Moving Along

It does go without saying that it has been a while since I've written anything on this blog.  My last post doesn't count because I was reposting something I originally wrote for Facebook.  But, it was something that should have been posted here.

Things in life have a way of changing.  I haven't been all that busy, but I have been remarkably lost in activities of distraction, which fed my writer's block.   Not that my writer's block was a problem per say, but that I was allowing my distractions to take over, not letting myself mediate on anything long enough to develop something to write about.  In essence, I've been coasting and not doing much with myself.  Letting my job any my living situation be an excuse for not participating in life, depressed mostly.  It's been like that pretty much since July.

The beginning of 2012 right up through June was intense and left me somewhat numb.  Aside from a few outings such as Dragon*Con, hurricane Sandy, which I chose to spend with a friend in North Carolina instead of suffering through the intense anxiety I went through with hurricane Irene the previous year, and a Christmas holiday in Seattle with some friends, I basically coasted on that numbness.   But all during that time, I noticed that I have been markedly feeling and thinking differently about things.  And I've been feeling the need to get back to writing as the dawning of this new year has given me a sense of allowance for renewal and awakening.

It's been a few weeks since MAL 2013 and yet I still find that I'm decompressing.  It was, as always, a remarkable experience for me as all socially intensive situations are.  And with that I've been able to measure how far I've come in the last few years as well and get a sense for how far I still have to go.  And the results are, I've come along way, and I've got a long way to go.  And with that, I would like to put this out there as a way to say thank you to the universe and the people involved, even though I've already thanked them in person.  

It's embarrassing to admit that I walk into these social situations with a tremendous amount of anxiety that paralyzes me and overwhelms my senses.  I'm quite often frozen, inhibited and shut off during these moments.  The social anxiety is often all consuming and takes away my ability to be engaging and cheerful.  It's all driven by my fear of judgment, rejection, and dismissal, for being imperfect and lacking in knowledge and experience, and unworthy of love.  And for the most part, I think I hide it pretty wall, except from the most astute observers.  But in the end, I just end up angry at myself for putting myself in social situations that creates more anxiety. I literally shut down emotionally from that anxiety leaving me in a state of mind that I was afraid of being in in the first place.    Last year at MAL that's pretty much how it went.  Even though I left there a changed person with some new found awareness about what it meant to be authentic, I was still stuck in not accepting that I deserved a place there.

This year at MAL, I had a very different type of experience that gave me some new and profound perspectives.  I learned some amazing things about myself and what it means to be a person of love, worth and value which is allowing me to feel much more gratitude than I ever have before.  I'm feeling a shift in my outlook and in my inward look, that is permissive of myself to be myself, whatever state that may look like, in whatever amount of stress I might be under, in whatever might be holding me back from expressing my wants and desires.

I'm allowing myself to be OK with the person I become when I don't know what to say, the person I become when I feel vulnerable and scared or when I'm calm and funny.  I'm allowing that person that I am at that time, and not judging him with expectations of what he should be doing or could be doing. I'm allowing myself to be what I am and only what I am in the moment and state that I am, which is now.

I can't say that I did all this on my own. Sure, it took a large amount of self awareness and willingness and book knowledge, but it took some education and wisdom that many wonderful friends have been able to give me, and some select moments of trust with some other friends at MAL as they literally, and figuratively, held my leash through the process without judgment, criticism and rejection, giving me the permission I needed to be who I am during all those states.  The simple act of going through the motions of all these states, practicing within a safe environment, which I have all the book knowledge of but I don't have the actual practical experience, in order to start that process of deprogramming decades of self doubt and self hatred.

What happened was a profound healing experience that lifted me to a higher plane of self love.

Sometimes, it really does take someone to help.  To literally be there with me and give me the permission, safety, and respect that I need for that healing experience to happen.  I've always been taught I can only do it on my own.  But I know now that's not true and in some cases, not possible.  I'm now more willing to not only ask for that help, but more importantly, allow myself to receive that help when it is offered.

