Q: So, do you think God created us or did we create God?
A: We created the god who created us.
Showing posts with label atheism. Show all posts
Showing posts with label atheism. Show all posts
Saturday, September 28, 2013
Saturday, February 26, 2011
What Have I Really Lost?
Over the past few weeks since my big friend fallout on Facebook, I've been thinking about what happened with the breakdown in communication. Why did it break down? And why did it break down so badly?
I had a lapse in good judgment, vented publicly some old hurts, didn't use the best choice of words, and managed to offend some, despite the fact that none of it had been directed at them or anyone in particular. Sometimes I'm rational; sometimes I'm not. That time I was not. When others rant and vent about things, whether it's directed at me or not, I have an understanding about what is going on. I know that they may be irrational, that what they are saying is not really about me. I know not to take it personally. That's why I allow others the space to vent. But I had forgotten that not everyone has that same understanding and some things I said were taken personally.
There was no way I could help them see the error in what they were saying, believing, and assuming about my meanings or intentions. But that didn't really matter; I didn't know what my intentions were at the time, which was why I was venting. We were talking past each other. So I just stopped talking all together and let the other person say what they needed to say and believe what they wanted to believe, about me.
All these years of progress, of letting go and moving on, trying to become a whole, self-defined individual, by reprogramming my thinking, vocabulary, humor, self-expression and identity; they all had no idea of who I was anymore, what I was about, why I felt the way I did. And I was trying to explain it. Albeit, poorly, but I was trying. They just didn't understand; they also didn't really care. They, for the most part, really wanted me to return to the way I used to be. That wasn't possible. So in the end, I lost their friendship. This was more than a stupid Facebook de-friending; this was the real deal.
But, was losing them as friends really what hurt so much? No, what really hurt was the profound realization that when leaving the Mormon religion, letting go of god and all such religious belief, learning about a bigger picture of the world and how it worked, I had actually lost my ability to communicate with them. I had lost my ability to see things through the eyes of Mormon politics, theology, culture and dogma. I can still understand all these things, but I no longer understand them from the point of view of a believer. But, when I was a believer, my understanding of them troubled me. Could that have been because I was never a true believer? Or was I simply noticing things that others were not seeing? And then getting frustrated and hurt as any attempt I made to describe or inquire about my observations were mocked and dismissed.
It reminds me of the story, Flatland by Edwin A. Abbot, a story that has had a subtle but profound impact on my life ever since I was introduced to it in 1986. In that story there was a Square who lived in a two dimensional (2D) world who suddenly, albeit with much drama, found himself in a three dimensional (3D) world. After that experience, no matter how hard he tried, he was never able to convince anyone in the 2D world about the 3D world. That's what happened to me. I could no longer see it only in 2D; I had the 3D version. And the 3D language wouldn't translate to 2D without losing much of its information and meaning.
But, unlike the Square, who seemed perfectly content to live in 2D, until he was forced into the 3D, I was never satisfied by 2D. It had stopped working for me. I saw too many contradictions and conflicts. Many were essentially swept under the rug, and dismissed by those who claimed to have all the answers. I needed something different, deeper, more meaningful and more applicable to now rather than only looking at that the imaginary future. So I took a different path and learned things about my world that now make sense to me. But they all seemed diametrically opposed to what everyone else believed. At which point the communication gap went from a crack to canyon. And all this time, I hadn't realized just how big that canyon had become. And just like in the story, the misunderstandings across that divide would often elevate to frustrations, insults, and conflict. Especially when I was reminded of the hurt I had felt while living in my old 2D world.
I can't force anyone to see things from my point of view. All I can do is just say it and those who are looking will find it. That's how it worked for me; I went looking for it. But now that I've found it, I want to talk about it. But, not everyone will like what I say. I know it's not my problem even though they all may think it's my problem. I have to let them believe what they wish, and if that means they want to believe I'm a bad person, then that is their right.
I'm not saying this to mean that I'm better than they are. 3D vs. 2D is not an "us" vs. "them" idea. It's just that in one particular aspect of our lives we don't see things from the same perspective and understanding. My thinking shifted perpendicular to theirs. What they see as a circle, I can now see as a sphere or a cone, or a cylinder. All they see is a circle. But the huge irony of all this is that we both claim to have "the big picture".
Throughout the story of Flatland, there are several events where a higher dimensional being is trying to communicate to a lower dimensional being about what they really are, and failing every time. The only time it was successful was when one of those beings, the Square, was physically moved into the 3D space. At which point it all became clear to him. But by doing so, he crossed a line that could not be uncrossed. And even though, in the end, he remained trapped in the 2D world forever, his thinking had permanently changed the way he viewed that world.
And like the Square, there just isn't any way I can go back to thinking in 2D. 3D is so much more engaging, enlightening and rewarding. And there is a hell of a lot of stuff in 3D to learn and experience. I just can't spend a lot of time thinking in 2D anymore. And yet, I must caution myself. The Sphere in his arrogance, refused to accept the Square's suggestion that higher dimensions were thinkable. And quickly showed that he was just as limited in his thinking in 3D as the Polygons were in 2D or the Line was in 1D. Those worlds worked for them just fine and they saw no reason to look beyond them.
In my haste, I've found myself getting too attached to my new 3D world and assuming that it is a complete picture, and in my own arrogance have tried to force in on others who have no desire to know if it. Also, my attachment has in the past closed me off from discovering 4D, 5D, 6D and so on, in other areas, until something drastic hits to knock me out of it. The funny thing is it took a nervous breakdown to make that "leap of faith" in to the 3D realm for me. I would hope that it doesn't always have to take such drama to gain new perspectives. Many people seem to have done it without all the drama; it seems silly to keep doing it with all the drama. But, I guess that's probably a bit optimistic to make such an assumption. Whether that drama is internal or external, there is always going to be drama. The Sphere was offended and chastised the Square for suggesting that 4D or 5D could be possible. And the Square was imprisoned in 2D for attempting to talk of the 3D world, which had been made illegal. At least it was better than execution, which was the other option. And in all cases, the object in the higher dimension would arrogantly try to impress upon those in a lower dimension a differing view of the world. Conflict ensued. Drama.
I guess the easy thing to do is just say nothing, keep it too myself and shut myself off from the world in order to avoid the pain of rejection and ridicule. Or, say something, and just accept that all my old friends believe that I am their enemy. Compartmentalize, perhaps? I don't know. I really hate it when people tell me that if my friends can't accept me now, then they never really were my friends. Is that really true? I just don't buy it. Or, am I just stubbornly trying to hold on to the past? I prefer to think that we can no longer have expression in friendships because we no longer speak the same language. Or is that just being naive? I would hope not. I've had friendships suddenly "come back" to me the second I found myself in 3D. When all that time I thought they had turned their backs on me, they were really there, just standing outside my range of vision, waiting for me to turn and face them.
