I can't ever seem to shake the feeling that I'm always late to the party. Whenever I show up, it seems everyone has had their fun and on their way home. This isn't fully literal in the sense that I'm going to a physical party, it's just a way for me to express how I feel about coming out so late in life. Not just coming out to the world, but coming out to myself. And not just with sexuality, but myself as a whole person and who I am and wish to be. I've spent nearly four decades keeping myself locked away, isolated. Most of my childhood was in a deeply religious rural environment where my only safety was in my room with the door locked, especially when my dad was home. I grew up with very few friends whom I couldn't often see because we lived outside of town, but I would end up losing them every few years anyway as we kept moving to new towns.
I'm quite often left with bewilderment, anxiety, and an extreme sense of invisibility to the gay community at large. I'm not accustomed to being flirted with, hit on, touched by others or to touch others, and I'm unsure of my place and boundaries in relationships with others. All too often, my instincts have been maligned by my upbringing so I've been conditioned not to trust them. And in my attempt to reconnect with my instincts, I often misinterpret and I end up being impulsive in ways that bring discomfort to others. I sincerely hope that I've not offended anyone or made them uncomfortable with how I've behaved in their presence. If so I'm very sorry.
I know for many out there, events like MAL, are a fun party like atmosphere to enjoy what we love, but for me it's still a nerve racking experience, filled with fear, anxiety, self doubt, and an overwhelming sense of feeling like an interloper. But I would like to publicly thank Sir, Gunny for his more than generous efforts and more than generous time he took away from his own family and friends this weekend to help me keep those feelings subdued and show me what is possible.
Going forward, I feel some slight hope that I might see a future in this, but too much is nagging at me to know for sure if I'm ever going to have much more than what I've already been given. I don't mean to end on a low note, but I must be realistic with myself and honest with how I feel right now. I'm sure things will change; they have to, for better or worse, but it's difficult for me to understand what lies ahead. I have no context for this.
Showing posts with label spirituality. Show all posts
Showing posts with label spirituality. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 22, 2014
Saturday, September 28, 2013
God Damn It
Q: So, do you think God created us or did we create God?
A: We created the god who created us.
A: We created the god who created us.
Monday, January 28, 2013
Moving Along
It does go without saying that it has been a while since I've written anything on this blog. My last post doesn't count because I was reposting something I originally wrote for Facebook. But, it was something that should have been posted here.
Things in life have a way of changing. I haven't been all that busy, but I have been remarkably lost in activities of distraction, which fed my writer's block. Not that my writer's block was a problem per say, but that I was allowing my distractions to take over, not letting myself mediate on anything long enough to develop something to write about. In essence, I've been coasting and not doing much with myself. Letting my job any my living situation be an excuse for not participating in life, depressed mostly. It's been like that pretty much since July.
The beginning of 2012 right up through June was intense and left me somewhat numb. Aside from a few outings such as Dragon*Con, hurricane Sandy, which I chose to spend with a friend in North Carolina instead of suffering through the intense anxiety I went through with hurricane Irene the previous year, and a Christmas holiday in Seattle with some friends, I basically coasted on that numbness. But all during that time, I noticed that I have been markedly feeling and thinking differently about things. And I've been feeling the need to get back to writing as the dawning of this new year has given me a sense of allowance for renewal and awakening.
It's been a few weeks since MAL 2013 and yet I still find that I'm decompressing. It was, as always, a remarkable experience for me as all socially intensive situations are. And with that I've been able to measure how far I've come in the last few years as well and get a sense for how far I still have to go. And the results are, I've come along way, and I've got a long way to go. And with that, I would like to put this out there as a way to say thank you to the universe and the people involved, even though I've already thanked them in person.
It's embarrassing to admit that I walk into these social situations with a tremendous amount of anxiety that paralyzes me and overwhelms my senses. I'm quite often frozen, inhibited and shut off during these moments. The social anxiety is often all consuming and takes away my ability to be engaging and cheerful. It's all driven by my fear of judgment, rejection, and dismissal, for being imperfect and lacking in knowledge and experience, and unworthy of love. And for the most part, I think I hide it pretty wall, except from the most astute observers. But in the end, I just end up angry at myself for putting myself in social situations that creates more anxiety. I literally shut down emotionally from that anxiety leaving me in a state of mind that I was afraid of being in in the first place. Last year at MAL that's pretty much how it went. Even though I left there a changed person with some new found awareness about what it meant to be authentic, I was still stuck in not accepting that I deserved a place there.
This year at MAL, I had a very different type of experience that gave me some new and profound perspectives. I learned some amazing things about myself and what it means to be a person of love, worth and value which is allowing me to feel much more gratitude than I ever have before. I'm feeling a shift in my outlook and in my inward look, that is permissive of myself to be myself, whatever state that may look like, in whatever amount of stress I might be under, in whatever might be holding me back from expressing my wants and desires.
I'm allowing myself to be OK with the person I become when I don't know what to say, the person I become when I feel vulnerable and scared or when I'm calm and funny. I'm allowing that person that I am at that time, and not judging him with expectations of what he should be doing or could be doing. I'm allowing myself to be what I am and only what I am in the moment and state that I am, which is now.
I can't say that I did all this on my own. Sure, it took a large amount of self awareness and willingness and book knowledge, but it took some education and wisdom that many wonderful friends have been able to give me, and some select moments of trust with some other friends at MAL as they literally, and figuratively, held my leash through the process without judgment, criticism and rejection, giving me the permission I needed to be who I am during all those states. The simple act of going through the motions of all these states, practicing within a safe environment, which I have all the book knowledge of but I don't have the actual practical experience, in order to start that process of deprogramming decades of self doubt and self hatred.
What happened was a profound healing experience that lifted me to a higher plane of self love.
Sometimes, it really does take someone to help. To literally be there with me and give me the permission, safety, and respect that I need for that healing experience to happen. I've always been taught I can only do it on my own. But I know now that's not true and in some cases, not possible. I'm now more willing to not only ask for that help, but more importantly, allow myself to receive that help when it is offered.
But most importantly, I've learned that I can trust again.
Thank you all. I hope that I can carry this with me as long as possible.
Things in life have a way of changing. I haven't been all that busy, but I have been remarkably lost in activities of distraction, which fed my writer's block. Not that my writer's block was a problem per say, but that I was allowing my distractions to take over, not letting myself mediate on anything long enough to develop something to write about. In essence, I've been coasting and not doing much with myself. Letting my job any my living situation be an excuse for not participating in life, depressed mostly. It's been like that pretty much since July.
The beginning of 2012 right up through June was intense and left me somewhat numb. Aside from a few outings such as Dragon*Con, hurricane Sandy, which I chose to spend with a friend in North Carolina instead of suffering through the intense anxiety I went through with hurricane Irene the previous year, and a Christmas holiday in Seattle with some friends, I basically coasted on that numbness. But all during that time, I noticed that I have been markedly feeling and thinking differently about things. And I've been feeling the need to get back to writing as the dawning of this new year has given me a sense of allowance for renewal and awakening.
It's been a few weeks since MAL 2013 and yet I still find that I'm decompressing. It was, as always, a remarkable experience for me as all socially intensive situations are. And with that I've been able to measure how far I've come in the last few years as well and get a sense for how far I still have to go. And the results are, I've come along way, and I've got a long way to go. And with that, I would like to put this out there as a way to say thank you to the universe and the people involved, even though I've already thanked them in person.
It's embarrassing to admit that I walk into these social situations with a tremendous amount of anxiety that paralyzes me and overwhelms my senses. I'm quite often frozen, inhibited and shut off during these moments. The social anxiety is often all consuming and takes away my ability to be engaging and cheerful. It's all driven by my fear of judgment, rejection, and dismissal, for being imperfect and lacking in knowledge and experience, and unworthy of love. And for the most part, I think I hide it pretty wall, except from the most astute observers. But in the end, I just end up angry at myself for putting myself in social situations that creates more anxiety. I literally shut down emotionally from that anxiety leaving me in a state of mind that I was afraid of being in in the first place. Last year at MAL that's pretty much how it went. Even though I left there a changed person with some new found awareness about what it meant to be authentic, I was still stuck in not accepting that I deserved a place there.
This year at MAL, I had a very different type of experience that gave me some new and profound perspectives. I learned some amazing things about myself and what it means to be a person of love, worth and value which is allowing me to feel much more gratitude than I ever have before. I'm feeling a shift in my outlook and in my inward look, that is permissive of myself to be myself, whatever state that may look like, in whatever amount of stress I might be under, in whatever might be holding me back from expressing my wants and desires.
I'm allowing myself to be OK with the person I become when I don't know what to say, the person I become when I feel vulnerable and scared or when I'm calm and funny. I'm allowing that person that I am at that time, and not judging him with expectations of what he should be doing or could be doing. I'm allowing myself to be what I am and only what I am in the moment and state that I am, which is now.
I can't say that I did all this on my own. Sure, it took a large amount of self awareness and willingness and book knowledge, but it took some education and wisdom that many wonderful friends have been able to give me, and some select moments of trust with some other friends at MAL as they literally, and figuratively, held my leash through the process without judgment, criticism and rejection, giving me the permission I needed to be who I am during all those states. The simple act of going through the motions of all these states, practicing within a safe environment, which I have all the book knowledge of but I don't have the actual practical experience, in order to start that process of deprogramming decades of self doubt and self hatred.
What happened was a profound healing experience that lifted me to a higher plane of self love.
Sometimes, it really does take someone to help. To literally be there with me and give me the permission, safety, and respect that I need for that healing experience to happen. I've always been taught I can only do it on my own. But I know now that's not true and in some cases, not possible. I'm now more willing to not only ask for that help, but more importantly, allow myself to receive that help when it is offered.
But most importantly, I've learned that I can trust again.
Thank you all. I hope that I can carry this with me as long as possible.
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
My New New Year
I originally posted this on Facebook on December 21, 2012.
Happy Winter Solstice everyone.
Today marks the dawning of a new year. For me, it's a time to re-evaluate what is important to me and work toward better awareness and alignment of what I believe vs. what I truly value.
Each day is a step in a direction. Not necessarily forward, but a step nonetheless. And when each step is taken, it is unknown the direction I have taken until well after the footprint has settled.
Looking back, it has been an excruciatingly difficult year. I've had many profound experiences which have permanently and profoundly changed me. For the good or bad? That's not a judgement that can be made with much clarity any more, nor could it be. When such things happen, they challenge and change beliefs and perspectives. What once had been called good is now called bad, and what had been called bad is now called good. Each item settling into a place where it best belongs. And in the end, the labels of good and bad fade into meaninglessness until it all just exists as experience. What I take from it is a new or expanded awareness. And not to be too ironic in my dismissal of the labels of good and bad, awareness is a good thing.
