Before I go off on a heavy handed tyrannical rant, I would just like to pre-apologize for the offenses that I will deliberately be dishing out. OK, to be honest, this is only a partial or rather fake apology. What I'm really getting down to is that this is just a preamble to some serious and offensive ranting and I'm not holding back. Why I'm even bothering to warn the reader? Why don't I just start ranting? Because I seriously don't want to hurt anyone's feelings with what I'm about to say. As I'm currently in a state of some deeply hurt feelings myself, I wouldn't wish such things one anyone else. With that being said, I'm going to start off my little rant by first inviting anyone who might be offended to seriously fuck off. I'll recap on that later.
Anyway...I just got past the holiday season.
Oh My Fucking God!
I have a love/hate relationship with this time of year. But this time around it's mostly the hate.
How did the year end and how did the new one start? It ended with a crash and a bang and bunch of other complete bullshit. It was an otherwise great year that came together in the most fucked up holiday season ever. And it's still not over yet. In fact I think I'll still have a few more months of this shit before I might be clear enough to start thinking and feeling grounded again. It's not to say I'm in a constant state of rage. I do have moments throughout the week of positivity, but it's only about 0.6% of the time. I think that equates to about an hour per week where it's just me and the equines.
I debated if I should even bother listing all the shit that has gone down since October but I don't think I will. There is just too much of it. Perhaps it would have been better had I made small blog entries for each incident as they happened. But it really came down to the fact that I'm still relatively anonymous on this blog and after considering the implications of revealing the nature of the shit that's gone down, it would seriously compromise my identity. Besides that, listing all that shit would incite a pity party. It's bad enough that I pity myself as much as I do. Getting it from others doesn't feed my ego in healthy ways. And right now the combination of all this shit going down and the affects of Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), regress me to some serious irrationality. Besides, all of the shit that's happened is actually incidental and doesn't really have any real meaning. The important question to ask is: How I've been handling it all? To which I would respond: GAH!!!
Needless to say I've got so much pent-up anger right now I could bite anyone who crosses me...until they bleed of course, and then I would let them go. I'm not a vampire and don't like the taste of blood. Don't worry. I am seeking counseling.
But for now I feel like ranting about shit that I've wanted to rant about for decades. And to make it even worse my rant is all a fucking cliché. When ranting about the so-called Holiday Season how could it not be?
When I see people walking around wishing each other "Merry Christmas" and "Happy New Year" and all that crap, I want to gag. And yet I find myself going along with it anyway so I don't come across as a complete asshole. But deep down inside I'm screaming, "Whatever!" That alone pisses me off further. It's hypocritical and I'm angry at myself for playing the game.
It's a pointless and mindless time of year where people try to act extra nice. Why now? Why not all of the time? These holidays and their dates are utterly arbitrary to me. Take New Year's Day for instance. That one is especially pointless to me. It is a week and a half after the winter solstice. To me the solstice is more like a new year than January 1. A solstice is an actual measurable physical phenomenon that can be used to mark the end and beginning of a solar cycle. January 1 is just a number on some made-up calendar. Who made up that calendar anyway? And why does that calendar say the year has to be 2010? Why not 8302 or some other number in say, base 12?
And then there is the Christmas holiday and all of that crap. Set aside the fact that December 25 is not even the actual date of the birth of the Christian religion so to speak. But that doesn't really matter. What matters is that it's the one time out of the year where all of the hypocrites can come out in droves and be EXTRA hypocritical. Personal experience has allowed me to witness many so-called Christmas holidays where Christianist behave in some of the most unchristian ways ever seen. That really doesn't bode well for celebrating the birth of their Savior™.
Another thing that doesn't bode well is that most of the modern Christmas traditions claimed by some Christianist come from the Pagans! Yeah, PAGANS! After all, to trick the Pagans into becoming Christians they had to assimilate their traditions. But don't worry; it was all done in the name of Christ. Too bad that Christians don't know who Christ really is anymore. Not that they would care anyway. And they especially wouldn't give a shit what a godless heathen such as myself would have to say about it anyway.
Sorry folks, I guess I just don't have the Christmas spirit. Well, I guess if I stick with just the hypocrite part I do have it. I get that. But the rest of it? Whatever!
Am I waging a war on Christmas? I don't think so. Christianist are doing it themselves just fine. I'm just watching them go at it while I do my own thing. Such as: no lights, no tree, no music, no shopping, no family, no handouts and no Christ. Selfish? Meh. If you want all that stuff, great! Go for it. I don't care. Just don't expect me to do it to.
God, I'm glad the holidays are over!
I guess this makes me a scrooge or a curmudgeon or something. It doesn't matter. I'm hated by one group of people or another no matter what I think, say or do. So I'm going to do my own god damned thing from now on and if you like it, join me, if not, FUCK OFF! I'm serious. I invite anyone who finds my little rant offensive to seriously fuck off. I don't mind at all. It may sound like I mind because of the seemingly harsh language but at this point I'm really not talking directly to anyone. It's more of a proverbial use of the phrase to anyone in my life who really does need to fuck off.
Postscript: It was the Christians who came up with the word 'Pagan' to call these unbelieving, polytheistic, heathen, low life, evil people. I'm proud to be called a Pagan. It's like taking back the word 'fag', which I'm am one of those as well. :) Happy Xmas! (Nov 20, 2010)
I was so happy to walk into work after the holidays and to have them over with.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was in therapy, working through my anger, I wondered if my anger and rage would ever end. As it turned out, I did finally run out. Or at least it went from a gush to a trickle.
Hang in there, thanks for posting. You know of course you are not alone in your feelings.
I agree with almost all that you say. And even if no one agreed with you, so what? This is YOUR blog, so say what you want. Don't worry about what readers think, this is all for you. You have no obligation to make readers happy.
ReplyDeleteAs a former Catholic, I understand your feelings about the holidays. Yes, the church "stole" the timing of the holidays from the "pagans" (funny how one group of believers always has a negative term for people who believe something else), and they did the same thing with Easter eggs. My husband, son and I had a tree that we went to cut down at a tree farm in a national forest, but it's mostly tradition that keeps it going. I referred to it as my solstice tree because as you said the solstice is real and nothing else around the "holidays" seem that way to me.
But I can't completely stop celebrating, because of my family. I have great memories of the holidays with my large Catholic family, but because it was FAMILY time, not for the religious excuse to get together. Yeah, we went to church but once we were out never mentioned anything having to do with religion. And I want my six year old son to have good memories of spending time with the family at the holidays. So I put on my fake smile when someone wishes me Merry Christmas and reply "Happy holidays."
I also understand about SAD. My husband has it but is better with a lamp that emits a blue wavelength of light, and he keeps the house lit up all winter.
Rant away! Anger is certainly one of those emotions that got really repressed as a mormon...I am amazed by how much keeps spewing out of me. Two words: punching bag. Damn thing is better than therapy.
ReplyDeleteAnd congrats on making it through xmas. :) It's over!
Let it out sweetie! That's the best thing to do!!
ReplyDelete"Such as: no lights, no tree, no music, no shopping, no family, no handouts and no Christ. Selfish? Meh. If you want all that stuff, great! Go for it. I don't care. Just don't expect me to do it to."
ReplyDeleteThat is BOLD. I'm going "home" (which isn't home at all) this year. It's been a few blissful years since I last did. I wish I knew how to be there without participating at all.
For the record, I love this rant. I especially enjoy the abundant use of the fuck word. It's a personal favorite! We'll get through this year somehow I am sure.
Thanks Amy, and I'm doing it again this year. :)
ReplyDelete