I had a lapse in good judgment, vented publicly some old hurts, didn't use the best choice of words, and managed to offend some, despite the fact that none of it had been directed at them or anyone in particular. Sometimes I'm rational; sometimes I'm not. That time I was not. When others rant and vent about things, whether it's directed at me or not, I have an understanding about what is going on. I know that they may be irrational, that what they are saying is not really about me. I know not to take it personally. That's why I allow others the space to vent. But I had forgotten that not everyone has that same understanding and some things I said were taken personally.
There was no way I could help them see the error in what they were saying, believing, and assuming about my meanings or intentions. But that didn't really matter; I didn't know what my intentions were at the time, which was why I was venting. We were talking past each other. So I just stopped talking all together and let the other person say what they needed to say and believe what they wanted to believe, about me.
All these years of progress, of letting go and moving on, trying to become a whole, self-defined individual, by reprogramming my thinking, vocabulary, humor, self-expression and identity; they all had no idea of who I was anymore, what I was about, why I felt the way I did. And I was trying to explain it. Albeit, poorly, but I was trying. They just didn't understand; they also didn't really care. They, for the most part, really wanted me to return to the way I used to be. That wasn't possible. So in the end, I lost their friendship. This was more than a stupid Facebook de-friending; this was the real deal.
But, was losing them as friends really what hurt so much? No, what really hurt was the profound realization that when leaving the Mormon religion, letting go of god and all such religious belief, learning about a bigger picture of the world and how it worked, I had actually lost my ability to communicate with them. I had lost my ability to see things through the eyes of Mormon politics, theology, culture and dogma. I can still understand all these things, but I no longer understand them from the point of view of a believer. But, when I was a believer, my understanding of them troubled me. Could that have been because I was never a true believer? Or was I simply noticing things that others were not seeing? And then getting frustrated and hurt as any attempt I made to describe or inquire about my observations were mocked and dismissed.
It reminds me of the story, Flatland by Edwin A. Abbot, a story that has had a subtle but profound impact on my life ever since I was introduced to it in 1986. In that story there was a Square who lived in a two dimensional (2D) world who suddenly, albeit with much drama, found himself in a three dimensional (3D) world. After that experience, no matter how hard he tried, he was never able to convince anyone in the 2D world about the 3D world. That's what happened to me. I could no longer see it only in 2D; I had the 3D version. And the 3D language wouldn't translate to 2D without losing much of its information and meaning.
But, unlike the Square, who seemed perfectly content to live in 2D, until he was forced into the 3D, I was never satisfied by 2D. It had stopped working for me. I saw too many contradictions and conflicts. Many were essentially swept under the rug, and dismissed by those who claimed to have all the answers. I needed something different, deeper, more meaningful and more applicable to now rather than only looking at that the imaginary future. So I took a different path and learned things about my world that now make sense to me. But they all seemed diametrically opposed to what everyone else believed. At which point the communication gap went from a crack to canyon. And all this time, I hadn't realized just how big that canyon had become. And just like in the story, the misunderstandings across that divide would often elevate to frustrations, insults, and conflict. Especially when I was reminded of the hurt I had felt while living in my old 2D world.
I can't force anyone to see things from my point of view. All I can do is just say it and those who are looking will find it. That's how it worked for me; I went looking for it. But now that I've found it, I want to talk about it. But, not everyone will like what I say. I know it's not my problem even though they all may think it's my problem. I have to let them believe what they wish, and if that means they want to believe I'm a bad person, then that is their right.
I'm not saying this to mean that I'm better than they are. 3D vs. 2D is not an "us" vs. "them" idea. It's just that in one particular aspect of our lives we don't see things from the same perspective and understanding. My thinking shifted perpendicular to theirs. What they see as a circle, I can now see as a sphere or a cone, or a cylinder. All they see is a circle. But the huge irony of all this is that we both claim to have "the big picture".
Throughout the story of Flatland, there are several events where a higher dimensional being is trying to communicate to a lower dimensional being about what they really are, and failing every time. The only time it was successful was when one of those beings, the Square, was physically moved into the 3D space. At which point it all became clear to him. But by doing so, he crossed a line that could not be uncrossed. And even though, in the end, he remained trapped in the 2D world forever, his thinking had permanently changed the way he viewed that world.
And like the Square, there just isn't any way I can go back to thinking in 2D. 3D is so much more engaging, enlightening and rewarding. And there is a hell of a lot of stuff in 3D to learn and experience. I just can't spend a lot of time thinking in 2D anymore. And yet, I must caution myself. The Sphere in his arrogance, refused to accept the Square's suggestion that higher dimensions were thinkable. And quickly showed that he was just as limited in his thinking in 3D as the Polygons were in 2D or the Line was in 1D. Those worlds worked for them just fine and they saw no reason to look beyond them.
In my haste, I've found myself getting too attached to my new 3D world and assuming that it is a complete picture, and in my own arrogance have tried to force in on others who have no desire to know if it. Also, my attachment has in the past closed me off from discovering 4D, 5D, 6D and so on, in other areas, until something drastic hits to knock me out of it. The funny thing is it took a nervous breakdown to make that "leap of faith" in to the 3D realm for me. I would hope that it doesn't always have to take such drama to gain new perspectives. Many people seem to have done it without all the drama; it seems silly to keep doing it with all the drama. But, I guess that's probably a bit optimistic to make such an assumption. Whether that drama is internal or external, there is always going to be drama. The Sphere was offended and chastised the Square for suggesting that 4D or 5D could be possible. And the Square was imprisoned in 2D for attempting to talk of the 3D world, which had been made illegal. At least it was better than execution, which was the other option. And in all cases, the object in the higher dimension would arrogantly try to impress upon those in a lower dimension a differing view of the world. Conflict ensued. Drama.
I guess the easy thing to do is just say nothing, keep it too myself and shut myself off from the world in order to avoid the pain of rejection and ridicule. Or, say something, and just accept that all my old friends believe that I am their enemy. Compartmentalize, perhaps? I don't know. I really hate it when people tell me that if my friends can't accept me now, then they never really were my friends. Is that really true? I just don't buy it. Or, am I just stubbornly trying to hold on to the past? I prefer to think that we can no longer have expression in friendships because we no longer speak the same language. Or is that just being naive? I would hope not. I've had friendships suddenly "come back" to me the second I found myself in 3D. When all that time I thought they had turned their backs on me, they were really there, just standing outside my range of vision, waiting for me to turn and face them.
