confident that many of the innate behaviors associated with sexual orientation are not consciously chosen.  But Elder Oaks and Wickman would never believe me, nor would they believe anyone of any educated repute on the subject.  For proof, see LDS.org for more of their mind fuckary on the topic of homosexuality.  Little of it based on reality.  But then, if you believe in the fairytales of that religion, Oaks and Wickman will be fucking with your mind and you won't even know it.  

But there does at some point in life come a choice. And I will grant them that but only so far as they understand the basic definition of the word 'choice' and nothing more. 

The choice comes when acting on it is done consciously.  In that case, it's no one's business what choice I make.  It's my life.  I rule my domain only.  No one has any authority to make that choice for me or even suggest what choice I should be making.  How could anyone know how truly to make a choice for someone else when it comes to how we play out our internal attractions and innate needs and desires?  So, ultimately, the entire argument of choice, whether to be gay or to act on gay feelings, becomes completely irrelevant. 

Let's keep in mind one more thing here, the word 'lifestyle'.  If the religious types want to use the word 'lifestyle' when talking of homosexuality, to reinforce the concept of choice, than they must also accept the term to be used with heterosexuality.   No matter what 'lifestyle' one chooses, a choice to act on one's innate desires has been made either way.   But, why won't those living a heterosexual 'lifestyle' see that they have made a choice?  Because they have never had their choice questioned, ridiculed or demonized.  Those of us in the homosexual 'lifestyle' have. 

So, as a result, we've had an additional choice to make that the heterosexuals do not which is, the choice not to let all of the ridicule, demonization, hatred and bigotry spewed at us every day to stifle our happiness.  So that we may be able to fully accept ourselves. Fully embrace that we are indeed gay and that we have the right to choose that path.  After that, we can then choose to live as we are, openly in a homosexual 'lifestyle'. 

Many heterosexuals don't have a clue what that's like because it has never occurred to them that the heterosexual 'lifestyle' has been shoved down their throats since the day they were born.  Why does that not bother them?   It doesn't bother then because they are not homosexuals.   

UPDATE (Jan 28, 2012): More recent perspective here: The Question of Choice, Again!

Face Slapping

To some, my mere existence is a slap in the face of god.  To that I say, HA HA HA HA HAH AHA HA HA HA HA HA HAH AH A!!!!!

*Slap* *Slap* *Slap*

Now, turn the other cheek!

*Slap* *Slap* *Slap*

Ok, now the other cheek!

*Slap* *Slap* *Slap*

keep turning...

*Slap* *Slap* *Slap*

Ok, now that you're done slapping me, can I slap you?   No?

So much for the golden rule, eh? 

Boyd K. Packer

The rhetoric of Boyd K. Packer this year was needlessly caustic.  And while he may have never mentioned the words, "gay", "homosexual" or even the insidious phrase "same-sex-attraction", we all know what he was talking about.  We all know of his utter disdain for those that don't fit into his idealistic notion of gender, patriarchy and willful ignorance of the world at large.

Boyd K. Packer is just one of many I hold responsible for the damage done to the souls of gay individuals, young and old, in and out of the church.  Such damage that I still grapple with from time to time. 

Boyd K. Packer is the one I personally hold responsible for the encouragement of physical violence towards gay individuals, young and old, in and out of the church.  Such threats that I personally experienced and still find difficult to process.  Let us NOT forget that one of Mathew Sheppard's murderers was a Mormon.

Boyd K. Packer is just one of many who, when he speaks, will incite fear, hatred and malice towards the LGBT community.  The many who I hold responsible are the church members who say 'Amen' with enthusiastic unison to Packer's hostile words. 

If, in some small way, I can save one soul from the anathema that is religion, Mormon or otherwise, my life will not have been a complete waste.   I honestly don't know how I'm going to do that, but it's ok.  At least I managed to save myself for I am one of the lucky ones who found the self-awareness to understand my responsibility.  But many people aren't as fortunate, and many may never get to that point in their lives where they can learn how to repair the damage inflicted upon them, because many of them will have died by their own hand before they could get the support they desperately needed. 

Mormons often wonder why those that leave the church can't leave the church alone.  So they feel picked on by us angry, gay, ex/post-Mormons.  But, I don't care.  I am a product of that religion and culture, 40+ years in the making; it has permeated my DNA and it's not something I feel like I'm ever going to get over in my short lifetime.    Besides, they are the ones who can't leave US alone.  So, if the Mormon church is not willing to take responsibility for Boyd K. Packer, the damage he and many others have done and still do to the LGBT community, but instead continue to blame the victim or Satan, I'm going to continue to poke at their abhorrent hypocrisy, which could very well mean I may never leave them alone.

Lying for the Lord 2

I just want to draw everyone's attention to a sequence of blog posts that appeared yesterday, all with the theme "Lying for the Lord".  These caught my attention because a few weeks prior I had just posted my own take on "Lying for the Lord" so when I read these I was curious what direction they would take.  Part of me was wondering if they had read my post and were going to talk about what I said.  Yeah, I know, a bit narcissistic but it was really more of a worry than a hopeful aggrandizement of my ego.  Yeah, ok, that's still narcissistic. 

Anyway, sometimes I feel like I should take a more intellectual approach to these subjects but I find reading about them to be much more satisfying.  Besides, I think they all do a much better job intellectually addressing the subjects than I would, considering my flair for dramatics.  And I would rather use my blog as catharsis anyway. 

Here are the posts: 

1. Craig posted about Robert Millet..
2. Molly had more to say about Craig's post.
3. Then C.J. followed Molly's with a clarification and more thoughts of her own. 

Lying for the Lord

Main Street Plaza's

A few years ago when I first came out to a 'friend' about being gay, he said to me that as long as I can answer the temple recommend questions I have nothing to worry about.  This 'friend' was a real letter of the law TBM type of Mormon.  In the long story of that coming out moment, it ended the conversation and we sat for a while in profound and awkward silence for the rest of the car trip.

Since I was just starting to push the boundaries of personal honesty with myself and my dealings with the church and church members, his statement about answering the temple recommend questions really bothered me.  Aside from the severe resentment I felt by my friend's ignorant and arrogant statement which implied that my value as a human being was based solely on how I answered a set of questions regarding my loyalty to a particular religious practice, I also realized I had never in my life answered those questions 100% truthfully.  But at that time in my life, I was still very deeply afraid of being ostracized by all my friends and family so I was feeling rather shamed and self-conscious about how I would still need to lie in the temple recommend interview which bothered me quite a lot.