I may be remiss in not sharing the deeper parts of my life with people but, somewhere along the way, I had found that such openness wasn't always welcome. So, out of a sense of self protection, I keep things to myself for the most part. However, this is changing. To what extent, I can't say. Future awareness might further level my caution. Wait and see. I'm just going to take it one day at a time.
This year I look forward with anticipation, wonder, and unfortunately, a great deal of anxiety, to what is coming. But with that, I'm working to not look forward so much that I miss what I'm doing right now. One day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time, one second at a time.
At the risk of sounding saccharine, I want to thank the many people in my life who have, over the past year, made a difference to me in profound and long lasting ways. Some of you may not even realize it as we have never met in person, but your presence here and the things you've shared with me publicly and in private messages have meant a great deal to me. Don't take my silence as lack of gratitude. It's there; I just don't always express it.
Happy Winter Solstice everyone.
Today marks the dawning of a new year. For me, it's a time to re-evaluate what is important to me and work toward better awareness and alignment of what I believe vs. what I truly value.
Each day is a step in a direction. Not necessarily forward, but a step nonetheless. And when each step is taken, it is unknown the direction I have taken until well after the footprint has settled.
Looking back, it has been an excruciatingly difficult year. I've had many profound experiences which have permanently and profoundly changed me. For the good or bad? That's not a judgement that can be made with much clarity any more, nor could it be. When such things happen, they challenge and change beliefs and perspectives. What once had been called good is now called bad, and what had been called bad is now called good. Each item settling into a place where it best belongs. And in the end, the labels of good and bad fade into meaninglessness until it all just exists as experience. What I take from it is a new or expanded awareness. And not to be too ironic in my dismissal of the labels of good and bad, awareness is a good thing.
I may be remiss in not sharing the deeper parts of my life with people but, somewhere along the way, I had found that such openness wasn't always welcome. So, out of a sense of self protection, I keep things to myself for the most part. However, this is changing. To what extent, I can't say. Future awareness might further level my caution. Wait and see. I'm just going to take it one day at a time.
This year I look forward with anticipation, wonder, and unfortunately, a great deal of anxiety, to what is coming. But with that, I'm working to not look forward so much that I miss what I'm doing right now. One day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time, one second at a time.
At the risk of sounding saccharine, I want to thank the many people in my life who have, over the past year, made a difference to me in profound and long lasting ways. Some of you may not even realize it as we have never met in person, but your presence here and the things you've shared with me publicly and in private messages have meant a great deal to me. Don't take my silence as lack of gratitude. It's there; I just don't always express it.
 |
| Winter of 2012 Assateague Island, VA |
Friday, April 27, 2012
Horseback Riding With Myself
I would love to say that my story with horses has come to a wonderful conclusion. I dearly love them as I love all animals, but I haven't been able to reconcile my past experiences as well as my new found ones. I still feel at times ignorant and undeserving of the knowledge and still a bit frustrated that I'm not as good of a horsemen that my fellow riders are. I'm also insanely jealous of them as well. Most of them are teenagers or younger and have the most uncanny, if I could say, natural ability to communicate with their equine companions that seem so unreal to me. And the worst thing about all of this, is how out of place I feel as a 40+ salt and pepper hair, gay man, in a class of female teeny boppers, who can ride circles around me and jump fences, all the while I'm just trying to keep my horse from cutting the corners around the arena.
I'm currently not riding right now; I've had to stop in late 2010 because of health problems that have made it unsafe. Problems with an untreatable, proximal positional vertigo being the main one as well as excessive weight gain, unpredictable heart fibrillations that cause dangerous lightheadedness, and a still as yet undiagnosed muscle atrophy, weakness, and neuropathy, have made it difficult to make any progress on anything let alone dressage. I don't really know if my riding days are over or not. I hope that I can return to normal health. But I just can't feel confidence in that happening as things seem to continue to slowly decline. And to make it worse, other than the vertigo and heart issues, the doctors can't seem to find anything medically wrong with me.
I've really been missing my time just being around those great creatures. Grooming, hugging, leaning on, sitting on, smelling their sweat, picking their hooves, pulling their tails, giving them treats, whistling little songs to them while they crowd around me out in the paddock, rubbing them on the brow and behind the ears until they practically fall asleep while their snotty snout is pressed into my stomach. I've gotten so close to them now that I have gotten the point where I wish I could be one. It's that way with all the animals I've ever made a connection to. I see them as innocent, free spirits, always in the moment, with wonderful beauty and pure unconditional love. Who wouldn't want to be them?
Not to get too far off subject, as if there ever is a subject on a free-write post, but ever since I was 5 years old, I've spent much of my waking imagination in silent contemplation wondering what it would feel like to actually be one of the many animals that have occupied my waking sub-conscious. I say 5 years old because that was how old I was when I had my first lucid dream that involved an animal. It was a tiger. In that dream I also became a tiger and experienced an intimate and spiritually deep connection to the tiger that appeared to me. I also felt a strong desire to never want to leave that dream and have pondered the experience off and on for decades since. I don't know why I still remember that dream so vividly 35+ years later, but it was a life changing experience. One in which I don't really know how to explain, and it continues to be meaningful to me now, as well as many other similar experiences that I've had since, both in waking and non-waking dreams and meditations. And aside from the apparent, if not superficial, similarity to the comic strip Calvin & Hobbes, it was nothing like Calvin & Hobbes, although I really do love that comic.
Only in recent years have I bothered to seriously look into these dreams to find out more about their possible significance and meaning. And quite surprisingly, I've found many communities for that aspect of my life spanning from Therianopthy, to Native American spiritual traditions to the Furry Fandom. So at this point, I can honestly claim I'm a furry and oddly enough, I actually couldn't care less about all the stigma and stereotypes associated with furries. They are my people, drama and all.
So what is the point of me saying all of this? I don't know,
just to get it off my chest I suppose. I haven't had a pet in my life for over 10 years. That last one was a female tuxedo cat, who I still really miss. We had a very special bond, as I've had with all the cats I've ever had. She was always begging me to hold her up to the lights so that she could get at the moths. I don't think I've ever gotten over her death. She was suffering from an Alzheimer's like disease and it totally fucking sucked to see her go through the states of confusion she often went through. She was only 12.
Anyway, I wish I had the strength to just go down to the riding school again, but I also can't shake the feeling of being out of place there as if I don't belong. It was easy for the most part to forget about that feeling when I could just jump on my horse and trot around the arena as it was just me, the instructor, and the horse. But when I'm not riding, I become acutely aware of the dozen people there, and I am the only male. And of course, the troublesome pink elephant in the arena that I wish wasn't there despite the common stereotype that all male dressage riders are gay. I don't live in a gay friendly part of the country and there is always someone reminding me of that fact.
Some days I really hate my circumstances. I really resent the shit my life has now. And quite often I forget that in many other ways I have it really damn good! It's as if one aspect of my life got amazingly better while others have reached their shelf life and are about to expire. And it's those expiring parts that I never had the chance to make something of them. For each day that passes, I find something new to regret.
But, to avoid making this post a complete downer, I will include this cropped picture of me wearing my riding boots. I'm on a horse.
I'm currently not riding right now; I've had to stop in late 2010 because of health problems that have made it unsafe. Problems with an untreatable, proximal positional vertigo being the main one as well as excessive weight gain, unpredictable heart fibrillations that cause dangerous lightheadedness, and a still as yet undiagnosed muscle atrophy, weakness, and neuropathy, have made it difficult to make any progress on anything let alone dressage. I don't really know if my riding days are over or not. I hope that I can return to normal health. But I just can't feel confidence in that happening as things seem to continue to slowly decline. And to make it worse, other than the vertigo and heart issues, the doctors can't seem to find anything medically wrong with me.
I've really been missing my time just being around those great creatures. Grooming, hugging, leaning on, sitting on, smelling their sweat, picking their hooves, pulling their tails, giving them treats, whistling little songs to them while they crowd around me out in the paddock, rubbing them on the brow and behind the ears until they practically fall asleep while their snotty snout is pressed into my stomach. I've gotten so close to them now that I have gotten the point where I wish I could be one. It's that way with all the animals I've ever made a connection to. I see them as innocent, free spirits, always in the moment, with wonderful beauty and pure unconditional love. Who wouldn't want to be them?
Not to get too far off subject, as if there ever is a subject on a free-write post, but ever since I was 5 years old, I've spent much of my waking imagination in silent contemplation wondering what it would feel like to actually be one of the many animals that have occupied my waking sub-conscious. I say 5 years old because that was how old I was when I had my first lucid dream that involved an animal. It was a tiger. In that dream I also became a tiger and experienced an intimate and spiritually deep connection to the tiger that appeared to me. I also felt a strong desire to never want to leave that dream and have pondered the experience off and on for decades since. I don't know why I still remember that dream so vividly 35+ years later, but it was a life changing experience. One in which I don't really know how to explain, and it continues to be meaningful to me now, as well as many other similar experiences that I've had since, both in waking and non-waking dreams and meditations. And aside from the apparent, if not superficial, similarity to the comic strip Calvin & Hobbes, it was nothing like Calvin & Hobbes, although I really do love that comic.
Only in recent years have I bothered to seriously look into these dreams to find out more about their possible significance and meaning. And quite surprisingly, I've found many communities for that aspect of my life spanning from Therianopthy, to Native American spiritual traditions to the Furry Fandom. So at this point, I can honestly claim I'm a furry and oddly enough, I actually couldn't care less about all the stigma and stereotypes associated with furries. They are my people, drama and all.
just to get it off my chest I suppose. I haven't had a pet in my life for over 10 years. That last one was a female tuxedo cat, who I still really miss. We had a very special bond, as I've had with all the cats I've ever had. She was always begging me to hold her up to the lights so that she could get at the moths. I don't think I've ever gotten over her death. She was suffering from an Alzheimer's like disease and it totally fucking sucked to see her go through the states of confusion she often went through. She was only 12.
 |
| (1989-2001) picture taken circa 1994 |
Anyway, I wish I had the strength to just go down to the riding school again, but I also can't shake the feeling of being out of place there as if I don't belong. It was easy for the most part to forget about that feeling when I could just jump on my horse and trot around the arena as it was just me, the instructor, and the horse. But when I'm not riding, I become acutely aware of the dozen people there, and I am the only male. And of course, the troublesome pink elephant in the arena that I wish wasn't there despite the common stereotype that all male dressage riders are gay. I don't live in a gay friendly part of the country and there is always someone reminding me of that fact.