Friday, November 5, 2010
The Missionaries Are Coming
Formspring Question: "what do you do when you see missionaries coming?"
This is a good question, and quite frankly, I'm not sure the best way to answer this. The reason being is that I live in a region of the country that doesn't have any missionaries, so I don't get to see them coming in the first place. The last time I had missionaries in my home was in 2006, when I was still trying to be a good Mormon. But they weren't even working in the boundaries of their own mission.
I live on the edge of the Pennsylvania, Philadelphia Mission. Physically, that's only five miles from the border of the Virginia, Richmond Mission. The missionaries that visited me were from the Virginia mission and had been working this area by special permission from the Philly mission. Not sure why, it was just one of those things. But when that stint was over, they never returned to my little town. Sure, the Philly mission then put some Elders in my ward which was 40 miles away in another city, but they never ventured outside of that other city.
Incidentally, it was interesting to see all of the "letter of the law" church members throw up their arms in disgust that these missionaries were not following mission rules because they left the boundaries of their mission. Whatever, some Mormons seem to think they know better than the missionaries or even the mission president for that matter. There is sort of mistrust they have with them. I know I felt it when I was a missionary in New Zealand, especially amongst the American Mormons who were visiting or living in the country.
But, I digress.
So to answer the question, at this point, I can only speculate while looking back this last summer when I "stumbled" across a pair of Elders while visiting the big city. In that case, the only thing I did was take their picture. But I consider that to be a situation where I was the one who the missionaries saw coming. They were already there and I walked into the area. That's not going to give me any reason to engage them at all.
The thing with all of this is that I really have nothing to say to them. I honestly don't think there is any sort of conversation I could have that would be meaningful to them or me. I've let the idea of religion go and the whole concept of god, priesthood, Jesus and church and stuff really has no meaning to me. In fact, the way I look at the world differs so greatly that I find I end up talking past people regarding the way I view and experience spirituality.
And besides that, missionaries only have a single duty and that is to find people to teach. People who want to learn about the church. I don't fall into that category. I could care less and I'm even less interested spending time on a conversation that would bore the ever living crap out of me. But I'm not going to say that I would outright avoid them either. After all, they are just a bunch of cute young men doing what they think is right. You can't blame them for that, can you?
Anyway, I've rambled on long enough. I really should try to answer this person's question in a more meaningful way as in, what I would do, or how would I interact with them...if I absolutely had to. In that case, I'm going to need to ponder on the possible scenarios if they came knocking at my door.
They are as follows:
- What I could do.
- What I'll probably end up doing.
- What I really wish would happen.
2. What I'll probably end up doing is being very polite, not really say anything other than to tell them that I'm a Gay, Ex-Mormon, Atheist, Liberal, and let them continue so I don't waste their or my time. But if they persist, and some do, I'll resort to flirting. In either case, I'll be trying to take their picture, which might require flirting anyway, or at least a little flattery, which is almost the same thing. I guess scenarios 1 and 2 don't seem to be all that much different in the end except for the part about them finding out I'm a Liberal.
3. What I really wish would happen is that they would come knocking while I have half a dozen boyfriends over for a heavy, gay, BDSM fetish, play party. And without batting an eye, I would nonchalantly invite them in as if they were expected. How would I know if they weren't the friends of a friend, probably the naked one over in the corner, bound to a St. Andrews Cross and being flogged? Who knows? He did say he had two friends coming over, right? And if they did want to talk about spiritual experiences, perhaps I could demonstrate how a bondage table, sleepsack and carefully placed electrical probes could be used to induce them.
Yeah, I think I just lost a few followers to my blog right there.
Anyway, the looks on their faces would be...priceless.
And, there would most definitely be a camera ready to take their picture.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Lying for the Lord
A few years ago when I first came out to a 'friend' about being gay, he said to me that as long as I can answer the temple recommend questions I have nothing to worry about. This 'friend' was a real letter of the law TBM type of Mormon. In the long story of that coming out moment, it ended the conversation and we sat for a while in profound and awkward silence for the rest of the car trip.
Since I was just starting to push the boundaries of personal honesty with myself and my dealings with the church and church members, his statement about answering the temple recommend questions really bothered me. Aside from the severe resentment I felt by my friend's ignorant and arrogant statement which implied that my value as a human being was based solely on how I answered a set of questions regarding my loyalty to a particular religious practice, I also realized I had never in my life answered those questions 100% truthfully. But at that time in my life, I was still very deeply afraid of being ostracized by all my friends and family so I was feeling rather shamed and self-conscious about how I would still need to lie in the temple recommend interview which bothered me quite a lot.
In the end, I stopped going to church well before my temple recommend expired in order to avoid the renewal interviews. I let them all assume that I had moved away. That is until nearly a year later when they got my resignation letter. Good times.
Anyway, the last time I had a temple recommend interview was 2006. And since then, I've thought long and hard about those temple recommend questions and the agonizing interviews where I would fight with my own conscience, struggling to stare that interviewer in the eye and hope that he couldn't discerned my deceit. So, in looking back, I'm going to right the wrong and finally tell the truth as my Inner Dialog "Hi!" was trying to get me to do all of these years. "HA! It's about time." Yeah, yeah, I know.
Warning: It's long. There are 15 questions to get through here so just deal with it. Also, I'm not really going to write anything all that intellectual here. "Dude, no one cares; get on it with it already." Ok, ok. It's really a bit of a rant layered with sarcasm and offensive language and it rambles a bit. And yeah, it's going to offend. "Dude, offend away! It's not your problem."
Ok, let's get this over with, shall we? "Finally!"
Question #1: Do you have faith in and a testimony of God the Eternal Father, His Son Jesus Christ, and the Holy Ghost?
Answer: Yes. "Liar!"
Ok, ok. So I lied. Believing, or in my case, pretending to believe in the most fundamental doctrines of the church is also fundamental in fitting in to the prevailing culture. If you don't believe, you don't belong; you are treated like an outsider. To be treated as such in a community made up of 95% Mormons, ranges from simply being ignored to back stabbing to being overtly snubbed. But that's only after they realize you didn't want to be a Mormon. Besides, the remaining 5% were all beer drinking, adulterous, coffee drinking, intellectual, drug pushers who molested children and turned them into evil fornicating, feminist, homosexuals. And they all smoked to boot! You don't want to be lumped in with them now, do you? Yeah, I didn't think so. I think I'm justified in lying on this question.
Question #2: Do you have a testimony of the Atonement of Christ and of His role as Savior and Redeemer?
Answer: Yes. "Liar!"