In the end, I stopped going to church well before my temple recommend expired in order to avoid the renewal interviews.  I let them all assume that I had moved away.  That is until nearly a year later when they got my resignation letter.   Good times.

Anyway, the last time I had a temple recommend interview was 2006.   And since then, I've thought long and hard about those temple recommend questions and the agonizing interviews where I would fight with my own conscience, struggling to stare that interviewer in the eye and hope that he couldn't discerned my deceit.   So, in looking back, I'm going to right the wrong and finally tell the truth as my Inner Dialog "Hi!" was trying to get me to do all of these years.  "HA! It's about time."  Yeah, yeah, I know.

Warning: It's long. There are 15 questions to get through here so just deal with it.  Also, I'm not really going to write anything all that intellectual here.  "Dude, no one cares; get on it with it already."  Ok, ok.  It's really a bit of a rant layered with sarcasm and offensive language and it rambles a bit.  And yeah, it's going to offend.  "Dude, offend away! It's not your problem."

Ok, let's get this over with, shall we?  "Finally!"

Question #1:  Do you have faith in and a testimony of God the Eternal Father, His Son Jesus Christ, and the Holy Ghost? 

Answer:  Yes. "Liar!"

Ok, ok.  So I lied.  Believing, or in my case, pretending to believe in the most fundamental doctrines of the church is also fundamental in fitting in to the prevailing culture.  If you don't believe, you don't belong; you are treated like an outsider.  To be treated as such in a community made up of 95% Mormons, ranges from simply being ignored to back stabbing to being overtly snubbed.  But that's only after they realize you didn't want to be a Mormon.  Besides, the remaining 5% were all beer drinking, adulterous, coffee drinking, intellectual, drug pushers who molested children and turned them into evil fornicating, feminist, homosexuals. And they all smoked to boot!  You don't want to be lumped in with them now, do you?  Yeah, I didn't think so. I think I'm justified in lying on this question. 

Question #2:  Do you have a testimony of the Atonement of Christ and of His role as Savior and Redeemer?

Answer: Yes. "Liar!"

I never did understand the whole concept of Christ's Atonement and all that.  It just didn't make sense to me.  If God was an all loving, all powerful being, why in the hell did he need to have someone take the fall?  Really.  The entire Christian Gospel plan, Mormon or otherwise, still makes my head spin when I try to make sense of it.  But, as I said before, I'm going to pretend that I have a testimony of this ridiculous shit so that I won't be treated like an outsider.

Question #3:  Do you have a testimony of the restoration of the gospel in these the latter days?

Answer: Yes. "Liar!"

Sigh!  Forget about me going to hell for not believing in this stuff, I'm going to hell for being a big fat liar. "You're darn tootin', mister."  Isn't that a Laurel and Hardy movie?  "What?"  Never mind.

You know, there was a time when I believed this one.  But I realized I only believed it because I was in love with the idea of it.  When the facts hit the fan, so did my love of the idea.  

Question #4:  Do you sustain the President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints as the Prophet, Seer, and Revelator and as the only person on the earth who possesses and is authorized to exercise all priesthood keys? Do you sustain members of the First Presidency and the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles as prophets, seers, and revelators? Do you sustain the other General Authorities and local authorities of the Church?

Answer: Yes. "Lie!  Dude! You're creeping me out!"

Oh my fucking god! What am I doing here?  Why am I doing this?  What the fuck?  I'm actually a bit creeped out by this question.  I've known too many people who have suffered severe spiritual abuse at the hands of these men.  Sadly, I didn't recognize that I was suffering the same abuse even though that creepiness feeling should have been an indicator that something was seriously wrong.  Still, I lie.  And I lie to myself.  It's no wonder I'm a bitter old man and I want to attack the Mormon church!  After all, they started it!  "Dude, you're not old." 

I just made the mistake of being born into it.  Yeah, mistake.  They told me that I got to choose my family in the preexistence because I was more valiant than the other souls.  Really!  So, it's my fault.  But these men also told me that because I was born under the convent (my parents were sealed in the temple before I was born), that I was double special.  But what they didn't know, HAHAHA, was that I was sealed to my parents later when I was around 4 years old.  I was never born under the convent.  So now what?  I guess that downgrades my specialness.  Why would an all loving, all powerful God, pick favorites for something so arbitrarily as that?  Honestly, what a complete asshole God is to his children. 

Question #5:  Do you live the law of chastity?

Answer: Yes. "Hey dude! You told the truth, HA! Well, sort of."

Ok, I didn't lie within the context of the intent of the question. But I wouldn't say it was by choice that I was celibate.  I didn't find having sex with women to be a temptation anyway. Hmmm, I wonder why. Is it because I'm righteous?  "No, it's because you're gay, dude!"  Ok, if I was gay then why didn't I have sex with men?  "Because you're righteous?"  Oh shut up, Internal Dialog!  The real reason was because I honestly didn't know it was possible.  That is really true!  "Ha! So THAT'S why they don't want people associating with The Gays! They might get ideas!  They might get educated or worse, recruited!"  Scary thought, isn't it?  Keep them in isolation; it will save their souls.  It's a testament to the level of repression and denial I was suffering.  And I do mean suffering. 

Still, I found a way to be "unchaste".  I used lots of mirrors!   "Dude, you really don't need to talk about this."  As a result, I have since expanded my definition of masturbation to be "solo sex" or sexual relations with myself, so I guess I did lie, just a little bit.  A tiny "white" lie.  "Dude! TMI."  Fine.

In any case, I'm bothered by the idea of sexuality as a basis for moral righteousness when it's really the lying, the deceit, and the manipulation, where sex is merely a tool, which really destroys lives.  But NO, it's all about sex, isn't it?  Sex IS the sin.  Sex is put up high on a pedestal and treated like something much greater than is really is or ever could be.  It's practically worshiped!  It's so sacred you are never to talk about it or utter the word!

SEX!  Say it!  SEK-SHOO-AL intercourse.  HO-MO-SEK-SHOO-AL.  SSSSSSSSSEEXXXX!

Seriously, stop using chastity as a euphemism for SEX!  It really makes it sound like we're trying to appear better than everyone else.  Oh, wait, we're Mormons, we are!  "I like sex."  I know you do, sweetie.

Question #6:  Is there anything in your conduct relating to members of your family that is not in harmony with the teachings of the Church?

Answer: Yes. "Truth!  Oh, shit, wrong answer."