Some days I really hate my circumstances. I really resent the shit my life has now. And quite often I forget that in many other ways I have it really damn good! It's as if one aspect of my life got amazingly better while others have reached their shelf life and are about to expire. And it's those expiring parts that I never had the chance to make something of them. For each day that passes, I find something new to regret.
But, to avoid making this post a complete downer, I will include this cropped picture of me wearing my riding boots. I'm on a horse.
 |
| Yeah, yeah, I know, toes forward! |
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Version 1 Results of LGBT Mormon Survey
The first version of results regarding the LGBT Mormon Survey has been released.
Contains explanations about the charts released in the prelim results.
Please click here:
Version 1 of LDS SSA study newsletter now available
(Previous reference: Prelim Results of LGBT Mormon Survey )
Contains explanations about the charts released in the prelim results.
Please click here:
Version 1 of LDS SSA study newsletter now available
(Previous reference: Prelim Results of LGBT Mormon Survey )
Monday, December 12, 2011
Reclaiming Complex and Nuance
This post is about my anger, frustration, pain, anxiety, fear and all that baggage that is associated with my inability to know what to say about my dear sweet friend who attempted suicide yesterday.
But before I get into my shit, I want to direct you to Mr. Doodle's:
Top 10 Reasons Why I Left the Church
Top 10 Reasons Why I Came Back to the Church
Feel free to leave Mr. Doodle a comment or write your own blog post about your top ten reasons you left. If you haven't left the church then write a top 10 reasons why you stay or came back. But by all means, avoid calling people to repentance if they don't agree with you. It's not going to convince anyone. Mr. Doodle has every right to do as he please for whatever reasons he has. As do I and as do you. But just know, if you say I should do things a certain way, convince me first how your life's path can possibly have anything to do with the reality of mine when it comes to your own self-awareness of what I perceive. In other words, if you can get inside my head, you would know what to say to convince me.
I don't have a top ten reason why I left myself. It's more like a top three.
#3 Co-dependency runs rampant and is self-sustaining.
#2 A dogmatic culture of "one life fits all" philosophy.
#1 It's a twisted, abusive, homophobic, fallacy, of conditional love which imposes unnecessary complexity and nuance into the social lives of vulnerable people where there otherwise would be a naturally simple existence. (see #2 & #3)
Yes, I'll say it; my life is still being complicated by the baggage that comes with deeply imposed, completely unnecessary, fallacies of religious belief, which create a complex and nuanced social climate that only an omnipotent god could navigate, a complexity and nuance that must be danced around and walked on like a fucking, god damn, eggshell so as not to frighten the overly sensitive egos of the superstitious, busy bodies. If you are offended by that classification, ponder it for yourself why that is the case. You may have a blog post you could write for your own blog. (Post a link to it in the comments if you like.)
I used to love the word 'nuance'. As a music composer it was the nuance of the performance and harmonic selections that separated a good piece of music from a great one. I used to love the word 'complex' because, as a composer, I could stun my rhythmic sensibilities with layers of poly metered rhythms that was both invigorating and meditative.
But I've learned to distrust these words. I've seen them used against me. Thrown back at me as yet another means by which I am to compromise my feelings, sensibilities, life experiences and just plain life, so that fearful superstitions will not be challenged in their inability to look at anything other than the shadows on the fucking wall.
Navigating these waters, wading through the mud, balancing on a pin head, opening a fucking window, is now this delicate and unattainable "complex and nuanced" perfection that must be played in just the right way or they revoke their love, shut off all dialog, close down all ability to communicate and then they take their ball and go home, a ball that was gifted to them by the one seeking an understanding dialog in the first place. All the while, as they leave, they are screeching the need for empathy and understanding.
Empathy? Yes, amongst the complex and nuanced wash of social engineering is the word empathy, a concept that is imbued, in this case, with conditions that only go one way because only one side of that dialog understands and practices it. The other side can only pay lip-service to it.
I sit and watch with full understanding, yes, even empathy, all of the struggles and fears that have embodied those who can only pay lip-service. And I can understand why they can only pay lip-service, but I can't say a single thing about it. I can't tell them what my path of life has been, I can't talk about my experiences, fears, struggles, joys, loves. I can't even begin to express how our experiences are wrong for each other. All I can do is just listen and let them tell me I'm a perverse and evil miscreant because I cannot believe and live as they do. I understand why they believe and say that but I can't say anything about my reality. They won't listen. They can't listen. They can't understand. They are like little babies who only know the world as it exists inside of their heads. I understand why they can't understand even if the words fail me in explaining it. But I can only sit there for so long before I have been drained of my will to live. I resent having to babysit these adults. I've got a life to live; I can't waste it away trying to open a dialog with unreason. And yet I keep trying. It's leading to insanity.
I have, for the most part, learned to no longer believe that I am a perverse and evil miscreant, but only when I'm rational. But the strange nuanced and complex world of the human psyche can still be triggered into readopting those old beliefs, and often in subtle and gradual ways. Before long, the mind has switched into a new consciousness, into another space, another reality where I only know, understand, and experience these irrational beliefs and nothing else. If the head-space is irrational, I can't think my way out of it. I become the baby who must be babysat. And now I'm the social burden that only a nuanced and complex pandering of my fragile ego can pull me out of. And if I'm lucky, I'll get the empathy I need before I've convinced myself that I must die. This is fucked up!
Nuanced social navigation is an unnecessarily activity when religious dogma is not imposed on a person's identity, thus warping the very reality that is our existence. Life is not complex when religious dogma is not imposed into every aspect of it, especially aspects of life where it cannot offer anything of value, which is all of it.
I would love to say that religious dogma is to blame for this social dysfunction but I can't. All it really does is use us and abuse us and keeps us stuck in it. There is no way around this. We are like this because we evolved to be this way. What I can only hope for is that we will eventually evolve out of it, so that the words 'nuance' and 'complex' can go back to being words to describe aesthetics rather than the navigation of social dysfunction. But, religious dogma doesn't believe in evolution.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Prelim Results of LGBT Mormon Survey
UPDATE (Jan 7, 2012): Version 1 of LDS SSA study newsletter now available
Some preliminary results are in for the Utah State University conducted LGBT Mormon Survey.
Please click here:
Preliminary Results of LDS-SSA Survey Now Available
(Previous reference: LGBT Mormon Survey)
Some preliminary results are in for the Utah State University conducted LGBT Mormon Survey.
Please click here:
Preliminary Results of LDS-SSA Survey Now Available
(Previous reference: LGBT Mormon Survey)
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
LGBT Mormon Survey
UPDATE (Nov, 9, 2011): Preliminary Results of LDS-SSA Survey Now Available
UPDATE: Survey is closed.
Utah State University is conducting a survey for all Mormons or former Mormons who identify as Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual or Transgender.
Click next to read the consent form and more about the person(s) conducting the Survey.
I completed the survey myself and I found it to be, well, rather cathartic. There are lots of open ended questions and plenty of space to write out experiences, stories and explanations. Of all the surveys I've take in the past which have attempted to research this subject, I feel like this one is was well thought out as opposed to many in the past that felt like they were written by "religious" high school kids or church institutions.
Anyway, if you identify as LGBT Mormons/Ex-Mormons, or even if you don't, as it says in the consent document that it's for non LGBT Mormons as well, I highly recommend it so that you can tell your version of the story in relation to this matter.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
What Have I Really Lost?
Over the past few weeks since my big friend fallout on Facebook, I've been thinking about what happened with the breakdown in communication. Why did it break down? And why did it break down so badly?
I had a lapse in good judgment, vented publicly some old hurts, didn't use the best choice of words, and managed to offend some, despite the fact that none of it had been directed at them or anyone in particular. Sometimes I'm rational; sometimes I'm not. That time I was not. When others rant and vent about things, whether it's directed at me or not, I have an understanding about what is going on. I know that they may be irrational, that what they are saying is not really about me. I know not to take it personally. That's why I allow others the space to vent. But I had forgotten that not everyone has that same understanding and some things I said were taken personally.
There was no way I could help them see the error in what they were saying, believing, and assuming about my meanings or intentions. But that didn't really matter; I didn't know what my intentions were at the time, which was why I was venting. We were talking past each other. So I just stopped talking all together and let the other person say what they needed to say and believe what they wanted to believe, about me.
All these years of progress, of letting go and moving on, trying to become a whole, self-defined individual, by reprogramming my thinking, vocabulary, humor, self-expression and identity; they all had no idea of who I was anymore, what I was about, why I felt the way I did. And I was trying to explain it. Albeit, poorly, but I was trying. They just didn't understand; they also didn't really care. They, for the most part, really wanted me to return to the way I used to be. That wasn't possible. So in the end, I lost their friendship. This was more than a stupid Facebook de-friending; this was the real deal.
But, was losing them as friends really what hurt so much? No, what really hurt was the profound realization that when leaving the Mormon religion, letting go of god and all such religious belief, learning about a bigger picture of the world and how it worked, I had actually lost my ability to communicate with them. I had lost my ability to see things through the eyes of Mormon politics, theology, culture and dogma. I can still understand all these things, but I no longer understand them from the point of view of a believer. But, when I was a believer, my understanding of them troubled me. Could that have been because I was never a true believer? Or was I simply noticing things that others were not seeing? And then getting frustrated and hurt as any attempt I made to describe or inquire about my observations were mocked and dismissed.
It reminds me of the story, Flatland by Edwin A. Abbot, a story that has had a subtle but profound impact on my life ever since I was introduced to it in 1986. In that story there was a Square who lived in a two dimensional (2D) world who suddenly, albeit with much drama, found himself in a three dimensional (3D) world. After that experience, no matter how hard he tried, he was never able to convince anyone in the 2D world about the 3D world. That's what happened to me. I could no longer see it only in 2D; I had the 3D version. And the 3D language wouldn't translate to 2D without losing much of its information and meaning.
But, unlike the Square, who seemed perfectly content to live in 2D, until he was forced into the 3D, I was never satisfied by 2D. It had stopped working for me. I saw too many contradictions and conflicts. Many were essentially swept under the rug, and dismissed by those who claimed to have all the answers. I needed something different, deeper, more meaningful and more applicable to now rather than only looking at that the imaginary future. So I took a different path and learned things about my world that now make sense to me. But they all seemed diametrically opposed to what everyone else believed. At which point the communication gap went from a crack to canyon. And all this time, I hadn't realized just how big that canyon had become. And just like in the story, the misunderstandings across that divide would often elevate to frustrations, insults, and conflict. Especially when I was reminded of the hurt I had felt while living in my old 2D world.
I can't force anyone to see things from my point of view. All I can do is just say it and those who are looking will find it. That's how it worked for me; I went looking for it. But now that I've found it, I want to talk about it. But, not everyone will like what I say. I know it's not my problem even though they all may think it's my problem. I have to let them believe what they wish, and if that means they want to believe I'm a bad person, then that is their right.