I never did understand the whole concept of Christ's Atonement and all that. It just didn't make sense to me. If God was an all loving, all powerful being, why in the hell did he need to have someone take the fall? Really. The entire Christian Gospel plan, Mormon or otherwise, still makes my head spin when I try to make sense of it. But, as I said before, I'm going to pretend that I have a testimony of this ridiculous shit so that I won't be treated like an outsider.
Question #3: Do you have a testimony of the restoration of the gospel in these the latter days?
Answer: Yes. "Liar!"
Sigh! Forget about me going to hell for not believing in this stuff, I'm going to hell for being a big fat liar. "You're darn tootin', mister." Isn't that a Laurel and Hardy movie? "What?" Never mind.
You know, there was a time when I believed this one. But I realized I only believed it because I was in love with the idea of it. When the facts hit the fan, so did my love of the idea.
Question #4: Do you sustain the President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints as the Prophet, Seer, and Revelator and as the only person on the earth who possesses and is authorized to exercise all priesthood keys? Do you sustain members of the First Presidency and the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles as prophets, seers, and revelators? Do you sustain the other General Authorities and local authorities of the Church?
Answer: Yes. "Lie! Dude! You're creeping me out!"
Oh my fucking god! What am I doing here? Why am I doing this? What the fuck? I'm actually a bit creeped out by this question. I've known too many people who have suffered severe spiritual abuse at the hands of these men. Sadly, I didn't recognize that I was suffering the same abuse even though that creepiness feeling should have been an indicator that something was seriously wrong. Still, I lie. And I lie to myself. It's no wonder I'm a bitter old man and I want to attack the Mormon church! After all, they started it! "Dude, you're not old."
I just made the mistake of being born into it. Yeah, mistake. They told me that I got to choose my family in the preexistence because I was more valiant than the other souls. Really! So, it's my fault. But these men also told me that because I was born under the convent (my parents were sealed in the temple before I was born), that I was double special. But what they didn't know, HAHAHA, was that I was sealed to my parents later when I was around 4 years old. I was never born under the convent. So now what? I guess that downgrades my specialness. Why would an all loving, all powerful God, pick favorites for something so arbitrarily as that? Honestly, what a complete asshole God is to his children.
Question #5: Do you live the law of chastity?
Answer: Yes. "Hey dude! You told the truth, HA! Well, sort of."
Ok, I didn't lie within the context of the intent of the question. But I wouldn't say it was by choice that I was celibate. I didn't find having sex with women to be a temptation anyway. Hmmm, I wonder why. Is it because I'm righteous? "No, it's because you're gay, dude!" Ok, if I was gay then why didn't I have sex with men? "Because you're righteous?" Oh shut up, Internal Dialog! The real reason was because I honestly didn't know it was possible. That is really true! "Ha! So THAT'S why they don't want people associating with The Gays! They might get ideas! They might get educated or worse, recruited!" Scary thought, isn't it? Keep them in isolation; it will save their souls. It's a testament to the level of repression and denial I was suffering. And I do mean suffering.
Still, I found a way to be "unchaste". I used lots of mirrors! "Dude, you really don't need to talk about this." As a result, I have since expanded my definition of masturbation to be "solo sex" or sexual relations with myself, so I guess I did lie, just a little bit. A tiny "white" lie. "Dude! TMI." Fine.
In any case, I'm bothered by the idea of sexuality as a basis for moral righteousness when it's really the lying, the deceit, and the manipulation, where sex is merely a tool, which really destroys lives. But NO, it's all about sex, isn't it? Sex IS the sin. Sex is put up high on a pedestal and treated like something much greater than is really is or ever could be. It's practically worshiped! It's so sacred you are never to talk about it or utter the word!
SEX! Say it! SEK-SHOO-AL intercourse. HO-MO-SEK-SHOO-AL. SSSSSSSSSEEXXXX!
Seriously, stop using chastity as a euphemism for SEX! It really makes it sound like we're trying to appear better than everyone else. Oh, wait, we're Mormons, we are! "I like sex." I know you do, sweetie.
Question #6: Is there anything in your conduct relating to members of your family that is not in harmony with the teachings of the Church?
Answer: Yes. "Truth! Oh, shit, wrong answer."
Wait, what? Can you repeat the question? Seriously. And please explain what you mean by "...not in harmony with the teachings of the Church" because there are some teachings of the Church that are not in harmony with the teachings of Christ. I'm actually a bit offended by this question and because of that, I answer truthfully to point out the stupidity of it. "Dude, you're not going to get anywhere with this. Sometimes the truth is not very useful." You're right. I'm joking, ha ha! Everything is fine with regards to the family. We're cool. Sigh.
I knew a fine lady who had her temple recommend revoked because her husband was abusing her. The logic here was that as long as there was strife in the home, there was no way that she deserved the blessings of the temple. And that she needed to go back and honor her husband so he had no reason to treat her the way he did. Yeah, take a way an individual's only grounding spiritual avenue from an abusive situation because, after all, it's really the victims fault. That's the sort of spiritual abuse I'm talking about from Question #4.
I think our family did much better when we, for the most part, avoided the church as a source of any guidance in that regard. I'm happy to report that things are cool now. My response to this question was in looking back to the early 90's when things were really, really, really, really, really, really, bad. Yes, that's 6 'really's. In the 80's I would have used something like 47 'really's. In 2006 it was still bad but I wouldn't use any 'really's. "Really?" Yeah, really.
Question #7: Do you support, affiliate with, or agree with any group or individual whose teachings or practices are contrary to or oppose those accepted by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints?
Answer: No. "Dude, you might be lying here. Perhaps you should ask for clarification."
No, I will not ask for clarification. Remember what happened in question #6? "Oh yeah, forget it." Why is this even a question? You need to explain to me EXACTLY what this has to do with my worthiness. This question really fucking bugs me to no end. I supported, affiliated and agreed with the most Christ like person I know, who just happens to be an atheist. He was my grandfather. You people seriously need to teach people HOW NOT to judge rather than make this entire gospel discourse about HOW to judge. Question #7 to me really runs at the heart of why most Mormons are not capable of being Christians.
Question #8: Do you strive to keep the covenants you have made, to attend your sacrament and other meetings, and to keep your life in harmony with the laws and commandments of the gospel?
Answer: Yes. "Dude, you almost had me fooled there but your still lying."
I'm getting good at this lying thing in that I really believed I was telling the truth when I said yes to that. But honestly, I would rather sit in the foyer talking to friends than in the chapel pretending to care. And no, I don't have time to do that calling you asked me to do. In fact, I think next Sunday I'm going to be out of town or something. Yeah, my job, you know how it is? At least I showed up to church and got counted and then did all that financial clerk crap that I was called to do.