Wait, what?  Can you repeat the question?  Seriously.  And please explain what you mean by "...not in harmony with the teachings of the Church" because there are some teachings of the Church that are not in harmony with the teachings of Christ.  I'm actually a bit offended by this question and because of that, I answer truthfully to point out the stupidity of it.  "Dude, you're not going to get anywhere with this. Sometimes the truth is not very useful."  You're right.  I'm joking, ha ha!  Everything is fine with regards to the family.  We're cool.  Sigh.  

I knew a fine lady who had her temple recommend revoked because her husband was abusing her.  The logic here was that as long as there was strife in the home, there was no way that she deserved the blessings of the temple.  And that she needed to go back and honor her husband so he had no reason to treat her the way he did.  Yeah, take a way an individual's only grounding spiritual avenue from an abusive situation because, after all, it's really the victims fault.  That's the sort of spiritual abuse I'm talking about from Question #4. 

I think our family did much better when we, for the most part, avoided the church as a source of any guidance in that regard.  I'm happy to report that things are cool now.  My response to this question was in looking back to the early 90's when things were really, really, really, really, really, really, bad.  Yes, that's 6 'really's.  In the 80's I would have used something like 47 'really's.   In 2006 it was still bad but I wouldn't use any 'really's.   "Really?"  Yeah, really. 

Question #7:  Do you support, affiliate with, or agree with any group or individual whose teachings or practices are contrary to or oppose those accepted by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints?

Answer: No.  "Dude, you might be lying here. Perhaps you should ask for clarification."

No, I will not ask for clarification. Remember what happened in question #6?  "Oh yeah, forget it."   Why is this even a question?  You need to explain to me EXACTLY what this has to do with my worthiness.  This question really fucking bugs me to no end.  I supported, affiliated and agreed with the most Christ like person I know, who just happens to be an atheist.  He was my grandfather.  You people seriously need to teach people HOW NOT to judge rather than make this entire gospel discourse about HOW to judge.  Question #7 to me really runs at the heart of why most Mormons are not capable of being Christians.   

Question #8:  Do you strive to keep the covenants you have made, to attend your sacrament and other meetings, and to keep your life in harmony with the laws and commandments of the gospel?

Answer: Yes.  "Dude, you almost had me fooled there but your still lying."

I'm getting good at this lying thing in that I really believed I was telling the truth when I said yes to that.  But honestly, I would rather sit in the foyer talking to friends than in the chapel pretending to care.  And no, I don't have time to do that calling you asked me to do.  In fact, I think next Sunday I'm going to be out of town or something.  Yeah, my job, you know how it is?  At least I showed up to church and got counted and then did all that financial clerk crap that I was called to do.

Looking back, I was always looking for excuses, and quite often, I would make up shit to get out of going to church and avoid church callings and all that other crap.  I'm a bad person. "Awww."  As in Awesome.

Question #9:  Are you honest in your dealings with your fellowmen?

Answer: Yes. "Truth! Except for that one thing..."

It should be blatantly obvious by now that when it comes to dealing with the church and people in the church, I'm a lying sack of shit!  Honesty only exists outside the context of my religious circle.

As a side note to this, there was once a Mormon city official my brother had to deal with who believed that the above question only applied to dealings with people in the church.  Outside of that, it didn't matter.  People who weren't Mormons were dishonest and the only way to deal with dishonest people was to be dishonest right back.  My brother finally got that particular Stake President fired from his job and then released early from his highly esteem church calling.  Those Utah Mormons can really be a handful sometimes.  Oh my goodness! 

Question #10:  Are you a full-tithe payer?

Answer: Yes. "Truth! HA HA! Suck it, sinners!"

Ha ha!  See, I'm a good Mormon!  I didn't lie.  And because I pay my tithing based on my gross income and then round UP, that right there makes me better than the low-life's who don't!  And it makes up for all the lying to boot!  Also, here is a little extra to help the poor.  Wait, what?  You can't help them unless they are active, full-tithe, paying members?  What the fuck!?

Sigh.  I deeply, deeply regret that I was a full tithe payer.  "And a snooty one at that."  Yep.

Question #11:  Do you keep the Word of Wisdom?

Answer: Yes. "Uhmm, this is a half-truth. I think."

Word of Wisdom or WoW.  Wow! Seriously, WoW!  Get it? "Dude, that's stupid, no one cares." 

Anywho, the entire WoW has been reduced down to the big four: Coffee, Tea, Alcohol and Tobacco.  Forget about all the other things stated in there, the big four are all this question is really asking.

Since I can't abide smoking or tobacco anyway, that's a nonissue.  Also, I don't like the taste of tea so I can at least feel smug about that.  However, I love my coffee.  Yeah, I'm going to tell people I like it but I'm not going to tell anyone I actually drink the stuff.  I mean, really, what good would come of it?  Remember that 5% I want to avoid being associated with?  I'm going to drink my coffee in secret! 

As for alcohol, the last time I drank that stuff I was around 10 or 12 years old I think.  It was a cheap but tasty red wine that my dad let me have.  I never got around to drinking much alcohol after that nor did I have much opportunity because I could never risk getting caught buying the stuff.  That made it easy to avoid.  I also didn't have many friends who drank.  The ones who did kept it to themselves because we would shun them when they did. You know about all that "avoid the appearance of evil" crap?  Yeah, we are real assholes, but we were righteous assholes.  So, except for an occasional coffee I was good to go.  Right? 

Apparently, coffee wasn't supposed to bar me entrance to the temple. But I could never know when I would get interviewed by some Mormon Nazi who would decide that coffee drinking was a greater sin than me lying about not having sex with myself.  "Dude! You never had it that bad."  Yeah, I know, but lesser things happened to other people and it really bugged the ever living shit out of me and put me on edge.

Now, I have a beer occasionally. And I'm not afraid to drink it right in front you!  Ha!  Would you like one?  There is still some in the fridge.  Or I could open that new bottle of wine I just bought that's sitting next to the coffee maker.  Hey, where are you going?  Oh yeah, you're avoiding the appearance of evil.  Touché. 

Now, what about the rest of the WoW?  It also says to eat lots of veggies and grains and eat very little meat.  And I do follow that. Well, not because of the WoW but because I feel like eating that way.  Some days I may actually go an entire day without eating meat.  I'm just not in the mood for it.  However, I'm a glutton for peanut-butter-chocolate-chip-oatmeal-cookie-dough-ice-cream so, no, I don't keep the WoW in its full context. Wait, the WoW doesn't say anything about gluttony?  Well it should! 

"We really need to move on here."  No, wait, I'm not done.