I'm not saying this to mean that I'm better than they are. 3D vs. 2D is not an "us" vs. "them" idea. It's just that in one particular aspect of our lives we don't see things from the same perspective and understanding. My thinking shifted perpendicular to theirs. What they see as a circle, I can now see as a sphere or a cone, or a cylinder. All they see is a circle. But the huge irony of all this is that we both claim to have "the big picture".
Throughout the story of Flatland, there are several events where a higher dimensional being is trying to communicate to a lower dimensional being about what they really are, and failing every time. The only time it was successful was when one of those beings, the Square, was physically moved into the 3D space. At which point it all became clear to him. But by doing so, he crossed a line that could not be uncrossed. And even though, in the end, he remained trapped in the 2D world forever, his thinking had permanently changed the way he viewed that world.
And like the Square, there just isn't any way I can go back to thinking in 2D. 3D is so much more engaging, enlightening and rewarding. And there is a hell of a lot of stuff in 3D to learn and experience. I just can't spend a lot of time thinking in 2D anymore. And yet, I must caution myself. The Sphere in his arrogance, refused to accept the Square's suggestion that higher dimensions were thinkable. And quickly showed that he was just as limited in his thinking in 3D as the Polygons were in 2D or the Line was in 1D. Those worlds worked for them just fine and they saw no reason to look beyond them.
In my haste, I've found myself getting too attached to my new 3D world and assuming that it is a complete picture, and in my own arrogance have tried to force in on others who have no desire to know if it. Also, my attachment has in the past closed me off from discovering 4D, 5D, 6D and so on, in other areas, until something drastic hits to knock me out of it. The funny thing is it took a nervous breakdown to make that "leap of faith" in to the 3D realm for me. I would hope that it doesn't always have to take such drama to gain new perspectives. Many people seem to have done it without all the drama; it seems silly to keep doing it with all the drama. But, I guess that's probably a bit optimistic to make such an assumption. Whether that drama is internal or external, there is always going to be drama. The Sphere was offended and chastised the Square for suggesting that 4D or 5D could be possible. And the Square was imprisoned in 2D for attempting to talk of the 3D world, which had been made illegal. At least it was better than execution, which was the other option. And in all cases, the object in the higher dimension would arrogantly try to impress upon those in a lower dimension a differing view of the world. Conflict ensued. Drama.
I guess the easy thing to do is just say nothing, keep it too myself and shut myself off from the world in order to avoid the pain of rejection and ridicule. Or, say something, and just accept that all my old friends believe that I am their enemy. Compartmentalize, perhaps? I don't know. I really hate it when people tell me that if my friends can't accept me now, then they never really were my friends. Is that really true? I just don't buy it. Or, am I just stubbornly trying to hold on to the past? I prefer to think that we can no longer have expression in friendships because we no longer speak the same language. Or is that just being naive? I would hope not. I've had friendships suddenly "come back" to me the second I found myself in 3D. When all that time I thought they had turned their backs on me, they were really there, just standing outside my range of vision, waiting for me to turn and face them.
I had a lapse in good judgment, vented publicly some old hurts, didn't use the best choice of words, and managed to offend some, despite the fact that none of it had been directed at them or anyone in particular. Sometimes I'm rational; sometimes I'm not. That time I was not. When others rant and vent about things, whether it's directed at me or not, I have an understanding about what is going on. I know that they may be irrational, that what they are saying is not really about me. I know not to take it personally. That's why I allow others the space to vent. But I had forgotten that not everyone has that same understanding and some things I said were taken personally.
There was no way I could help them see the error in what they were saying, believing, and assuming about my meanings or intentions. But that didn't really matter; I didn't know what my intentions were at the time, which was why I was venting. We were talking past each other. So I just stopped talking all together and let the other person say what they needed to say and believe what they wanted to believe, about me.
All these years of progress, of letting go and moving on, trying to become a whole, self-defined individual, by reprogramming my thinking, vocabulary, humor, self-expression and identity; they all had no idea of who I was anymore, what I was about, why I felt the way I did. And I was trying to explain it. Albeit, poorly, but I was trying. They just didn't understand; they also didn't really care. They, for the most part, really wanted me to return to the way I used to be. That wasn't possible. So in the end, I lost their friendship. This was more than a stupid Facebook de-friending; this was the real deal.
But, was losing them as friends really what hurt so much? No, what really hurt was the profound realization that when leaving the Mormon religion, letting go of god and all such religious belief, learning about a bigger picture of the world and how it worked, I had actually lost my ability to communicate with them. I had lost my ability to see things through the eyes of Mormon politics, theology, culture and dogma. I can still understand all these things, but I no longer understand them from the point of view of a believer. But, when I was a believer, my understanding of them troubled me. Could that have been because I was never a true believer? Or was I simply noticing things that others were not seeing? And then getting frustrated and hurt as any attempt I made to describe or inquire about my observations were mocked and dismissed.
It reminds me of the story, Flatland by Edwin A. Abbot, a story that has had a subtle but profound impact on my life ever since I was introduced to it in 1986. In that story there was a Square who lived in a two dimensional (2D) world who suddenly, albeit with much drama, found himself in a three dimensional (3D) world. After that experience, no matter how hard he tried, he was never able to convince anyone in the 2D world about the 3D world. That's what happened to me. I could no longer see it only in 2D; I had the 3D version. And the 3D language wouldn't translate to 2D without losing much of its information and meaning.
But, unlike the Square, who seemed perfectly content to live in 2D, until he was forced into the 3D, I was never satisfied by 2D. It had stopped working for me. I saw too many contradictions and conflicts. Many were essentially swept under the rug, and dismissed by those who claimed to have all the answers. I needed something different, deeper, more meaningful and more applicable to now rather than only looking at that the imaginary future. So I took a different path and learned things about my world that now make sense to me. But they all seemed diametrically opposed to what everyone else believed. At which point the communication gap went from a crack to canyon. And all this time, I hadn't realized just how big that canyon had become. And just like in the story, the misunderstandings across that divide would often elevate to frustrations, insults, and conflict. Especially when I was reminded of the hurt I had felt while living in my old 2D world.
I can't force anyone to see things from my point of view. All I can do is just say it and those who are looking will find it. That's how it worked for me; I went looking for it. But now that I've found it, I want to talk about it. But, not everyone will like what I say. I know it's not my problem even though they all may think it's my problem. I have to let them believe what they wish, and if that means they want to believe I'm a bad person, then that is their right.
I'm not saying this to mean that I'm better than they are. 3D vs. 2D is not an "us" vs. "them" idea. It's just that in one particular aspect of our lives we don't see things from the same perspective and understanding. My thinking shifted perpendicular to theirs. What they see as a circle, I can now see as a sphere or a cone, or a cylinder. All they see is a circle. But the huge irony of all this is that we both claim to have "the big picture".
Throughout the story of Flatland, there are several events where a higher dimensional being is trying to communicate to a lower dimensional being about what they really are, and failing every time. The only time it was successful was when one of those beings, the Square, was physically moved into the 3D space. At which point it all became clear to him. But by doing so, he crossed a line that could not be uncrossed. And even though, in the end, he remained trapped in the 2D world forever, his thinking had permanently changed the way he viewed that world.
And like the Square, there just isn't any way I can go back to thinking in 2D. 3D is so much more engaging, enlightening and rewarding. And there is a hell of a lot of stuff in 3D to learn and experience. I just can't spend a lot of time thinking in 2D anymore. And yet, I must caution myself. The Sphere in his arrogance, refused to accept the Square's suggestion that higher dimensions were thinkable. And quickly showed that he was just as limited in his thinking in 3D as the Polygons were in 2D or the Line was in 1D. Those worlds worked for them just fine and they saw no reason to look beyond them.
In my haste, I've found myself getting too attached to my new 3D world and assuming that it is a complete picture, and in my own arrogance have tried to force in on others who have no desire to know if it. Also, my attachment has in the past closed me off from discovering 4D, 5D, 6D and so on, in other areas, until something drastic hits to knock me out of it. The funny thing is it took a nervous breakdown to make that "leap of faith" in to the 3D realm for me. I would hope that it doesn't always have to take such drama to gain new perspectives. Many people seem to have done it without all the drama; it seems silly to keep doing it with all the drama. But, I guess that's probably a bit optimistic to make such an assumption. Whether that drama is internal or external, there is always going to be drama. The Sphere was offended and chastised the Square for suggesting that 4D or 5D could be possible. And the Square was imprisoned in 2D for attempting to talk of the 3D world, which had been made illegal. At least it was better than execution, which was the other option. And in all cases, the object in the higher dimension would arrogantly try to impress upon those in a lower dimension a differing view of the world. Conflict ensued. Drama.
I guess the easy thing to do is just say nothing, keep it too myself and shut myself off from the world in order to avoid the pain of rejection and ridicule. Or, say something, and just accept that all my old friends believe that I am their enemy. Compartmentalize, perhaps? I don't know. I really hate it when people tell me that if my friends can't accept me now, then they never really were my friends. Is that really true? I just don't buy it. Or, am I just stubbornly trying to hold on to the past? I prefer to think that we can no longer have expression in friendships because we no longer speak the same language. Or is that just being naive? I would hope not. I've had friendships suddenly "come back" to me the second I found myself in 3D. When all that time I thought they had turned their backs on me, they were really there, just standing outside my range of vision, waiting for me to turn and face them.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
My Rejected Ensign Article
I was pondering once about how everything on earth seems to have a purpose and how it seems to be perfectly designed for our benefit, a good example being the banana, a natural food that is healthy and fits perfectly in my perfectly designed hand on my perfectly designed body. Bananas being a perfect food should be eaten frequently, so I eat a lot of them!
But one day, I noticed something seemed to be off. I wasn't feeling the spiritually upbeat feelings that I have always felt. And I soon found myself on the toilet trying to poop but I couldn't. I pushed as hard as I could. I didn't understand what could have gone wrong. Could I have eaten too many bananas? This supposedly natural bodily process of a bowel movement was becoming especially difficult and increasingly uncomfortable, as it seemed to linger half way out of my butt.
It caused me to doubt for a moment if God had really made everything perfect. If we really were perfectly designed, then why can’t I poop? It seems like something is messed up in how this natural process was supposed to work. If I’m supposed to be designed to poop, than why is it so difficult sometimes? Why would I have to work so hard to poop? I began to curse God! Why would God to that?
I was having a crisis of faith.