Looking back, I was always looking for excuses, and quite often, I would make up shit to get out of going to church and avoid church callings and all that other crap. I'm a bad person. "Awww." As in Awesome.
Question #9: Are you honest in your dealings with your fellowmen?
Answer: Yes. "Truth! Except for that one thing..."
It should be blatantly obvious by now that when it comes to dealing with the church and people in the church, I'm a lying sack of shit! Honesty only exists outside the context of my religious circle.
As a side note to this, there was once a Mormon city official my brother had to deal with who believed that the above question only applied to dealings with people in the church. Outside of that, it didn't matter. People who weren't Mormons were dishonest and the only way to deal with dishonest people was to be dishonest right back. My brother finally got that particular Stake President fired from his job and then released early from his highly esteem church calling. Those Utah Mormons can really be a handful sometimes. Oh my goodness!
Question #10: Are you a full-tithe payer?
Answer: Yes. "Truth! HA HA! Suck it, sinners!"
Ha ha! See, I'm a good Mormon! I didn't lie. And because I pay my tithing based on my gross income and then round UP, that right there makes me better than the low-life's who don't! And it makes up for all the lying to boot! Also, here is a little extra to help the poor. Wait, what? You can't help them unless they are active, full-tithe, paying members? What the fuck!?
Sigh. I deeply, deeply regret that I was a full tithe payer. "And a snooty one at that." Yep.
Question #11: Do you keep the Word of Wisdom?
Answer: Yes. "Uhmm, this is a half-truth. I think."
Word of Wisdom or WoW. Wow! Seriously, WoW! Get it? "Dude, that's stupid, no one cares."
Anywho, the entire WoW has been reduced down to the big four: Coffee, Tea, Alcohol and Tobacco. Forget about all the other things stated in there, the big four are all this question is really asking.
Since I can't abide smoking or tobacco anyway, that's a nonissue. Also, I don't like the taste of tea so I can at least feel smug about that. However, I love my coffee. Yeah, I'm going to tell people I like it but I'm not going to tell anyone I actually drink the stuff. I mean, really, what good would come of it? Remember that 5% I want to avoid being associated with? I'm going to drink my coffee in secret!
As for alcohol, the last time I drank that stuff I was around 10 or 12 years old I think. It was a cheap but tasty red wine that my dad let me have. I never got around to drinking much alcohol after that nor did I have much opportunity because I could never risk getting caught buying the stuff. That made it easy to avoid. I also didn't have many friends who drank. The ones who did kept it to themselves because we would shun them when they did. You know about all that "avoid the appearance of evil" crap? Yeah, we are real assholes, but we were righteous assholes. So, except for an occasional coffee I was good to go. Right?
Apparently, coffee wasn't supposed to bar me entrance to the temple. But I could never know when I would get interviewed by some Mormon Nazi who would decide that coffee drinking was a greater sin than me lying about not having sex with myself. "Dude! You never had it that bad." Yeah, I know, but lesser things happened to other people and it really bugged the ever living shit out of me and put me on edge.
Now, I have a beer occasionally. And I'm not afraid to drink it right in front you! Ha! Would you like one? There is still some in the fridge. Or I could open that new bottle of wine I just bought that's sitting next to the coffee maker. Hey, where are you going? Oh yeah, you're avoiding the appearance of evil. Touché.
Now, what about the rest of the WoW? It also says to eat lots of veggies and grains and eat very little meat. And I do follow that. Well, not because of the WoW but because I feel like eating that way. Some days I may actually go an entire day without eating meat. I'm just not in the mood for it. However, I'm a glutton for peanut-butter-chocolate-chip-oatmeal-cookie-dough-ice-cream so, no, I don't keep the WoW in its full context. Wait, the WoW doesn't say anything about gluttony? Well it should!
"We really need to move on here." No, wait, I'm not done.
You know what else? I don't think anyone really knows what the fuck the WoW is really all about anyway. You know? For a short time there in the early 1900's, beer was acceptable under the WoW and refined flour was not! And then there is this indecisive issue with caffeine and soda drinks. And back to my previous point about all of the other stuff not being considered anymore. What the...why the hell has it been twiddled down to the big four anyway? Come on people! Make up your mind! Either get a revelation from God that sticks to something or forget about it! Is God really that wishy washy? "Actually, he is."
Moving on...
Question #12: Do you have financial or other obligations to a former spouse or children? If yes, are you current in meeting those obligations?
Answer: ---
I was never asked this. They all knew I had never been married so they just skipped it. I wished they would ask, that way there would be more questions where I didn't have to lie.
Question #13: If you have previously received your temple endowment: Do you keep the covenants that you made in the temple? Do you wear the garment both night and day as instructed in the endowment and in accordance with the covenant you made in the temple?
Answer: Yes. "Lie? Well... yeah, you lied."
Ok, this is where it gets all weird. I don't really remember what covenants I made in the temple; I was very young and naive back then. I went through twice before leaving on my mission and have never gone back. The experience was creepy and I never felt comfortable with it. Besides, I only needed the temple recommend, not the temple experience, to look like a good Mormon.
As for the magic G's, quite often I would go around wearing only the top when I did wear them. Does that count? I thought of it more as a t-shirt to keep my sweaty armpits from leaking to my outer shirt but most importantly, it was to fool people into thinking I was a Mormon In Good Standing™. As for the bottoms, I preferred that sexy animal print, string-bikini underwear for the sexiness and the support. Besides, those darned magic G's would chafe my thighs like a motherfucker and the seams were always falling apart! "Dude, I think you're going too far with this one." No, shut up, Internal Dialog, I've got more to say about this.
I always thought it was ironic that people would tell me to buy those "mesh fabric" Gs because it feels like you have nothing on! What the fuck? Seriously, what the fuck? I honestly can't figure out how to process that information. Underwear that feels like you are not wearing underwear? Here's a clue, why don't you simply NOT put any underwear on! Yeah, I know, protection from harm and evil and all that hocus pocus. So then, how come when I was on my mission and wrecked my bike and landed on my shoulder, there was a huge hole in my G's and my collar bone dislocated? "Oh, please don't go there." Was it because I was an unrighteous, lying, masturbator who didn't have any self control? Just like all the other missionaries? "No, Dude, that's not it. Let it go." No, it's because it was all a bunch of crap! It was just another idea that I was in love with only so that I could convince myself that it might possibly be true. What was I thinking? Logic and reason, out the window because I was in love with the idea of personal body armor. "You weren't that bad about it." True, because I preferred my armor to look more like those sexy Star Wars Storm Troopers anyway. "Ok, we need to move on." That magic G armor was not sexy at all. In fact, it was anti-sexy. But Storm Troopers, now that is what I call sexy body armor. Yeah, it's useless for blaster fire but who cares, so are magic G's. I would totally do a guy while we were wearing outfits like that. The base layer is Spandex for crying out loud! Those magic G's were anti-sex. Hey, I suppose that makes sense in the context of protecting a person's chastity. Err, I mean sexual virginity. Stick ugly underwear on them and they're fine. Hmm, doesn't explain those gay guys with magic G fetishes. What's the deal with that? I don't get it.