You know what else?  I don't think anyone really knows what the fuck the WoW is really all about anyway.  You know? For a short time there in the early 1900's, beer was acceptable under the WoW and refined flour was not!    And then there is this indecisive issue with caffeine and soda drinks.  And back to my previous point about all of the other stuff not being considered anymore.  What the...why the hell has it been twiddled down to the big four anyway?  Come on people!  Make up your mind!  Either get a revelation from God that sticks to something or forget about it!   Is God really that wishy washy?    "Actually, he is." 

Moving on... 

Question #12:  Do you have financial or other obligations to a former spouse or children? If yes, are you current in meeting those obligations?

Answer: ---

I was never asked this.  They all knew I had never been married so they just skipped it.  I wished they would ask, that way there would be more questions where I didn't have to lie. 

Question #13:  If you have previously received your temple endowment: Do you keep the covenants that you made in the temple?  Do you wear the garment both night and day as instructed in the endowment and in accordance with the covenant you made in the temple?

Answer: Yes. "Lie? Well... yeah, you lied."

Ok, this is where it gets all weird.  I don't really remember what covenants I made in the temple; I was very young and naive back then.  I went through twice before leaving on my mission and have never gone back.  The experience was creepy and I never felt comfortable with it.  Besides, I only needed the temple recommend, not the temple experience, to look like a good Mormon.

As for the magic G's, quite often I would go around wearing only the top when I did wear them.  Does that count?  I thought of it more as a t-shirt to keep my sweaty armpits from leaking to my outer shirt but most importantly, it was to fool people into thinking I was a Mormon In Good Standing™.  As for the bottoms, I preferred that sexy animal print, string-bikini underwear for the sexiness and the support.  Besides, those darned magic G's would chafe my thighs like a motherfucker and the seams were always falling apart!  "Dude, I think you're going too far with this one."  No, shut up, Internal Dialog, I've got more to say about this.

I always thought it was ironic that people would tell me to buy those "mesh fabric" Gs because it feels like you have nothing on!  What the fuck?  Seriously, what the fuck?  I honestly can't figure out how to process that information.  Underwear that feels like you are not wearing underwear?   Here's a clue, why don't you simply NOT put any underwear on!  Yeah, I know, protection from harm and evil and all that hocus pocus.  So then, how come when I was on my mission and wrecked my bike and landed on my shoulder, there was a huge hole in my G's and my collar bone dislocated?   "Oh, please don't go there."  Was it because I was an unrighteous, lying, masturbator who didn't have any self control?  Just like all the other missionaries?  "No, Dude, that's not it.  Let it go."  No, it's because it was all a bunch of crap!  It was just another idea that I was in love with only so that I could convince myself that it might possibly be true.  What was I thinking?  Logic and reason, out the window because I was in love with the idea of personal body armor. "You weren't that bad about it." True, because I preferred my armor to look more like those sexy Star Wars Storm Troopers anyway.  "Ok, we need to move on."  That magic G armor was not sexy at all. In fact, it was anti-sexy.  But Storm Troopers, now that is what I call sexy body armor. Yeah, it's useless for blaster fire but who cares, so are magic G's.  I would totally do a guy while we were wearing outfits like that.  The base layer is Spandex for crying out loud!  Those magic G's were anti-sex.  Hey, I suppose that makes sense in the context of protecting a person's chastity.  Err, I mean sexual virginity.  Stick ugly underwear on them and they're fine.  Hmm, doesn't explain those gay guys with magic G fetishes.  What's the deal with that?  I don't get it. 
 
"Moving on?"

Sigh.  Moving on...

Question #14:  Have there been any sins or misdeeds in your life that should have been resolved with priesthood authorities but have not been?

Answer: No. "Yeah, Dude! I think you might be telling the truth with this one. I think."

Yeah I'm telling the truth because I'm starting to see where this is all left to my interpretation.  What is the context of "sins", "misdeeds" and "resolved"?  Other than my habitual Lying for the Lord™, I don't know what else I would mention.  I did tell my mission president that I masturbated.  But have I resolved it?  Does simply talking about it mean it's been resolved?   I still masturbate in ways that would make your skin crawl and your sensitive little heart go running off screaming to ask God for mercy if you were to see the things I like to do to myself.  So, you really want to know?  Seriously?  I have pictures. "Dude! Don't even..."  And for something that gives me a profound spiritual experience, how do I know it's even a problem?   And that begs the next question, what is meant by "problem"?   No, I'm doing just fine. 

Question #15:  Do you consider yourself worthy to enter the Lord's house and participate in temple ordinances?

Answer: Yes. "You speak truth! I'm proud of you dude!"

Yep, I believe I'm worthy to enter the Lord's house.  Besides, if my adulterous uncle is worthy, even while standing in the Celestial room of the temple, telling dirty jokes, than I believe I'm worthy too, even more so than he.  But the better question to ask is if I WANT to participate in temple ordinances?  And if that is asked, I'll probably lie.  Again, I want to fit in, despite the fact it is 2006 and the last time I was creeped out in a temple was 1991.   "Are you sure?" No, wait.  The last time I set foot in a temple was 1995 in Bountiful, Utah. But it was only the temple dedication and not an endowment session so it doesn't count.  "Oh, yeah. That doesn't count. Not as creepy."

Ok, well there you have it.  I've gone through the temple recommend questions, holding myself accountable for the lies I told.  And not only do I feel better about myself, I'm better person for doing it. "Dude, you're so cool, I love you."  I love you to; want to have sex?  "Dude! This is not the place to for that."  TMI?  "TMI."

Apologies to my uncle for bringing up his past transgressions. If it weren't for him, I wouldn't have had that cognitive dissonance welling up in the back of my mind all these years.  Those jokes he told in the temple were very distasteful, even for me.

Happy New Year!

Before I go off on a heavy handed tyrannical rant, I would just like to pre-apologize for the offenses that I will deliberately be dishing out.  OK, to be honest, this is only a partial or rather fake apology.  What I'm really getting down to is that this is just a preamble to some serious and offensive ranting and I'm not holding back.  Why I'm even bothering to warn the reader?  Why don't I just start ranting?  Because I seriously don't want to hurt anyone's feelings with what I'm about to say.  As I'm currently in a state of some deeply hurt feelings myself, I wouldn't wish such things one anyone else.   With that being said, I'm going to start off my little rant by first inviting anyone who might be offended to seriously fuck off.  I'll recap on that later.

Anyway...I just got past the holiday season.

Oh My Fucking God!

I have a love/hate relationship with this time of year.  But this time around it's mostly the hate.