But then, something amazing happened, which gave me pause and later shame for feeling any doubts. When the poop finally slid out and plopped in the toilet, it made a perfect splash that hit me right square in the bum hole! It was amazing! The cool water sent shivers up my spine and I knew it was the Holy Ghost witnessing to me the truth of our perfect existence and divine potential.
What I was witnessing first hand, was a natural cleansing process. The water splash in the perfect spot to render toilet paper and other man made cleaning to be unnecessary. How could that be an accident? That had to be designed that way! By an intelligent designer, Heavenly Father! The natural world and all its creatures were truly designed to be self cleaning! We may not be able to lick ourselves clean like a dog or cat but God didn’t intend for us to be cleaned that way. He created a way for us to be cleaned naturally by making our poop splash water on us in the right place when we poop.
It was at that moment I became convinced that even though we may not always first understand the purpose of all things, with faith in God and the power of the Holy Ghost, all things will be revealed to us. Line upon line, precept on precept, all things will be revealed in time as long as we obey His prophets and trust that everything works in harmony as God has designed it. God is the creator of all things and has Intelligently Designed a way for us to be cleansed of all ungodly filth by immersion in the holy waters of anal baptism. And again, through Christ’s Atonement, we will be cleansed spiritually of dirty thoughts about playing with our bums in ways that could make us gay.
But one day, I noticed something seemed to be off. I wasn't feeling the spiritually upbeat feelings that I have always felt. And I soon found myself on the toilet trying to poop but I couldn't. I pushed as hard as I could. I didn't understand what could have gone wrong. Could I have eaten too many bananas? This supposedly natural bodily process of a bowel movement was becoming especially difficult and increasingly uncomfortable, as it seemed to linger half way out of my butt.
It caused me to doubt for a moment if God had really made everything perfect. If we really were perfectly designed, then why can’t I poop? It seems like something is messed up in how this natural process was supposed to work. If I’m supposed to be designed to poop, than why is it so difficult sometimes? Why would I have to work so hard to poop? I began to curse God! Why would God to that?
I was having a crisis of faith.
But then, something amazing happened, which gave me pause and later shame for feeling any doubts. When the poop finally slid out and plopped in the toilet, it made a perfect splash that hit me right square in the bum hole! It was amazing! The cool water sent shivers up my spine and I knew it was the Holy Ghost witnessing to me the truth of our perfect existence and divine potential.
What I was witnessing first hand, was a natural cleansing process. The water splash in the perfect spot to render toilet paper and other man made cleaning to be unnecessary. How could that be an accident? That had to be designed that way! By an intelligent designer, Heavenly Father! The natural world and all its creatures were truly designed to be self cleaning! We may not be able to lick ourselves clean like a dog or cat but God didn’t intend for us to be cleaned that way. He created a way for us to be cleaned naturally by making our poop splash water on us in the right place when we poop.
It was at that moment I became convinced that even though we may not always first understand the purpose of all things, with faith in God and the power of the Holy Ghost, all things will be revealed to us. Line upon line, precept on precept, all things will be revealed in time as long as we obey His prophets and trust that everything works in harmony as God has designed it. God is the creator of all things and has Intelligently Designed a way for us to be cleansed of all ungodly filth by immersion in the holy waters of anal baptism. And again, through Christ’s Atonement, we will be cleansed spiritually of dirty thoughts about playing with our bums in ways that could make us gay.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Winter Beach
I love the ocean beach in the winter time. The air is crisp, and fresh and not a chain smoker in sight.
The landscape is serene with clear blue skies, endless horizon, birds...
more birds...
my boots...
and a beautiful a Belgium draft horse...
I could spend all weekend out here...
Which is exactly what I did.
All pictures: January 15-16, 2011: Ocean City, MD
The landscape is serene with clear blue skies, endless horizon, birds...
more birds...
my boots...
and a beautiful a Belgium draft horse...
I could spend all weekend out here...
Which is exactly what I did.
All pictures: January 15-16, 2011: Ocean City, MD
Thursday, November 11, 2010
To My Younger Self
Formspring Question: "If you could go back in time, knowing what you know now, what would you tell yourself (being the best and worst) about being gay?"
To answer this question, I will share with you a past journal entry where I essentially did that in a way. I wrote a few of these over the years but this one was actually coherent.
To answer this question, I will share with you a past journal entry where I essentially did that in a way. I wrote a few of these over the years but this one was actually coherent.
Hey little [Gay Dot],
It's been a while since we've talked. Sorry it's been so long. I want to talk to you just as you're completing puberty to tell you what to expect from here on out as it relates to this new physical change you have just gone through.
As things are now, you are already feeling the sexual urges. And when you get older things will get more and more confusing, where people in the church will start to talk to you about masturbation, dating, sex, getting married, having children. Some of this will scare you. Don't get discouraged thinking that you must do anything that doesn't make sense to you. Don't get down on yourself for not understanding what is happening.
As it turns out, there is something special about you. It's called homosexuality. Gay. You've already heard fag. Yeah, I know it hurts to hear those words. They are bad words to many people you know and they will continue to be bad words to many people you will soon come to know.
I want you to know, to understand, there is nothing wrong with you. This is normal in human sexuality. It's healthy and natural. Unfortunately, you will be told many lies about it. And you will know they are lies because they will be contradictory. Remember this one? "The natural man is an enemy to god", and "homosexuality goes against nature". Well, which is it? These lies will hurt and confuse you because you will not understand them. But you will come to understand over time and know from where they came.
Also, as you've already become aware a few years ago, you are physically and emotionally drawn to many exotic physical pleasures and role-playing behaviors. You have since come to know these things as Bondage, Discipline, Dominance, Submission, Sadism, and Masochism. But, again, in time, you will come to understand fully what they are about, why they are part of your psyche and why they are special. These really have nothing to do with you being homosexual but they will play a large role in helping you come to understand your homosexuality and the role you will play in life. These things are also normal aspects of what it is to be human and are part of what makes you special. Again, you will hear many lies about these things that will hurt and confuse you. But you will learn to trust your spirit and it will help you discern what is real and what is not.
You have a unique way of looking at the world that defies society's traditional notions of sexuality, and gender roles. All these special things you have are gifts that give you profound paths to spiritual enlightenment that will serve you and those you interact with very well. And you will come to understand why that's important. And even though you feel very alone, from time to time, I understand as I still feel that on occasion. In time though, you will find many people, and discover thousands and thousands of others who feel the same way as you. And even though you feel very alone and scared right now, it will be Ok. We will be Ok. The more you come to understand, the more you will realize there is nothing to fear.
But as with all things good, they do come at a cost. I really don't need to tell you this as you have already experienced it. The world and the church are not accepting of these things at all. They don't know anything about them. They don't understand them. In fact they are deathly afraid of them. And they don't know what to do about their own fears. Forgive them. Let it go.
When you turn 16, and that intrusive bishop asks you about this stuff. You will be too ashamed to answer him. It's Ok to feel upset, confused and hurt. Don't feel ashamed for feeling that way. What he will do is wrong. You will come to understand that what you do with your own body is none of his business. But, forgive him for asking. He is merely doing what the thinks is right. He has no understanding of what to do if you told him about those things anyway. You will come to understand that these men have no power over you. And you will be able to let those shameful and manipulative moments pass.
When you turn 19, you will be confronted by some who will ridicule, and threaten to bash you. They will hate you because they are afraid of what you are. And many will continue to hate you. That will never change. Even though the panic you feel will seem all consuming, but remember, they have no power over you. This life belongs to you. It does not belong to them, the church, your peers, or your family. It's yours. Leave them behind. In time, Many people will come and go in your life. Those that truly care for you will stay in your life and accept you for who you are.
If I could truly go back in time and take on this confusion with more courage, I would. But the past is gone now. What we do now, is move forward, forgive them and let them go. In the process, we will take back what has been taken from us, our self-esteem, our self-worth, and our ability to love. Some days you may just want to die, and you may wish something to happen so that it will end. And some days, it may be you who contemplates how to take your own life. But you will survive this. I know this is to be true because I'm sitting here today telling you this.
The world is changing for the better. The church not so much but they will come along eventually. But, don't wait for them! You already know you don't need them. Let it be Ok that you don't believe in it. Just go out and do what works for you. Let go of the expectations. Let go of those that want you to be like them. They will accuse you of being selfish but you will soon understand that it is they who are being selfish. Let them go. And when you do this, you will soon find yourself on the path that truly works for you. And you will find friends who accept you for all that you are.
What has happened to us cannot be changed, but the emotions we have from those experiences can be changed. Don't feel ashamed of that. It's OK. We will figure this out. As I impart my adult knowledge onto you, you can revisit those awful moments in the past with new understanding, and change that belief you created about yourself at the time. That new belief will come forward to the present and empower us on this journey.
I love you little [Gay Dot]. Be well.
Friday, November 5, 2010
The Missionaries Are Coming
Formspring Question: "what do you do when you see missionaries coming?"
This is a good question, and quite frankly, I'm not sure the best way to answer this. The reason being is that I live in a region of the country that doesn't have any missionaries, so I don't get to see them coming in the first place. The last time I had missionaries in my home was in 2006, when I was still trying to be a good Mormon. But they weren't even working in the boundaries of their own mission.
I live on the edge of the Pennsylvania, Philadelphia Mission. Physically, that's only five miles from the border of the Virginia, Richmond Mission. The missionaries that visited me were from the Virginia mission and had been working this area by special permission from the Philly mission. Not sure why, it was just one of those things. But when that stint was over, they never returned to my little town. Sure, the Philly mission then put some Elders in my ward which was 40 miles away in another city, but they never ventured outside of that other city.
Incidentally, it was interesting to see all of the "letter of the law" church members throw up their arms in disgust that these missionaries were not following mission rules because they left the boundaries of their mission. Whatever, some Mormons seem to think they know better than the missionaries or even the mission president for that matter. There is sort of mistrust they have with them. I know I felt it when I was a missionary in New Zealand, especially amongst the American Mormons who were visiting or living in the country.
But, I digress.
So to answer the question, at this point, I can only speculate while looking back this last summer when I "stumbled" across a pair of Elders while visiting the big city. In that case, the only thing I did was take their picture. But I consider that to be a situation where I was the one who the missionaries saw coming. They were already there and I walked into the area. That's not going to give me any reason to engage them at all.
The thing with all of this is that I really have nothing to say to them. I honestly don't think there is any sort of conversation I could have that would be meaningful to them or me. I've let the idea of religion go and the whole concept of god, priesthood, Jesus and church and stuff really has no meaning to me. In fact, the way I look at the world differs so greatly that I find I end up talking past people regarding the way I view and experience spirituality.