"Moving on?"
Sigh. Moving on...
Question #14: Have there been any sins or misdeeds in your life that should have been resolved with priesthood authorities but have not been?
Answer: No. "Yeah, Dude! I think you might be telling the truth with this one. I think."
Yeah I'm telling the truth because I'm starting to see where this is all left to my interpretation. What is the context of "sins", "misdeeds" and "resolved"? Other than my habitual Lying for the Lord™, I don't know what else I would mention. I did tell my mission president that I masturbated. But have I resolved it? Does simply talking about it mean it's been resolved? I still masturbate in ways that would make your skin crawl and your sensitive little heart go running off screaming to ask God for mercy if you were to see the things I like to do to myself. So, you really want to know? Seriously? I have pictures. "Dude! Don't even..." And for something that gives me a profound spiritual experience, how do I know it's even a problem? And that begs the next question, what is meant by "problem"? No, I'm doing just fine.
Question #15: Do you consider yourself worthy to enter the Lord's house and participate in temple ordinances?
Answer: Yes. "You speak truth! I'm proud of you dude!"
Yep, I believe I'm worthy to enter the Lord's house. Besides, if my adulterous uncle is worthy, even while standing in the Celestial room of the temple, telling dirty jokes, than I believe I'm worthy too, even more so than he. But the better question to ask is if I WANT to participate in temple ordinances? And if that is asked, I'll probably lie. Again, I want to fit in, despite the fact it is 2006 and the last time I was creeped out in a temple was 1991. "Are you sure?" No, wait. The last time I set foot in a temple was 1995 in Bountiful, Utah. But it was only the temple dedication and not an endowment session so it doesn't count. "Oh, yeah. That doesn't count. Not as creepy."
Ok, well there you have it. I've gone through the temple recommend questions, holding myself accountable for the lies I told. And not only do I feel better about myself, I'm better person for doing it. "Dude, you're so cool, I love you." I love you to; want to have sex? "Dude! This is not the place to for that." TMI? "TMI."
Apologies to my uncle for bringing up his past transgressions. If it weren't for him, I wouldn't have had that cognitive dissonance welling up in the back of my mind all these years. Those jokes he told in the temple were very distasteful, even for me.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Coming Out Atheist
Andrew over at Irresistible (Dis)Grace took me down memory lane with his post Growing up as an atheist Mormon. I started to write a comment to his post but ended up writing this post instead.
Along with coming out about BDSM and then later homosexually, I also had to come out again about my atheism. Strange thing was that it was harder to do. I had repressed it longer.
I recall a time when I was probably around 7 or 8 and started pondering the meaning of life. I remember it was nearing the time that I was to get baptized. I was always doing a lot of thinking. One summer afternoon I had an epiphany as such that whatever it was I was supposed to believe in was all crap. Unfortunately, at that age I didn't know any better and dismissed that thought. I had long discovered in my youth that it was NOT OK to have dissenting opinions about beliefs in the nature of God as I was continually made aware.
The rest of the story was just as Andrew said. Basically trying to understand why none of it was engaging or appealing. To me it was all pretty silly. And there was always that nagging feeling in me that I was always disregarding what I felt to be right. But fear compelled me to set it aside for social acceptance and try harder to understand why they "felt the spirit" and I didn't. What was this "burning in the bosom"? What was that? Ironically, I never felt that feeling until I actually started taking that path of authenticity which led me right out of the church. And now I understand what that feeling really is for me. It's a real physical sensation and is always associated with deep emotional healing. Ironic in that most of the time that "burning in the bosom", that healing, comes to me through the very things the church spends it's time and money on to demonize and condemn.
It's interesting to me that the church can be a healing place for some but complete anathema for others. A part of me resents the church for manipulating people like that. But then a part of me sees that many church members, such as my mom, seem to know where the truth stops and the dogma starts. Still, I would love for her and everyone else to be truly free of such nonsense but then, in the end, it's her truth. Who is to say I have any say over her truth or anyone else's for that matter. Just like no one else has any say over mine.
Along with coming out about BDSM and then later homosexually, I also had to come out again about my atheism. Strange thing was that it was harder to do. I had repressed it longer.
I recall a time when I was probably around 7 or 8 and started pondering the meaning of life. I remember it was nearing the time that I was to get baptized. I was always doing a lot of thinking. One summer afternoon I had an epiphany as such that whatever it was I was supposed to believe in was all crap. Unfortunately, at that age I didn't know any better and dismissed that thought. I had long discovered in my youth that it was NOT OK to have dissenting opinions about beliefs in the nature of God as I was continually made aware.
The rest of the story was just as Andrew said. Basically trying to understand why none of it was engaging or appealing. To me it was all pretty silly. And there was always that nagging feeling in me that I was always disregarding what I felt to be right. But fear compelled me to set it aside for social acceptance and try harder to understand why they "felt the spirit" and I didn't. What was this "burning in the bosom"? What was that? Ironically, I never felt that feeling until I actually started taking that path of authenticity which led me right out of the church. And now I understand what that feeling really is for me. It's a real physical sensation and is always associated with deep emotional healing. Ironic in that most of the time that "burning in the bosom", that healing, comes to me through the very things the church spends it's time and money on to demonize and condemn.
It's interesting to me that the church can be a healing place for some but complete anathema for others. A part of me resents the church for manipulating people like that. But then a part of me sees that many church members, such as my mom, seem to know where the truth stops and the dogma starts. Still, I would love for her and everyone else to be truly free of such nonsense but then, in the end, it's her truth. Who is to say I have any say over her truth or anyone else's for that matter. Just like no one else has any say over mine.
Friday, October 9, 2009
Unlovable
As much as my life has gotten a million times better I still, for whatever reason, find that I dance on that edge of suicide from time to time. As I am doing now. What were the triggers this time?
People and friends, who I thought were friends, turning their backs on me, pushing me aside like I'm nothing. My existence is somehow anathema to them. This too shall pass, but when? Will I have any friends left? And what is a friend anyway? Loneliness is terrifying!