But most importantly, I've learned that I can trust again.

Thank you all.  I hope that I can carry this with me as long as possible.

My Patriarchal Blessing

I had originally set out to do a post about my Patriarchal Blessing late last year but decided to hold on to it until now.  I thought it might be an interesting exercise -- if not slightly narcissistic -- to post it on the 20th anniversary of receiving it, just because it's been, well, 20 years.

Going in to this blessing was sort of a test for me.  I was testing the church, the patriarch and everything.  I wanted to know if this really was a sort of "fortune telling" exercise that I had been lead to believe my whole life.   So when the patriarch asked me specific questions about my hopes, desires and interests I gave non answers.  I gave him nothing to go on.  The only thing he really knew was that I was leaving for the MTC in a few days.

I don't have much to say about a lot of it.  I did sort of appreciate that it was full of well-wishing and positive encouragement, although, much of it bothered me, especially the stuff about the Lord revealing to me who my wife would be.  I just couldn't wrap my head around that.  It bugged me and I didn't understand why.  Not only did it feel unlikely, it felt creepy.  It's as if I had no choice in the matter of my coupling with another human being.  For the most part, I would just skip over that section when I read it.

But despite all that, there was one thing in it that got me to think a bit about some things, in particular the lines:

"Be thankful for the heritage which your parents have given you.  You are privileged to bear the name of your Father which should be a role model for you throughout your life.  One of your missions in life to bring honor to the name they have given you." 

Coming from a highly dysfunctional family, one in which fatherly emotional abuse was a daily occurrence, it was a highly frustrating and yet hopeful thing to say.  As if my purpose was to fix all the shit my dad had done.  It was a pretty lofty goal considering all the generations of dysfunction going back centuries that have given the family name "dishonor".

However, the more I thought about it the more I realized that I didn't know what was meant by honor.  Was this honor the church, in society, my peers or my career?  For a time I thought I should just change my name and walk away.  I hated my name.  But, what would that do?  What name would I have?  And it too could end up being a name with a history of "dishonor".   What's in a name? That which only we call ourselves, whatever word we choose, we are still the same.

Over time, I realized that honor meant whatever I wanted.  The honor I gave my name was simply to honor it in my own mind.  To accept it, embrace it and appreciate its uniqueness and heritage.  So, of all the things stated in the blessing, this one was the only thing that really ended up meaning anything to me in the end.   And it still does.  It turned out to be one of my greatest challenges and rewards.

I don't believe the patriarch was inspired to say that about honor though.  It's a highly cultural Mormon thing to have such things said.  But also, the Mormons do not have a monopoly on familial honor either.

NOTE: For the sake of completeness, I reproduced my blessing below in its entirety, grammar and punctuation mistakes and all.  But the names have been changed to protect the innocent.  Although, I thought about removing the patriarchs name but decided to leave it in.  After all, he was somewhat of a public figure. 

Patriarchal Blessing Stats:

Date of blessing: 3 March 1991  [Sunday]

Patriarchal blessing number: #367

Recipient: [The Gay Dot]

Birthdate: 11 Sept 1969

Birthplace: Logan Cache Utah

Father's name: [The Dad Dot]

Mother's name: [The Mum Dot]

Patriarch: David Marriner Merrill, ordained by President Gordon B. Hinckley 16 Nov 1980

Stake: Farmington Utah Stake

The Blessing:

[The] [Gay] [Dot], in keeping with the desire of your heart to know the mind and will of your Heavenly Father and by virtue of my calling in the Holy Priesthood to bless our Father's children, I humbly lay my hands upon your head and give you such blessings and promises and instructions as the Spirit of the Lord may direct.  This blessing is a sacred blessing [Gay Dot], for you and your loved ones to be used as a source of strength and inspiration, to give you guidelines as you face the future. Your Heavenly Father is pleased that you have come to a Patriarch this day to receive a blessing from the Lord especially as you stand on the threshold of greater responsibility and larger experiences incident to your maturity.  May this blessing help you to know the mind and will of your Heavenly Father regarding your sojourn here in mortality.