And besides that, missionaries only have a single duty and that is to find people to teach. People who want to learn about the church. I don't fall into that category. I could care less and I'm even less interested spending time on a conversation that would bore the ever living crap out of me. But I'm not going to say that I would outright avoid them either. After all, they are just a bunch of cute young men doing what they think is right. You can't blame them for that, can you?
Anyway, I've rambled on long enough. I really should try to answer this person's question in a more meaningful way as in, what I would do, or how would I interact with them...if I absolutely had to. In that case, I'm going to need to ponder on the possible scenarios if they came knocking at my door.
They are as follows:
- What I could do.
- What I'll probably end up doing.
- What I really wish would happen.
2. What I'll probably end up doing is being very polite, not really say anything other than to tell them that I'm a Gay, Ex-Mormon, Atheist, Liberal, and let them continue so I don't waste their or my time. But if they persist, and some do, I'll resort to flirting. In either case, I'll be trying to take their picture, which might require flirting anyway, or at least a little flattery, which is almost the same thing. I guess scenarios 1 and 2 don't seem to be all that much different in the end except for the part about them finding out I'm a Liberal.
3. What I really wish would happen is that they would come knocking while I have half a dozen boyfriends over for a heavy, gay, BDSM fetish, play party. And without batting an eye, I would nonchalantly invite them in as if they were expected. How would I know if they weren't the friends of a friend, probably the naked one over in the corner, bound to a St. Andrews Cross and being flogged? Who knows? He did say he had two friends coming over, right? And if they did want to talk about spiritual experiences, perhaps I could demonstrate how a bondage table, sleepsack and carefully placed electrical probes could be used to induce them.
Yeah, I think I just lost a few followers to my blog right there.
Anyway, the looks on their faces would be...priceless.
And, there would most definitely be a camera ready to take their picture.
Friday, August 13, 2010
My Old Spiral Jetty
The two things I miss most about the western side of the country are 1) the mountains and 2) vast open space. I really get homesick for it some days.
I was inspired by Holly, over at Self-Portrait as, to dig out my old pictures from 2003-2004 of the Spiral Jetty and the surrounding area. The colors in the pictures aren't as rich as they should be but I attribute that to the fact that the film sat undeveloped in a hot humid house for 6 years. Once I switched to digital, I completely forgot I still had an old film camera. I tried enhancing the colors in a photo editor but I wasn't happy with any of the results. I just couldn't get them to look right. It's as if they were all meant to look old.
On the other hand, as I look at these pictures, there is a heavy sense of a bygone era. Memories of a past that feels so far distant that even though they are familiar, they are complete foreign to me. So, it's OK for them to look old. They are faded and tainted with color, just like my memories.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Lying for the Lord
A few years ago when I first came out to a 'friend' about being gay, he said to me that as long as I can answer the temple recommend questions I have nothing to worry about. This 'friend' was a real letter of the law TBM type of Mormon. In the long story of that coming out moment, it ended the conversation and we sat for a while in profound and awkward silence for the rest of the car trip.
Since I was just starting to push the boundaries of personal honesty with myself and my dealings with the church and church members, his statement about answering the temple recommend questions really bothered me. Aside from the severe resentment I felt by my friend's ignorant and arrogant statement which implied that my value as a human being was based solely on how I answered a set of questions regarding my loyalty to a particular religious practice, I also realized I had never in my life answered those questions 100% truthfully. But at that time in my life, I was still very deeply afraid of being ostracized by all my friends and family so I was feeling rather shamed and self-conscious about how I would still need to lie in the temple recommend interview which bothered me quite a lot.
In the end, I stopped going to church well before my temple recommend expired in order to avoid the renewal interviews. I let them all assume that I had moved away. That is until nearly a year later when they got my resignation letter. Good times.
Anyway, the last time I had a temple recommend interview was 2006. And since then, I've thought long and hard about those temple recommend questions and the agonizing interviews where I would fight with my own conscience, struggling to stare that interviewer in the eye and hope that he couldn't discerned my deceit. So, in looking back, I'm going to right the wrong and finally tell the truth as my Inner Dialog "Hi!" was trying to get me to do all of these years. "HA! It's about time." Yeah, yeah, I know.
Warning: It's long. There are 15 questions to get through here so just deal with it. Also, I'm not really going to write anything all that intellectual here. "Dude, no one cares; get on it with it already." Ok, ok. It's really a bit of a rant layered with sarcasm and offensive language and it rambles a bit. And yeah, it's going to offend. "Dude, offend away! It's not your problem."
Ok, let's get this over with, shall we? "Finally!"
Question #1: Do you have faith in and a testimony of God the Eternal Father, His Son Jesus Christ, and the Holy Ghost?
Answer: Yes. "Liar!"
Ok, ok. So I lied. Believing, or in my case, pretending to believe in the most fundamental doctrines of the church is also fundamental in fitting in to the prevailing culture. If you don't believe, you don't belong; you are treated like an outsider. To be treated as such in a community made up of 95% Mormons, ranges from simply being ignored to back stabbing to being overtly snubbed. But that's only after they realize you didn't want to be a Mormon. Besides, the remaining 5% were all beer drinking, adulterous, coffee drinking, intellectual, drug pushers who molested children and turned them into evil fornicating, feminist, homosexuals. And they all smoked to boot! You don't want to be lumped in with them now, do you? Yeah, I didn't think so. I think I'm justified in lying on this question.
Question #2: Do you have a testimony of the Atonement of Christ and of His role as Savior and Redeemer?
Answer: Yes. "Liar!"
I never did understand the whole concept of Christ's Atonement and all that. It just didn't make sense to me. If God was an all loving, all powerful being, why in the hell did he need to have someone take the fall? Really. The entire Christian Gospel plan, Mormon or otherwise, still makes my head spin when I try to make sense of it. But, as I said before, I'm going to pretend that I have a testimony of this ridiculous shit so that I won't be treated like an outsider.
Question #3: Do you have a testimony of the restoration of the gospel in these the latter days?
Answer: Yes. "Liar!"
Sigh! Forget about me going to hell for not believing in this stuff, I'm going to hell for being a big fat liar. "You're darn tootin', mister." Isn't that a Laurel and Hardy movie? "What?" Never mind.
You know, there was a time when I believed this one. But I realized I only believed it because I was in love with the idea of it. When the facts hit the fan, so did my love of the idea.
Question #4: Do you sustain the President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints as the Prophet, Seer, and Revelator and as the only person on the earth who possesses and is authorized to exercise all priesthood keys? Do you sustain members of the First Presidency and the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles as prophets, seers, and revelators? Do you sustain the other General Authorities and local authorities of the Church?
Answer: Yes. "Lie! Dude! You're creeping me out!"
Oh my fucking god! What am I doing here? Why am I doing this? What the fuck? I'm actually a bit creeped out by this question. I've known too many people who have suffered severe spiritual abuse at the hands of these men. Sadly, I didn't recognize that I was suffering the same abuse even though that creepiness feeling should have been an indicator that something was seriously wrong. Still, I lie. And I lie to myself. It's no wonder I'm a bitter old man and I want to attack the Mormon church! After all, they started it! "Dude, you're not old."
I just made the mistake of being born into it. Yeah, mistake. They told me that I got to choose my family in the preexistence because I was more valiant than the other souls. Really! So, it's my fault. But these men also told me that because I was born under the convent (my parents were sealed in the temple before I was born), that I was double special. But what they didn't know, HAHAHA, was that I was sealed to my parents later when I was around 4 years old. I was never born under the convent. So now what? I guess that downgrades my specialness. Why would an all loving, all powerful God, pick favorites for something so arbitrarily as that? Honestly, what a complete asshole God is to his children.
Question #5: Do you live the law of chastity?
Answer: Yes. "Hey dude! You told the truth, HA! Well, sort of."
Ok, I didn't lie within the context of the intent of the question. But I wouldn't say it was by choice that I was celibate. I didn't find having sex with women to be a temptation anyway. Hmmm, I wonder why. Is it because I'm righteous? "No, it's because you're gay, dude!" Ok, if I was gay then why didn't I have sex with men? "Because you're righteous?" Oh shut up, Internal Dialog! The real reason was because I honestly didn't know it was possible. That is really true! "Ha! So THAT'S why they don't want people associating with The Gays! They might get ideas! They might get educated or worse, recruited!" Scary thought, isn't it? Keep them in isolation; it will save their souls. It's a testament to the level of repression and denial I was suffering. And I do mean suffering.
Still, I found a way to be "unchaste". I used lots of mirrors! "Dude, you really don't need to talk about this." As a result, I have since expanded my definition of masturbation to be "solo sex" or sexual relations with myself, so I guess I did lie, just a little bit. A tiny "white" lie. "Dude! TMI." Fine.
In any case, I'm bothered by the idea of sexuality as a basis for moral righteousness when it's really the lying, the deceit, and the manipulation, where sex is merely a tool, which really destroys lives. But NO, it's all about sex, isn't it? Sex IS the sin. Sex is put up high on a pedestal and treated like something much greater than is really is or ever could be. It's practically worshiped! It's so sacred you are never to talk about it or utter the word!
SEX! Say it! SEK-SHOO-AL intercourse. HO-MO-SEK-SHOO-AL. SSSSSSSSSEEXXXX!
Seriously, stop using chastity as a euphemism for SEX! It really makes it sound like we're trying to appear better than everyone else. Oh, wait, we're Mormons, we are! "I like sex." I know you do, sweetie.
Question #6: Is there anything in your conduct relating to members of your family that is not in harmony with the teachings of the Church?
Answer: Yes. "Truth! Oh, shit, wrong answer."
Wait, what? Can you repeat the question? Seriously. And please explain what you mean by "...not in harmony with the teachings of the Church" because there are some teachings of the Church that are not in harmony with the teachings of Christ. I'm actually a bit offended by this question and because of that, I answer truthfully to point out the stupidity of it. "Dude, you're not going to get anywhere with this. Sometimes the truth is not very useful." You're right. I'm joking, ha ha! Everything is fine with regards to the family. We're cool. Sigh.
I knew a fine lady who had her temple recommend revoked because her husband was abusing her. The logic here was that as long as there was strife in the home, there was no way that she deserved the blessings of the temple. And that she needed to go back and honor her husband so he had no reason to treat her the way he did. Yeah, take a way an individual's only grounding spiritual avenue from an abusive situation because, after all, it's really the victims fault. That's the sort of spiritual abuse I'm talking about from Question #4.
I think our family did much better when we, for the most part, avoided the church as a source of any guidance in that regard. I'm happy to report that things are cool now. My response to this question was in looking back to the early 90's when things were really, really, really, really, really, really, bad. Yes, that's 6 'really's. In the 80's I would have used something like 47 'really's. In 2006 it was still bad but I wouldn't use any 'really's. "Really?" Yeah, really.