Ever since LDS conference I've been feeling the cold shoulder from people. No doubt because of the talk by Oaks in which he tries to expound on all the conditions that must be met before God can give unconditional love. Is that the Mormon God or Oaks's God? It is one in the same, as Oaks speaks for the Mormon God. I don't believe in that God. I don't care if an imaginary being loves me or not. But they do. So they can't love me because I don't meet the conditions that their God requires. Who are these people?
People and friends, who I thought were friends, turning their backs on me, pushing me aside like I'm nothing. My existence is somehow anathema to them. This too shall pass, but when? Will I have any friends left? And what is a friend anyway? Loneliness is terrifying!
Ever since LDS conference I've been feeling the cold shoulder from people. No doubt because of the talk by Oaks in which he tries to expound on all the conditions that must be met before God can give unconditional love. Is that the Mormon God or Oaks's God? It is one in the same, as Oaks speaks for the Mormon God. I don't believe in that God. I don't care if an imaginary being loves me or not. But they do. So they can't love me because I don't meet the conditions that their God requires. Who are these people?
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Apostasy is for Everybody
I used to think that apostasy was a bad thing. In the Mormon faith, the word gets thrown around as if it's equivalent to committing murder. I think few Mormons have ever considered that the word exists outside of a religious context. For instance, to no longer believe in the Tooth Fairy or Santa Clause is an apostasy. To change a political party is also an apostasy. As we mature socially and spiritually, apostasy of any old idea or belief that no longer works is required in order to progress.
Ironically, the Mormon church asks, if not requires, people of other religions and cultures to apostatize from them in order to join the ranks of the Mormons. Of course they don't see that as apostasy because they believe apostates are only people who reject the "one true gospel". So they are quick to belabor the idea that apostasy from the Mormon church is the only true apostasy and thus, A Very Bad Thing.
That is, sad to say, rather cult-like behavior.
Having been born into the Mormon church in the stronghold of the Mormon theocratic society that is Utah, I found myself struggling almost daily to break free of the guilt as a result of my diverging belief system. The cultural pressure was intense. But the uncertainty of the outside world seemed unbearable. The perceived safety of the community was appealing and it gave me a sense of purpose and certainty in an otherwise frightening and uncertain world. Yet, I knew there was more to this world than what I was allowed to experience. The group-think patterns could give me reprieve from the perceived on-slot of the enemy's attacks on us "righteous" folks, but at the same time I felt oddly condemned for my desire to see things from the other side.
We Mormons can be a highly suspicious and judgmental people, and more often than not, only see others in terms of black or white, good or bad, friend or foe, us vs. them. There is no concept at all of moral relativity; no genuine comprehension of the diversity of personal experience. There is no true empathy. Ironically, as missionaries, we were taught empathy as a tool to persuade people into joining the church. But it was taught as a simple language mechanic in order to form the right string of words to fit a situation. These exercises only manifested in superficiality that tricked and manipulated people into believing they were being understood. True empathy never existed. The moment I had true empathy for someone, the last thing I wanted to do was teach them about the Mormon religion.
As Mormons we believe in a personal spiritual guide, "The Holy Ghost". An external spirit-person who's companionship is gifted to us by the "laying on of hands" by priesthood authority upon our acceptance of the "one true religion". This "constant companion" is our spiritual connection to the "other side of the veil", a special gift that we can call upon for direction and guidance when we face challenges and uncertainty.
All too often, as a Mormon, I couldn't trust that "spirit" to lead me where I needed to go in order to maintain my status as an upstanding Mormon. I didn't understand the promptings, they didn't make sense. They were so often in contrast to what I was being taught in church. I feared that I was not able to be in tune with the "true spirit" so, instead, I developed a dependence on what I believed to be our infallible, ecclesiastical authorities for guidance. Even so, their guidance often conflicted with what that "spirit" was telling me also. Still, I followed through, I obeyed, as they instructed; after all, they wouldn't be where there were if they didn't have the "true spirit", right?
More and more, every day, I could see that it was making my life more difficult and miserable, but I was able to maintain that acceptance in the Mormon community; up until my sanity hit its breaking point. It wasn't working for me anymore. I needed to move on. At that moment of announcing my departure, I became the enemy to be feared -- the bad, the foe, the "them". It was heartbreaking. I wanted so much to follow that "spirit" but I couldn't do it as a Mormon. I had to leave. I had to let go of the notion of a certain future for a life of pure uncertainty. It was freighting as hell but the "spirit" was telling me I had nothing to fear. Still it would be nearly a year before I wrote that letter to resign.
I was warned by my ecclesiastical authorities that my departure meant that I would lose that gift of the "spirit" and that it was never too late to repent and come back. FEAR! Yet, at the same time, that "spirit" was telling me that they were all full of shit. And it turned out to be correct. That "spirit" grew stronger instead. It seemed to be more in tune with what was behind that uncertainty than ever before. All I had to do was embrace it, trust it and listen. All the things I was always afraid of doing.
And so it goes, I've learned to listen to that "spirit", have trust in the present moment, and embrace the uncertainty. And I've discovered a wonderful joy that comes from jumping headfirst into uncertainty. It's not something to be feared. It's to be celebrated. Still, uncertainty continues to be a scary place sometimes but it's no longer a fear that dictates my life. It's really just undefined possibilities in which I have the power to take control. My personal spirituality is now motivated by the wonder of uncertainty. Too much of what motivates Mormon "spirituality" is the fear of uncertainty. From my experience, "spiritual" guidance attained through fear is just more fear.
It's quite possible I will carry that Mormon baggage with me for the rest of my life. It's not a conscious decision to retain it; it's just the way the mind works. My experiences in that world shaped my thinking in ways that I may never recognize or understand. There is no sense trying to predict what they are and if they might result in something detrimental. Some of those experiences also gave me some perspectives that I'm thankful I have. There is no use discarding all of it just because it was rooted in a fraudulent belief system. When I'm faced with situations that affront my personal experiences, I can assess their value then. In the mean time I'm quite satisfied with the uncertainty of not knowing.
Years ago when people told me of their experience of heightened spiritually upon leaving the Mormon faith, I thought they were lying, trying to deceive. FEAR! But, when I let go of that fear, I discovered a HUGE world outside the Mormon church that is vastly more spiritually inclusive and satisfying than I could have ever imagined. I can now empathize with them. I understand what they mean. I've experienced it firsthand. Now my empathy has extended outward more so than ever before on a grand scale. I now have a grasp of just how connected we are as a human race. There is no "us vs. them". That's a lie. We are all in this together, trying to figure this life out. Some think they have the answers but don't. Others have the answers and may not know it. Many may not even be looking for answers where as others spend their life in pursuit of them. In all, we are just running around, hitting and shoving and bumping in to each other like children on a playground, trying to cope with our own uncertainty of who and what we are.