How did the year end and how did the new one start?  It ended with a crash and a bang and bunch of other complete bullshit.  It was an otherwise great year that came together in the most fucked up holiday season ever.  And it's still not over yet.  In fact I think I'll still have a few more months of this shit before I might be clear enough to start thinking and feeling grounded again.  It's not to say I'm in a constant state of rage.  I do have moments throughout the week of positivity, but it's only about 0.6% of the time.  I think that equates to about an hour per week where it's just me and the equines.

I debated if I should even bother listing all the shit that has gone down since October but I don't think I will.  There is just too much of it.  Perhaps it would have been better had I made small blog entries for each incident as they happened.  But it really came down to the fact that I'm still relatively anonymous on this blog and after considering the implications of revealing the nature of the shit that's gone down, it would seriously compromise my identity.   Besides that, listing all that shit would incite a pity party.   It's bad enough that I pity myself as much as I do.  Getting it from others doesn't feed my ego in healthy ways.  And right now the combination of all this shit going down and the affects of Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), regress me to some serious irrationality.  Besides, all of the shit that's happened is actually incidental and doesn't really have any real meaning.  The important question to ask is: How I've been handling it all?  To which I would respond: GAH!!! 

Needless to say I've got so much pent-up anger right now I could bite anyone who crosses me...until they bleed of course, and then I would let them go.  I'm not a vampire and don't like the taste of blood.  Don't worry.  I am seeking counseling. 

But for now I feel like ranting about shit that I've wanted to rant about for decades.   And to make it even worse my rant is all a fucking cliché.  When ranting about the so-called Holiday Season how could it not be? 

When I see people walking around wishing each other "Merry Christmas" and "Happy New Year" and all that crap, I want to gag.  And yet I find myself going along with it anyway so I don't come across as a complete asshole.  But deep down inside I'm screaming, "Whatever!"  That alone pisses me off further.  It's hypocritical and I'm angry at myself for playing the game.

It's a pointless and mindless time of year where people try to act extra nice.  Why now?  Why not all of the time?  These holidays and their dates are utterly arbitrary to me.  Take New Year's Day for instance.  That one is especially pointless to me.   It is a week and a half after the winter solstice.  To me the solstice is more like a new year than January 1.   A solstice is an actual measurable physical phenomenon that can be used to mark the end and beginning of a solar cycle.    January 1 is just a number on some made-up calendar.  Who made up that calendar anyway?  And why does that calendar say the year has to be 2010?   Why not 8302 or some other number in say, base 12?

And then there is the Christmas holiday and all of that crap.  Set aside the fact that December 25 is not even the actual date of the birth of the Christian religion so to speak.  But that doesn't really matter.  What matters is that it's the one time out of the year where all of the hypocrites can come out in droves and be EXTRA hypocritical.  Personal experience has allowed me to witness many so-called Christmas holidays where Christianist behave in some of the most unchristian ways ever seen.  That really doesn't bode well for celebrating the birth of their Savior™.

Another thing that doesn't bode well is that most of the modern Christmas traditions claimed by some Christianist come from the Pagans!  Yeah, PAGANS!    After all, to trick the Pagans into becoming Christians they had to assimilate their traditions.  But don't worry; it was all done in the name of Christ.  Too bad that Christians don't know who Christ really is anymore.  Not that they would care anyway.  And they especially wouldn't give a shit what a godless heathen such as myself would have to say about it anyway.

Sorry folks, I guess I just don't have the Christmas spirit.  Well, I guess if I stick with just the hypocrite part I do have it.  I get that.  But the rest of it?  Whatever!

Am I waging a war on Christmas?  I don't think so.  Christianist are doing it themselves just fine.  I'm just watching them go at it while I do my own thing.  Such as: no lights, no tree, no music, no shopping, no family, no handouts and no Christ.  Selfish?  Meh.  If you want all that stuff, great!  Go for it.  I don't care.  Just don't expect me to do it to. 

God, I'm glad the holidays are over!

I guess this makes me a scrooge or a curmudgeon or something.  It doesn't matter.  I'm hated by one group of people or another no matter what I think, say or do.  So I'm going to do my own god damned thing from now on and if you like it, join me, if not, FUCK OFF!  I'm serious.  I invite anyone who finds my little rant offensive to seriously fuck off.  I don't mind at all.  It may sound like I mind because of the seemingly harsh language but at this point I'm really not talking directly to anyone.  It's more of a proverbial use of the phrase to anyone in my life who really does need to fuck off.

Postscript: It was the Christians who came up with the word 'Pagan' to call these unbelieving, polytheistic, heathen, low life, evil people.  I'm proud to be called a Pagan.  It's like taking back the word 'fag', which I'm am one of those as well.  :)  Happy Xmas!  (Nov 20, 2010)

Christ would never be a Mormon

An interesting little thing popped up on the internet earlier this month. It's a response from the Christian Anti-Defamation Commission (CADC) regarding the results of a survey conducted by the Gallop Poll on the public's view of gay marriage: "Are You Safe? How Moral Corruption Can Be Prevented"

I wonder why that poll or its results would be something that the CADC would bother with. It wasn't attacking or defaming any Christians. I guess for Christianists, just placing the word 'gay' next to the word 'marriage' is provocation enough to be considered an attack.

As expected, the little CADC's article was quickly addressed on many other blogging sights that I follow. My favorite addressed the CADC's misuse of the bible: "Don't be deceived by teh gays!!"

That crap in the CADC's article and what I endured in Mormon Sunday school every week, up until I resigned last winter, is essentially the same damned thing. It's interesting that even though the Mormons have fundamentally different doctrines and ways of interpreting the bible, they will come up with the exact same un-Christian like ideas that the evangelical fundamentalists have, but still claim to be the only source of truth.

No matter how soft the Mormons' think their rhetoric on homosexuality as become, it will never undo the hell-fire-damnation-pulpit-pounding of decades past. The religious culture is too ingrained. Frankly, I believe the new "softer" rhetoric from the church is just a rebranding of the same old shit from the past, making it much worse. For hell's sakes, they refuse to acknowledge the clinical word 'homosexual' and instead prefer the term 'same-gender attraction (SGA)'! It's usually paired with the word 'problem' or 'struggle' or 'suffer' and equated to a handicap or a drug and alcohol addiction. There is no concept of self-acceptance in the gospel if you're gay. Those with SGA are not to accept that part of themselves. It is to be hidden deep down inside and NEVER TALKED ABOUT, EVER! Doing otherwise would lead to temptation, sin and eternal damnation. So, no matter what they say, being gay is a stigma, a stigma that will always be to your condemnation in the church.