Question #7: Do you support, affiliate with, or agree with any group or individual whose teachings or practices are contrary to or oppose those accepted by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints?
Answer: No. "Dude, you might be lying here. Perhaps you should ask for clarification."
No, I will not ask for clarification. Remember what happened in question #6? "Oh yeah, forget it." Why is this even a question? You need to explain to me EXACTLY what this has to do with my worthiness. This question really fucking bugs me to no end. I supported, affiliated and agreed with the most Christ like person I know, who just happens to be an atheist. He was my grandfather. You people seriously need to teach people HOW NOT to judge rather than make this entire gospel discourse about HOW to judge. Question #7 to me really runs at the heart of why most Mormons are not capable of being Christians.
Question #8: Do you strive to keep the covenants you have made, to attend your sacrament and other meetings, and to keep your life in harmony with the laws and commandments of the gospel?
Answer: Yes. "Dude, you almost had me fooled there but your still lying."
I'm getting good at this lying thing in that I really believed I was telling the truth when I said yes to that. But honestly, I would rather sit in the foyer talking to friends than in the chapel pretending to care. And no, I don't have time to do that calling you asked me to do. In fact, I think next Sunday I'm going to be out of town or something. Yeah, my job, you know how it is? At least I showed up to church and got counted and then did all that financial clerk crap that I was called to do.
Looking back, I was always looking for excuses, and quite often, I would make up shit to get out of going to church and avoid church callings and all that other crap. I'm a bad person. "Awww." As in Awesome.
Question #9: Are you honest in your dealings with your fellowmen?
Answer: Yes. "Truth! Except for that one thing..."
It should be blatantly obvious by now that when it comes to dealing with the church and people in the church, I'm a lying sack of shit! Honesty only exists outside the context of my religious circle.
As a side note to this, there was once a Mormon city official my brother had to deal with who believed that the above question only applied to dealings with people in the church. Outside of that, it didn't matter. People who weren't Mormons were dishonest and the only way to deal with dishonest people was to be dishonest right back. My brother finally got that particular Stake President fired from his job and then released early from his highly esteem church calling. Those Utah Mormons can really be a handful sometimes. Oh my goodness!
Question #10: Are you a full-tithe payer?
Answer: Yes. "Truth! HA HA! Suck it, sinners!"
Ha ha! See, I'm a good Mormon! I didn't lie. And because I pay my tithing based on my gross income and then round UP, that right there makes me better than the low-life's who don't! And it makes up for all the lying to boot! Also, here is a little extra to help the poor. Wait, what? You can't help them unless they are active, full-tithe, paying members? What the fuck!?
Sigh. I deeply, deeply regret that I was a full tithe payer. "And a snooty one at that." Yep.
Question #11: Do you keep the Word of Wisdom?
Answer: Yes. "Uhmm, this is a half-truth. I think."
Word of Wisdom or WoW. Wow! Seriously, WoW! Get it? "Dude, that's stupid, no one cares."
Anywho, the entire WoW has been reduced down to the big four: Coffee, Tea, Alcohol and Tobacco. Forget about all the other things stated in there, the big four are all this question is really asking.
Since I can't abide smoking or tobacco anyway, that's a nonissue. Also, I don't like the taste of tea so I can at least feel smug about that. However, I love my coffee. Yeah, I'm going to tell people I like it but I'm not going to tell anyone I actually drink the stuff. I mean, really, what good would come of it? Remember that 5% I want to avoid being associated with? I'm going to drink my coffee in secret!
As for alcohol, the last time I drank that stuff I was around 10 or 12 years old I think. It was a cheap but tasty red wine that my dad let me have. I never got around to drinking much alcohol after that nor did I have much opportunity because I could never risk getting caught buying the stuff. That made it easy to avoid. I also didn't have many friends who drank. The ones who did kept it to themselves because we would shun them when they did. You know about all that "avoid the appearance of evil" crap? Yeah, we are real assholes, but we were righteous assholes. So, except for an occasional coffee I was good to go. Right?
Apparently, coffee wasn't supposed to bar me entrance to the temple. But I could never know when I would get interviewed by some Mormon Nazi who would decide that coffee drinking was a greater sin than me lying about not having sex with myself. "Dude! You never had it that bad." Yeah, I know, but lesser things happened to other people and it really bugged the ever living shit out of me and put me on edge.
Now, I have a beer occasionally. And I'm not afraid to drink it right in front you! Ha! Would you like one? There is still some in the fridge. Or I could open that new bottle of wine I just bought that's sitting next to the coffee maker. Hey, where are you going? Oh yeah, you're avoiding the appearance of evil. Touché.
Now, what about the rest of the WoW? It also says to eat lots of veggies and grains and eat very little meat. And I do follow that. Well, not because of the WoW but because I feel like eating that way. Some days I may actually go an entire day without eating meat. I'm just not in the mood for it. However, I'm a glutton for peanut-butter-chocolate-chip-oatmeal-cookie-dough-ice-cream so, no, I don't keep the WoW in its full context. Wait, the WoW doesn't say anything about gluttony? Well it should!
"We really need to move on here." No, wait, I'm not done.
You know what else? I don't think anyone really knows what the fuck the WoW is really all about anyway. You know? For a short time there in the early 1900's, beer was acceptable under the WoW and refined flour was not! And then there is this indecisive issue with caffeine and soda drinks. And back to my previous point about all of the other stuff not being considered anymore. What the...why the hell has it been twiddled down to the big four anyway? Come on people! Make up your mind! Either get a revelation from God that sticks to something or forget about it! Is God really that wishy washy? "Actually, he is."
Moving on...
Question #12: Do you have financial or other obligations to a former spouse or children? If yes, are you current in meeting those obligations?
Answer: ---
I was never asked this. They all knew I had never been married so they just skipped it. I wished they would ask, that way there would be more questions where I didn't have to lie.
Question #13: If you have previously received your temple endowment: Do you keep the covenants that you made in the temple? Do you wear the garment both night and day as instructed in the endowment and in accordance with the covenant you made in the temple?
Answer: Yes. "Lie? Well... yeah, you lied."
Ok, this is where it gets all weird. I don't really remember what covenants I made in the temple; I was very young and naive back then. I went through twice before leaving on my mission and have never gone back. The experience was creepy and I never felt comfortable with it. Besides, I only needed the temple recommend, not the temple experience, to look like a good Mormon.
As for the magic G's, quite often I would go around wearing only the top when I did wear them. Does that count? I thought of it more as a t-shirt to keep my sweaty armpits from leaking to my outer shirt but most importantly, it was to fool people into thinking I was a Mormon In Good Standing™. As for the bottoms, I preferred that sexy animal print, string-bikini underwear for the sexiness and the support. Besides, those darned magic G's would chafe my thighs like a motherfucker and the seams were always falling apart! "Dude, I think you're going too far with this one." No, shut up, Internal Dialog, I've got more to say about this.
I always thought it was ironic that people would tell me to buy those "mesh fabric" Gs because it feels like you have nothing on! What the fuck? Seriously, what the fuck? I honestly can't figure out how to process that information. Underwear that feels like you are not wearing underwear? Here's a clue, why don't you simply NOT put any underwear on! Yeah, I know, protection from harm and evil and all that hocus pocus. So then, how come when I was on my mission and wrecked my bike and landed on my shoulder, there was a huge hole in my G's and my collar bone dislocated? "Oh, please don't go there." Was it because I was an unrighteous, lying, masturbator who didn't have any self control? Just like all the other missionaries? "No, Dude, that's not it. Let it go." No, it's because it was all a bunch of crap! It was just another idea that I was in love with only so that I could convince myself that it might possibly be true. What was I thinking? Logic and reason, out the window because I was in love with the idea of personal body armor. "You weren't that bad about it." True, because I preferred my armor to look more like those sexy Star Wars Storm Troopers anyway. "Ok, we need to move on." That magic G armor was not sexy at all. In fact, it was anti-sexy. But Storm Troopers, now that is what I call sexy body armor. Yeah, it's useless for blaster fire but who cares, so are magic G's. I would totally do a guy while we were wearing outfits like that. The base layer is Spandex for crying out loud! Those magic G's were anti-sex. Hey, I suppose that makes sense in the context of protecting a person's chastity. Err, I mean sexual virginity. Stick ugly underwear on them and they're fine. Hmm, doesn't explain those gay guys with magic G fetishes. What's the deal with that? I don't get it.
"Moving on?"
Sigh. Moving on...
Question #14: Have there been any sins or misdeeds in your life that should have been resolved with priesthood authorities but have not been?
Answer: No. "Yeah, Dude! I think you might be telling the truth with this one. I think."
Yeah I'm telling the truth because I'm starting to see where this is all left to my interpretation. What is the context of "sins", "misdeeds" and "resolved"? Other than my habitual Lying for the Lord™, I don't know what else I would mention. I did tell my mission president that I masturbated. But have I resolved it? Does simply talking about it mean it's been resolved? I still masturbate in ways that would make your skin crawl and your sensitive little heart go running off screaming to ask God for mercy if you were to see the things I like to do to myself. So, you really want to know? Seriously? I have pictures. "Dude! Don't even..." And for something that gives me a profound spiritual experience, how do I know it's even a problem? And that begs the next question, what is meant by "problem"? No, I'm doing just fine.
Question #15: Do you consider yourself worthy to enter the Lord's house and participate in temple ordinances?
Answer: Yes. "You speak truth! I'm proud of you dude!"
Yep, I believe I'm worthy to enter the Lord's house. Besides, if my adulterous uncle is worthy, even while standing in the Celestial room of the temple, telling dirty jokes, than I believe I'm worthy too, even more so than he. But the better question to ask is if I WANT to participate in temple ordinances? And if that is asked, I'll probably lie. Again, I want to fit in, despite the fact it is 2006 and the last time I was creeped out in a temple was 1991. "Are you sure?" No, wait. The last time I set foot in a temple was 1995 in Bountiful, Utah. But it was only the temple dedication and not an endowment session so it doesn't count. "Oh, yeah. That doesn't count. Not as creepy."
Ok, well there you have it. I've gone through the temple recommend questions, holding myself accountable for the lies I told. And not only do I feel better about myself, I'm better person for doing it. "Dude, you're so cool, I love you." I love you to; want to have sex? "Dude! This is not the place to for that." TMI? "TMI."
Apologies to my uncle for bringing up his past transgressions. If it weren't for him, I wouldn't have had that cognitive dissonance welling up in the back of my mind all these years. Those jokes he told in the temple were very distasteful, even for me.
Monday, May 31, 2010
10+1 Favorite Things
Reina tagged me.