As for my current Apostasy, I no longer believe that I or anyone was ever gifted with a companionship of any such external "spirit" from any "laying on of hands" by ecclesiastical authorities. I believe that such spiritual guidance already exists within us, part of our subconscious. I don't know what it is or if it matters that I know what it is. I do know that it's ours. Call it intuition, instinct, gut feeling, a hunch; no one can gift it and no one can take it away. It's for us alone to follow, interpret and understand in our moments of uncertainty. It's our personal identity and it cannot be given a name. It's our truth and it just is.
Ironically, the Mormon church asks, if not requires, people of other religions and cultures to apostatize from them in order to join the ranks of the Mormons. Of course they don't see that as apostasy because they believe apostates are only people who reject the "one true gospel". So they are quick to belabor the idea that apostasy from the Mormon church is the only true apostasy and thus, A Very Bad Thing.
That is, sad to say, rather cult-like behavior.
Having been born into the Mormon church in the stronghold of the Mormon theocratic society that is Utah, I found myself struggling almost daily to break free of the guilt as a result of my diverging belief system. The cultural pressure was intense. But the uncertainty of the outside world seemed unbearable. The perceived safety of the community was appealing and it gave me a sense of purpose and certainty in an otherwise frightening and uncertain world. Yet, I knew there was more to this world than what I was allowed to experience. The group-think patterns could give me reprieve from the perceived on-slot of the enemy's attacks on us "righteous" folks, but at the same time I felt oddly condemned for my desire to see things from the other side.
We Mormons can be a highly suspicious and judgmental people, and more often than not, only see others in terms of black or white, good or bad, friend or foe, us vs. them. There is no concept at all of moral relativity; no genuine comprehension of the diversity of personal experience. There is no true empathy. Ironically, as missionaries, we were taught empathy as a tool to persuade people into joining the church. But it was taught as a simple language mechanic in order to form the right string of words to fit a situation. These exercises only manifested in superficiality that tricked and manipulated people into believing they were being understood. True empathy never existed. The moment I had true empathy for someone, the last thing I wanted to do was teach them about the Mormon religion.
As Mormons we believe in a personal spiritual guide, "The Holy Ghost". An external spirit-person who's companionship is gifted to us by the "laying on of hands" by priesthood authority upon our acceptance of the "one true religion". This "constant companion" is our spiritual connection to the "other side of the veil", a special gift that we can call upon for direction and guidance when we face challenges and uncertainty.
All too often, as a Mormon, I couldn't trust that "spirit" to lead me where I needed to go in order to maintain my status as an upstanding Mormon. I didn't understand the promptings, they didn't make sense. They were so often in contrast to what I was being taught in church. I feared that I was not able to be in tune with the "true spirit" so, instead, I developed a dependence on what I believed to be our infallible, ecclesiastical authorities for guidance. Even so, their guidance often conflicted with what that "spirit" was telling me also. Still, I followed through, I obeyed, as they instructed; after all, they wouldn't be where there were if they didn't have the "true spirit", right?
More and more, every day, I could see that it was making my life more difficult and miserable, but I was able to maintain that acceptance in the Mormon community; up until my sanity hit its breaking point. It wasn't working for me anymore. I needed to move on. At that moment of announcing my departure, I became the enemy to be feared -- the bad, the foe, the "them". It was heartbreaking. I wanted so much to follow that "spirit" but I couldn't do it as a Mormon. I had to leave. I had to let go of the notion of a certain future for a life of pure uncertainty. It was freighting as hell but the "spirit" was telling me I had nothing to fear. Still it would be nearly a year before I wrote that letter to resign.
I was warned by my ecclesiastical authorities that my departure meant that I would lose that gift of the "spirit" and that it was never too late to repent and come back. FEAR! Yet, at the same time, that "spirit" was telling me that they were all full of shit. And it turned out to be correct. That "spirit" grew stronger instead. It seemed to be more in tune with what was behind that uncertainty than ever before. All I had to do was embrace it, trust it and listen. All the things I was always afraid of doing.
And so it goes, I've learned to listen to that "spirit", have trust in the present moment, and embrace the uncertainty. And I've discovered a wonderful joy that comes from jumping headfirst into uncertainty. It's not something to be feared. It's to be celebrated. Still, uncertainty continues to be a scary place sometimes but it's no longer a fear that dictates my life. It's really just undefined possibilities in which I have the power to take control. My personal spirituality is now motivated by the wonder of uncertainty. Too much of what motivates Mormon "spirituality" is the fear of uncertainty. From my experience, "spiritual" guidance attained through fear is just more fear.
It's quite possible I will carry that Mormon baggage with me for the rest of my life. It's not a conscious decision to retain it; it's just the way the mind works. My experiences in that world shaped my thinking in ways that I may never recognize or understand. There is no sense trying to predict what they are and if they might result in something detrimental. Some of those experiences also gave me some perspectives that I'm thankful I have. There is no use discarding all of it just because it was rooted in a fraudulent belief system. When I'm faced with situations that affront my personal experiences, I can assess their value then. In the mean time I'm quite satisfied with the uncertainty of not knowing.
Years ago when people told me of their experience of heightened spiritually upon leaving the Mormon faith, I thought they were lying, trying to deceive. FEAR! But, when I let go of that fear, I discovered a HUGE world outside the Mormon church that is vastly more spiritually inclusive and satisfying than I could have ever imagined. I can now empathize with them. I understand what they mean. I've experienced it firsthand. Now my empathy has extended outward more so than ever before on a grand scale. I now have a grasp of just how connected we are as a human race. There is no "us vs. them". That's a lie. We are all in this together, trying to figure this life out. Some think they have the answers but don't. Others have the answers and may not know it. Many may not even be looking for answers where as others spend their life in pursuit of them. In all, we are just running around, hitting and shoving and bumping in to each other like children on a playground, trying to cope with our own uncertainty of who and what we are.
As for my current Apostasy, I no longer believe that I or anyone was ever gifted with a companionship of any such external "spirit" from any "laying on of hands" by ecclesiastical authorities. I believe that such spiritual guidance already exists within us, part of our subconscious. I don't know what it is or if it matters that I know what it is. I do know that it's ours. Call it intuition, instinct, gut feeling, a hunch; no one can gift it and no one can take it away. It's for us alone to follow, interpret and understand in our moments of uncertainty. It's our personal identity and it cannot be given a name. It's our truth and it just is.
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