It's a typical example of spiritual manipulation and abuse. Invent a moral dilemma and then promise salvation from it. For some it results in an extreme loyalty to the church and its gospel, for others, severe depression, schizophrenia and suicide.

Mormons are not bad people. There is no such thing as bad people. They are good people who are motivated by fear to do what they think is right. Sometimes what they do is actually bad but believe it's for the greater good. It's in God's hands. His will be done. And often, as seen in the bible, God's will was death and destruction. To give oneself over to an "authority" is noble to them. But it's also justification for absolving oneself of personal responsibility when dishing out what they believe to be God's judgment. It's not just Mormons. Insert any fanatical belief system that motivates adherence through fear. Bad things start to happen.

We homos are just another thing in the Mormon bucket of things to fear. But, again, this is more about a culture that stems from people who, out of fear, isolate themselves and paint their own version of reality to immune themselves from new and threatening information. A culture so ignorant and anathema to sanity, it's no wonder why suicide rates are high amongst the Mormons.

During my time growing up as a confused Gayish-Mormon-Boi in Utah, all I understood about the outside world came from television and movies. I was an overly sensitive and highly impressionable kid and took it all at face value. I didn't know what was going on "in between the lines" so to speak. But thanks to my loving, authoritarian, dogmatic, ecclesiastical authority figures, the "truth" of it was all explained to me on a weekly basis in lurid and sometimes disturbing detail. Was any of it true? No, but I wouldn't find out for another 20 odd years.

That steady stream of misinformation and demonization from those trusted "authorities" had really twisted my ability to correctly perceive people. (Hell, I could probably write a whole book on misperception.) So naturally, I developed an unhealthy fear of people, especially the gay ones, which is why I'm going to be in therapy for awhile.

The cultural climate was essentially that most non-Mormons were evil and did nothing all day but do the evil doing. We Mormons were, at all costs, to stay clear of anyone that does do the evil doing. Especially if they looked like they might possibly be a doer of evil, as even the appearance of evil must be avoided. And we needed to be extra vigilant as Mormons because evil doers often presented themselves with a pleasant and friendly appearance to deceive us so they could corrupt us in subtly enticing ways.

Now, just imagine for a moment waking up one morning and realizing that you might be gay, thus automatically making you evil. Hey, that's what the "authorities" warned me would happen if I ever felt the evil gayness inside of me. And the "authorities" spared no expense to proclaim, with their absolute God given authority, all the different evil doings that that the evil gay evil doers would do. They told us in detail what these gays looked and acted like, and about all the horrendous, deprived, evil, activities they engaged in and committed on unsuspecting adults and children. And now, I somehow become one of them, either by committing an evil gay act on myself or allowing some evil gay to act his evil gay acts on me. One particular "authority" also made it clear that it was my own fault if I didn't violently protect myself.

Now, I was never sexually molested but, because an "authority" said so, I used to believe that my gayness was because I was molested as a small child. And because I believed that I was molested -- albeit lost in some repressed memory I'm sure -- I believed that I would become a molester. After all, according to the "authorities", I was "molesting" myself all the time whenever I masturbated. It was only a matter of time, given the opportunity, before I would be tempted to pass it along. I was so scared of having my life ruined by even an accusation of molestation that I went out of my way to avoid children for decades.

Well, the next stage was the inevitable isolation, loneliness, repression, depression and suicidal longings. The "authorities" also were quick to teach that all that misery was because of my depraved self-molestation and evil thoughts of doing the evil gay doings. To them it was God's way of helping us understand what we were doing wrong so we could repent. What more could you want for a 13 year old kid than to ensure he understands his guilt so that he can repent?

Moral dilemma!

Now the "authorities" begin to school me on the ways of "righteousness" so that I would be free of the evil gayness. Making sure I paid my tithing was number one priority. Tithing didn't bother me; I didn't have any money so it didn't apply. The rest of it was all just simplistic promises and lip service. Be vigilant in controlling all "bad" thoughts. Pray to God like you really mean it, because if you REALLY mean it you will be "cured". If you weren't cured, then you were being selfish.

I guess I was a selfish pervert who didn't mean it because it never went away. More guilt. More, isolation. More, repression, depression and suicidal thoughts. And I mustn't forget that there were a few "authorities" back then who instructed that suicide was an instant go-to-hell card. Do not pass redemption, do not collect salvation. So, more guilt for thinking about suicide.

And I thought religion was supposed to foster spiritual awareness and enlightenment.

Yes, moral dilemma indeed.

Thankfully, out of much desperation, I got wise to the ignorance of the "authorities". And out of that desperation, I finally allowed myself to question all of it to see for myself what it really was.

Complete bullshit! Obviously.

Within less than a year, my faith in ecclesiastical "authorities", religion and even god, were smashed into oblivion. I tried in vain to hold on to what shred of faith I thought I had left but I kept grasping at nothing. It was all an illusion. I no longer had any belief left in me. I had become.... AN APOSTATE! It's not surprising as I had resisted much of the doctrine because it never made any sense to me. But the culture wouldn't allow me to question any of it. Questioning was BAD, BAD, BAD, EVIL BAD! That scared me more than my internal evil bad gayness.

Ironically, I quickly discovered just how spiritually empowering apostasy was. And it was AWESOME!

Unfortunately, I had just added "Son of Perdition" to my ongoing list of evil doings. Not that I really cared anymore but, ecclesiastical "authorities" and their authoritarian followers perceive apostasy to be so serious it warrants active endorsement of some rather ignominious un-Christian actions -- just like the ones in the CADC article. All performed in the name of Christ of course.

Another moral dilemma! Not for me, for them. A dilemma that many of them will never realize they have. Oh, the bitter taste of irony.

It's a really surreal and frustrating feeling coming out to a "True Believing Mormon" (TBM). They go from respecting you as an equal human being, in the eyes of God, to suddenly thinking of you as a morally depraved, lower-class, sub-human with a mental illness who is no longer worthy of love, respect or even association.... in the eyes of God. But they will be quick to say to your face that they love you and that God loves you and that is why we have the Atonement. Really? The Atonement? It's as if being gay was a sin. Oh, wait.... I forgot, I have sinned because I no longer see it as a struggle. I've accepted it. I'm now "living in sin". Wow! Sin is such an incredibly misused word.