I promise you that the Lord will not turn you away for he loves you and will be your constant friend.  He loves you for the righteousness of your life and your desire to serve Him and to keep his commandments. It is only natural in your youth that you do not yet understand all of the details of the great plan and scheme of life but I promise you with the passing of years and the enlarging of your experience you will gain a testimony of the Gospel and have a burning in your heart and you will see clearly the role that you are to play in the great drama of life. [Gay Dot] you are a choice young man richly endowed with many talents and abilities. You are one of Heavenly Fathers' noble spirits. He held you in reserve to come to to earth at this time when the Gospel has been restored in its fullness.

You are the seed of Abraham, the lings of Ephraim, the blood of Israel flows through your veins. This is a noble birthright and this birthright entitles you to all of the blessings the Lord promised to Abraham, Isaac and Jacob.  Be thankful for your ancestors, be thankful for your parents.  They love you. They have taught you with love and understanding the way of life that brings happiness, joy and success.  Be thankful for the heritage which your parents have given you.  You are privileged to bear the name of your Father which should be a role model for you throughout your life.  One of your missions in life to bring honor to the name they have given you.

One of the main reasons for mortal existence is to test how you would exercise your free agency which is a divine gift from your Heavenly Father.  The Lord has given you a free choice to be what you be what you want to be, to do what you want to do, however you are not without help for as you pray the Lord will provide communication with him and invite the promotions of the Spirit for your personal revelation.  I bless you that you will continue to cultivate your faith which will entitle you to the companionship of the Holy Ghost.  He will help you make important and wise decisions.  Life will not always be easy. Every trial, every challenge and hardship that you endure will help you to grow and gain valuable experience and further develop your faith and your testimony.

I bless you that you will embrace ever opportunity to learn of the things of heaven and the things of earth for you are endowed with the power of leadership and already the Lord has called to serve him as a missionary to the people of New Zealand where you will perform a great work which will be to your eternal satisfaction.  This calling is but a beginning of the many calls that will come to you to render service in the Church.  You have been blessed to receive the Holy Melchizedek Priesthood.  You will have many opportunities to see the manifestation of miracles take place as a result of the power which you have.

The Lord has blessed you with a strong, healthy body, God's greatest creation.  This body has marvelous power and marvelous function.  The Lord expects you to continue to keep it pure, and clean and virtuous.  Living a pure life will bring joy that surpasses your power of expression of understanding.  I bless you with the power of discernment that you may know good from evil, right from wrong, that Satan will have no power over you beyond that which you can endure.  I give unto you a promise of you will heed the still, small voice within you when you are tempted Satan will leave you untouched.

I bless you that you will excel and succeed in your chosen profession that those who will one day be dependent upon you will be able to enjoy the good things of life.  In due time of the Lord he will reveal to you the one he has prepared to be your wife, the mother of your children, to walk this life and the eternities with you.  Temple marriage will prepare you for exaltation in the celestial kingdom. Your children will be born under the new and everlasting covenant and you will become an eternal family.

Now [Gay Dot] I bid you go forward in the power and majesty of your wonderful young manhood, living an exemplary life, asking the Lord for help and guidance that you may reach your divine potential with honor and glory.  To this end I bless you and give you every other blessing it is my right to bestow upon you as a Patriarch.  The blessings you received from the Lord this day must be earned through your faithfulness in keeping the commandments of God, following the council of the loving prophets here on the earth during your lifetime.  When your life is finished and your work is done you will be privileged to share in the fruits of the glorious resurrection.  You will live with Christ upon the earth as a king and a priest unto the Most High over your own dominion forever and ever.  These blessings I bestow upon you by the power and authority of the Holy Melchizedek Priesthood and as a Patriarch in the Lord's Church in the name of the Lord our Savoir Jesus Christ, even  so   Amen.

[signed] David M. Merrill

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Patriarch