One TBM friend in particular was outwardly disgusted by the gay part. His way of expressing it was to make rude jokes in front of my co-workers or other people. His tone was sharply underscored with a high level of disdain. Many people noticed it and wondered what was up his ass. Incidentally, he is also the Elders Quorum president and the only other Mormon at the company. When he noticed that my church records were removed, he went out of his way to avoid me. Obviously not setting a good example of Mormonism but who am I to judge? I was such a horrible "example" I felt the need to resign.

Some other TBM friends expressed collective suspicion of my motives as a gay Mormon and some were even concerned that I was going to start demanding that the Mormon church perform gay temple marriages or "sealings". It was easily dispelled through a bit of common sense but it didn't do much to restore their opinion of me.

Right now, I'm giving them some time. I'm letting them see that after all of these years I have not molested their children, ruined their marriages, infected their families with my gay cooties or destroyed their faith in god. Although, I wouldn't mind destroying their faith in God and freeing their minds of the clutches of magical thinking; but alas, I don't have that power.

Thankfully, I don't have to associate with them. I prefer to spend my time around positive and affirming people rather than those who think they can live by the paradox of 'Love the sinner, hate the sin', or the even more insidious, 'we're not anti-gay, we're pro-family'.

As hard as it has been to get to this point in my life, I'm willing to cut them off at any moment if the vitriol becomes too nasty. But, for the most part, I really won't need to do that. Their religious culture will warrant it for me with such wonderfully un-Christian ideas like:

• Never associate with bad people.
• Bad people are enemies to the church which include, but not limited to: non-Mormons, drinkers, smokers, fornicators, intellectuals, feminists, gays, etc.
• Never empathize with, sympathize with or even tolerate the enemies.
• Never talk to the enemy unless you are calling them to repentance.
• When in doubt about how to recognize any of the above, consult the General Authorities.
• Ad nauseam
• Ad infinitum

Those lessons are absolutely the face of Christian hypocrisy. And, like I mentioned before, it's a moral dilemma that many of them will never recognize they have.

Some would say I'm the one being hypocritical. In a manner of perception I can understand that. After all, I'm spewing my own self-righteousness and pointing out other people's hypocrisy. And though I'm not really claiming any specific code of ethic, I am being condescending in my tone. But at least I'm talking responsibility for it.

Whereas the Christianists are "shouting from the rooftops" with much arrogance and certainty that Christ has given them absolute "truth". And that "truth" dictates that all must obey a specific, dogmatically narrow, philosophy or face terrible consequences. Those who reject their "truth" are looked down upon with fear, disdain and hatred. They say and believe they have tolerance, respect, and love for all people as their dogma dictates they should, but their words and actions say otherwise. After all, they believe they are only performing the will of God.

It really feels weird to say this but, I agree with the other fundamental evangelical Christianists out there who say Mormons are not Christians, although we differ as to why. Besides, it takes one to know one doesn't it? Yes it does. And it just so happens, by their standards, I'm not a Christian either.

Christ was trying to teach people to live without fear. Christianists are just trying to scare the hell out of people.

Mormon Faggots

I was in a little instant message chat with a gay friend one evening when he suddenly started ranting about his frustration with the Gay Scene. I was somewhat confused. I had no idea what he meant by that. What was this Gay Scene that was all worth getting frustrated over? He went on to tell me about the fucking, shallow, jerks who were spreading rumors about him on Craig's List of his sexual behaviors of "getting around the town". I assume that meant he was being accused of slutting it up. Well, he does live in a small rural community in the west, and I suppose the rarity of gays out there make them somewhat territorial. Hmmm, sounds like a catfight!

Anyway, it got me thinking. There was something bugging me about this gay guy referring to his cruising as if it were a special lifestyle, -- a special Gay Lifestyle. Was the Gay Scene or Gay Lifestyle only about cruising for sex? Why wasn't there a thing called the Straight Scene or Straight Lifestyle? There are a lot more straights cruising for sex than gays. What made it so special that it was given a name of its own? And why does he refer to it as the Gay Scene?

I don't really suppose that I'm going to actually answer these questions with any modicum of facts and figures. Honestly, it's all just a hodgepodge of personal opinion. But I'm going to ponder my experiences and see what happens as I explore this idea of the Gay Scene.

The only real visible sign of gay culture that some people think of as the Gay Scene appears to be the leftovers of a culture that is reminiscent of its heyday in the 70's and 80's, when sexual liberation had matured and being out and proud was the new thing. I saw brief glimpses of it on TV growing up, -- but only after we got cable. Let's see, what do I remember? Ah yes, fabulous gender-bending queens, lots of skinny tan guys with pink feather boas and cut-off blue jeans-- cut to with an inch of their life, -- and those hot, shirtless, muscly men in their sexy leather chaps. Ooo, I need to repeat that. Hot, shirtless, muscly men in their sexy leather chaps. Sigh.

Anyway, was all of that audacious flaunting in the streets of San Francisco waving rainbow colored flags the Gay Scene? No, I think that was just California, although it has since spread to other states. To me it always looked a lot like a Mardi Gras except with less alcohol, less nudity and a visual distinction that looked, well, gay.

Incidentally, what in the hell does gay look like when it comes to judging the person? I can pass for the straightest acting gay guy east or west of the Mississippi and yet I'm as gay as gay can get. On the Kinsey scale of human sexuality I'm a 7. But people insist that I don't look gay. And only the really perceptive guys, who are looking for it, or my mom, will see the signals, but only after a while. And since my gaydar is sorely underdeveloped, I have to make sure I'm in or near the Gay Scene to get anywhere. But I don't know what that is!

What I've seen in the gay world and what I've seen in the straight world looks the same to me.
What I see is that the terms Gay Scene or Gay Lifestyle are pejorative labels used by people who think gays are, to put it nicely, icky. And those gay folks who think of themselves as icky and don't realize the double standard in play, would be the ones who use it on themselves.

The non-gay acting straight folks don't use the word lifestyle to describe their scene obviously. But insist on using that word to describe the Gay Scene. Well, except for S&M. The term "The Lifestyle" or "The Scene" is commonly used which is fine. But then those religious, non-gay acting straights, or rather, Christian anti-gay activists, would never admit to the existence of S&M amongst the straights. They make great attempts to convince everyone that S&M is only an uber-perverted, gay thing. Heh! Sorry to burst your bubble there Christianists, but it's not perverted and it's not only a gay thing! I dare say that the only thing about S&M that can be called perverted is the fucked up version that permeates the everyday life of many Christianists. But that is a topic for another time.

As a matter of interest, S&M is the only real organized lifestyle or scene to emerge from that wonderful leather subculture of the gay community. Unfortunately it has, almost completely, been taken over by heterosexuals. And quite frankly it sickens me! Every time I go online to shop for S&M gear, I have to hold back my gag reflex as I'm being assaulted by blatant displays of heterosexual bondage! Eww! I really wish these straight people wouldn't go around flaunting their sexuality so much!

Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, the Gay Scene. No wait, not yet. I'm not done ranting about Christianist. Allow me to indulge myself with some reminiscing.

I came out late in life. It wasn't that I just decided to come out of the closet to tell the world, I wasn't able to accept I was gay until late in life. Yeah, it's a long, sordid and sadly pathetic story so I'll spare you all and not tell most of it. But it went like this:

I was immersed in a religious culture that prided itself on demonizing the world at large. And as one would expect, doing it without a clue as to what the world really was. Mostly blanket statements about Satan's influence and ushering in the end of the world. To them Satan was a powerful force lurking around every corner waiting to turn people into miserable tools for evil. And because we had the "one true gospel", the evildoers were jealous and hateful of our fortune. All they were intent on doing was persecuting and corrupting us poor happy Mormons to be miserable like them.

Now, this isn't really about the Mormons themselves. It's about my friend and me as Mormons! And it's not pretty. Like all good, psychotic, God fearing, Christian religions, everything revolves around the denunciation of sex. We were taught, in church, starting at the age of puberty, that masturbation was a form of sexual abuse that makes you gay. And the worst possible thing that could happen to you would be choosing to get sucked into a debasing, vile addiction such as homosexuality. Yeah, that's what we were taught! Homosexuality was a debasing, vile addiction caused by masturbation. And not only that but homosexuality was a sin almost as evil as murder. Actually, depending on whom you talked to and what mood they were in, it was worse than that. All sex outside of marriage was an evil sin as almost as bad as murder, but homosexual sex was as bad or worse than murder! LOL!

I can laugh at it now but it was serious shit back then. Total Fucking Serious Shit! And when the AIDS scare hit our little socially isolated world, that Total Fucking Serious Shit hit the proverbial Totally Badass, Gas Powered, Super Shit Spreading Fan! The times of Sodom and Gomorrah had come! Gay people were no longer just perverted, child molesting, homosexuals. They were now perverted, child molesting, homosexual, ass-fucking Sodomites! And they were here to destroy humanity with the new plague of the century, AIDS! Oh, and anal warts too. LOL!

Still, I laugh at it now but it was serious shit back then! Well, it's still serious shit today but I digress.

My response to such religious programming in relationship to my reluctant self-discovery as a teenager was to stuff it deep down in the back of my mind and forgot about it. The gay world, the straight world, even my personal S&M alone time was all off my gaydar, radar and dungeon play, for 20+ years.

I was well aware of the straight world because all my friends at the time where straight and I had no choice but to accept the overt flaunting of heterosexuality. It was all too disgusting for a repressed, straight, gay-guy like me to willingly or even successfully participate in. Thank God! Though I still donned my S&M fetish gear, I kept it to myself so it didn't count. No one else was involved so no one knew. Sadly, such repressive and split-level thinking was driving me to insanity and suicide.

But, for the most part, the gay world was something that happened out-of-sight in a city far, far away. Except when I saw those brief glimpses on cable TV. There were a few times in college I would hear about some poor fool who, hanging out at the local rest stop down the road from the university, was labeled a fag and beaten within an inch of his life. A few of my straight friends liked to brag about it. I was privileged, several times, to hear about what they liked to do with baseball bats and faggots. Welcome to Happy Valley, Utah, USA! Goddamn, Fuckers!

Anyway, back to my gay friend. His response to the same religious programming was to feel ashamed like me but instead he rebelled and acted out his sexuality. Granted, at the time he lived in a more urban climate void of small town rumor mills and threats of violence. He told me that he started his college carrier by diving right into the world of gay sexual voracity. Whereas I, denying anything gay, watched in shock as all of my straight friends dove into the straight world of sexual voracity. Ironically, I suffered great pangs of guilt because I didn't obey my religious programming and disassociate myself from such evil people.

So what, specifically, had he dived into? He told me about the bars to get hookups, strip clubs, one-night stands, orgies and glory holes in the backs of porn shops. Yeah, I'm sure there is gay slang for this crap but I don't give a shit. It's still the same no matter what it's called and none of it is exclusive to the gay world. I lived in the straight world for 25+ years where I was around straight people who went to bars for hookups, strip clubs, one-night stands, orgies and glory holes in the backs of porn shops too.

So what am I getting at here?

The so-called Gay Scene is really just a gay version of the Straight Scene. There is no difference. The sexual activities and mating habits are the same in both worlds. The cheating, backbiting and game playing are the same in both worlds. STDs are rampant in both worlds. Prostitution prevails in both worlds. Drug and alcohol abuse continues to kill people in both worlds. People fall in love and make commitments to each other in both worlds. They have kids in both worlds. They get divorced and fight for custody in both worlds. They believe in God, go to church and pay their tithes in both worlds. They don't believe in god, ignore, shun or despise religion in both worlds. Both the gay community and the straight community have their fair share of sexually repressed, promiscuous, perverted, child molesting, ass-fucking Sodomites. The only difference is, there are a hell of a lot more straight ones than gay ones. But that's just because of the nature of probability.

So, while I was playing a scared-straight, upstanding Mormon and hating my life, my friend, bless his little faggot heart, was playing a rebellious straight-act, upstanding Mormon and hating his life, but with the benefit of having a shit load of gay sex. Lucky him!

He still lives in shame as a rebellious straight-act, upstanding Mormon and hating his life. But now he is married to a psychotic woman, has four kids, goes to church and the temple, pays his tithing and hates his life even more. He never witnessed much of the straight world except for the fairytale Mormon version. Something to this effect: Grow up and go on a mission, pay my tithing, go to BYU, get married in the Temple, have 11 children, we all turn out perfect, we win our spot in the Celestial Kingdom a few doors down from God's house, and live there for ever and ever and ever and ever, in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

His view of the gay world is essentially what his religious programming tells him it is. And, as with all "True Blue Mormons", or any Christian fundamentalist for that mater, he compartmentalizes his beliefs. For him, having a firm belief in the church doesn't conflict with getting some hot man-booty on the side and then teaching in Sunday school about the evil homosexuals. I guess I should cut him some slack. After all, I was a "True Blue Mormon" once. Thankfully I figured it out and got the hell out. I'm sure he'll come around sometime too. At least I hope he will. His sanity is at stake.