I don't normally participate in these tagging games but this time I felt like I needed to. Not out of obligation but for my own benefit. I seriously thank Reina for sending it out there like this. I probably wouldn't have thought of doing this had it not been for her. It turned out to be just what I needed to lift my spirits.
My list ended up going to eleven. After all, don't all good things go up to eleven?
Anyway, here they are in no particular order:
1. Animals
There is nothing that grounds me more than the non-human living creatures of this planet. There is something very awe inspiring about creatures that don't spend their lives trying to be something they are not. They just exist, do their thing, and are happy to be doing it. Many creatures feel the emotions of fear, anger, joy, happiness but they are not stuck on them, they blow it off and move on. Their innocence transcends the complexity of the human mind. Even though the human mind can give us tremendous understanding of our world, it can also be deceived, which creates needless suffering. Animals are not capable of inflicting suffering upon themselves as we humans do.
I mostly grew up with cats, dogs, horses and chickens. Although, I never allowed myself to develop any bonds with dogs and horses until my later years. I'm still working on birds though. Not sure how but I see myself finding that path through falconry. I don't know. We'll see.
Anyway, for some reason I have always easily bonded with cats. Every cat I have ever owned over the years developed a special bond with me as well. This bond was never shared with any other member of my family.
One special bonding moment came when I was around 12 years old. I woke up one Saturday morning to the sounds of little mews in my bedroom. But they weren't just in the room. They were in my bed. Right there leaning up against my back, as I was lying in my side, was my mother cat and her five newborn kittens. Rather than hiding away to have her litter as she had done in the past, she had them there with me. While I was sleeping, she had pressed her back up against mine, as she had done every other night to sleep, but this time rather than find a secluded place in the house, under the bed, closet etc, she felt it safe enough to stay where she was. I will never forget that. Nor will I forget my dried crusty bloody pajamas as I was tearing them loose from the crusted bloody bed sheet. Poor kitty she didn't like me leaving. I pushed the blanket up to her to fill the space I had vacated. She was content with that.
2. Dressage
Naturally, because dressage involves riding horses! And I love riding horses, although, I haven't been doing it for very long. It took me awhile to rediscover the fascination I once had with horses growing up, a topic that needs a post of its own someday.
The neatest thing to me about dressage is that it's just as much about developing a strong, agile and athletic horse as it is about developing a strong, agile and athletic rider. And the gentle and subtle communication between horse and rider is another special bond that both fascinates and amazes me.
No matter how hard a day I've had at work that week, the moment I step into the stall or walk out to the paddock to retrieve my horse, I no longer care about the world. I'm fully present for this majestic, powerful, and gentle creature as we teach each other how to work as one.
3. Music
I love music. I compose music. I have been composing music since I was 5 years old. At around age 12 my aunt gave me a few sheets of paper she had written on that showed me how to read music, how chords were constructed and how to transpose into different keys. Within months, I was now writing things down. By the time I entered high school, I had composed a huge body of work. My final semester of my senior year in high school, I was taking 5 music classes out of the 8 periods. I studied music during my first stint in college although I was never able to complete it. I toured for one summer with the Blue Knights Drum and Bugle Corps. And during my second stint in college studying to be a Computer Engineer, I still kept my performance and composition skills alive by composing and performing with the percussion ensemble. A few years ago, my brother-in-law commissioned me to compose the soundtrack to one of his short films.
Needless to say, much of my life revolves around music. I'm always looking for new and interesting music that I've never heard before. Melodic and orchestrated works from modern or classical composers of jazz, heavy metal, folk, elevator, progressive rock, industrial, chill, Celtic, Andean, Latin, etc. The list goes on and on. Too many to mention. There are genres that I don't like but this post isn't about them. They are few anyway. On any given day at work, my iPod will be playing a mixture of an easy listening arrangement by Percy Faith followed by the hard pounding edge of the Dutch heavy metal band, Within Temptation, to be followed by a smooth cello concerto by Samuel Barber and so on. It's all good.
4. Coffee
I don't drink it for the caffeine; I drink it for the flavor. So naturally, I'm always buying the pricier stuff. I was introduced to coffee at the tender age of 10 by my grandmother. It was the most awesomest thing evar!
5. Sex
Yes I'm going to say it. Sex, and all that sex can entail. And it can entail a lot! Kissing, cuddling, fetishes, BDSM, puppy play etc. and yes, it has to be the gay version. I have a different blog about this so I don't need to elaborate any more here. :)
6. Beer
Not just any beer, it has to be the dark malty kind. Yummy, malty smooth and malty! I don't drink beer or any alcoholic drinks to get drunk, I never get drunk. I drink beer for the flavor! I just wished it didn't have so many gash darn calories!
7. Internet
Ok, who DOESN'T love the internet? Those who are reading this blog I would expect at least like the internet. If you didn't like the internet, you mostly likely wouldn't be here. Right?
For me it's primarily an escape to distract me from the tedious and frustrating existence that I have living in this rural and socially foreign region of the US. Yeah, there is some bad to that but I'm going to focus on the good. The internet has accomplished for me the following:
Allowed me to stay in closer contact with family and friends. Provided a place for me to connect with other like minded people so that I can have a voice on topics that I would never have the opportunity to discuses otherwise. Find hook ups with people with like minded interests. Find dates with people with like minded interests. Look up crazy-ass things on Wikipedia, Google and lds.org. And most importantly, it was instrumental in allowing me to find a particular picture of a friend of mine, which triggered my coming out process that forever changed the course of my life for the better.
What would I have done without the internet?
8. Computers and Programming
Although, many might include this into internet, as it does require a computer to get on the internet, I think of it completely different. I have been programming computers since I was 12 years old, long before the internet existed. If I wasn't off tinkering on the piano or banging away on the drum set, I was on the computer, writing programs. Anywhere form silly little things that played songs or plotted pretty designs on the monitor to elaborate database programs that I used to keep track of my huge reel-to-reel tape collection.
Now, I use the computer for almost everything I do. It's the primary tool I use for my employment, to build my music compositions and recordings, write, blog, watch TV and otherwise communicate with the rest of the world. The computer is the only appliance in my life that I would want to have with me if I were stranded on a desert island. Assuming of course that there was a place to plug it in and I could get free Wi-Fi.
9. Walking and Nature
Granted they are two separate things but I'm combining them as they go hand in hand for me.
I walk a lot. When I go out walking, I average about 4 miles per trip. And depending on time, I may do several walks a day ranging from 3-10 miles. I have lost a lot of weight doing this. But the other reason I walk is to clear my head. It helps me work out the anxiousness that builds up from sitting in a windowless office all day or help me blow off anger and frustration at the world in general.
Even though there have been times I've walked on an indoor track with some friends, I prefer to only do my walking outside. Walking outside could mean anything from walking around the town or city to hiking in the park or woods. But ultimately, anything with a natural setting is ideal and preferred even if I have to drive a while to get there.
Since there are no mountains, I have to make do with the sandy beaches of my favorite place out here, the Chincoteague National Wildlife Preserve, which is mostly on Assategue Is. VA. On any given day of the year, and I've pretty much hit that place every month throughout the year since 2007, I have seen more varieties of wildlife in that short time than I ever did growing up in rural Utah. And watching these animals in their natural setting while I'm out communing with nature is a spiritual and profoundly grounding experience. (see Animals)
10. Photography
I love the idea of making art out of an instantaneous moment in time, to capture a glimpse of the real word for a split second. What would never be seen in that exact state ever again, is now captured forever. And out of that moment is born something new.
Images can capture beauty and emotion that transcend from the time they were taken. And for me, as I'm a very visually oriented thinker, such images draw me in, inspire, and stimulate me in ways that other art forms cannot. Not even sculpture or paintings. I hope to be featuring more of my photography in my blogs in the coming years.
11. Family
Last but not least, my family. This could be an entire blog post of its own. In fact all of the things on here could be. But let me just say this, without my mom and dad and many of my siblings, I wouldn't have made it this far. I wouldn't be here to tell the tale of my life. They have been the only true friends I will ever have and I can't even begin to express how fortunate I am. I'm not even sure I can comprehend the magnitude of that fortune. I'm fully aware that many others don't have what I have when it comes to family. It breaks my heart. I wish they could have mine.
My parents have always had an open house to people over the years, many of them struggling in some why or other with their lives. By giving them a space to crash for a time demonstrates the amazing generosity they have that not even I have been capable of giving. I'm still the black sheep in this family, but this family is welcoming of the back sheep.
Truth be told, it wasn't always like that, but it changed. Back in the late 80's my mom found the courage, strength and open mindedness to drive her to find the path that would work when the life that was handed to her was failing miserably. She questioned and challenged the status quo, looked beyond the LDS church to find real answers, real solutions! By doing so, she brought the rest of us with her. Now, here we are today. From deep dysfunction grew strength, love and acceptance. It's not perfect but it's all that it needs to be.
tagging...
The rules of this tagging game are that I am to tag 10 others. I'm not comfortable with doing that but if you feel inspired by my list, go for it, and let me know by posting a comment here.
UPDATE: What the hell! I realized there are a few people I really want to know better so I'm just going to go a head and risk it by tagging them, dammit! I don't know if they will ever see this but it's out there.
Mel
Laruen T. Hart
fonsy
Stella
Andee
Quiet Song
Maureen
ControllerOne
UPDATE AGAIN: looks like Quite Song already posted before I completed my tag list! LOL!
I don't normally participate in these tagging games but this time I felt like I needed to. Not out of obligation but for my own benefit. I seriously thank Reina for sending it out there like this. I probably wouldn't have thought of doing this had it not been for her. It turned out to be just what I needed to lift my spirits.
My list ended up going to eleven. After all, don't all good things go up to eleven?
Anyway, here they are in no particular order:
1. Animals
There is nothing that grounds me more than the non-human living creatures of this planet. There is something very awe inspiring about creatures that don't spend their lives trying to be something they are not. They just exist, do their thing, and are happy to be doing it. Many creatures feel the emotions of fear, anger, joy, happiness but they are not stuck on them, they blow it off and move on. Their innocence transcends the complexity of the human mind. Even though the human mind can give us tremendous understanding of our world, it can also be deceived, which creates needless suffering. Animals are not capable of inflicting suffering upon themselves as we humans do.
I mostly grew up with cats, dogs, horses and chickens. Although, I never allowed myself to develop any bonds with dogs and horses until my later years. I'm still working on birds though. Not sure how but I see myself finding that path through falconry. I don't know. We'll see.
Anyway, for some reason I have always easily bonded with cats. Every cat I have ever owned over the years developed a special bond with me as well. This bond was never shared with any other member of my family.
One special bonding moment came when I was around 12 years old. I woke up one Saturday morning to the sounds of little mews in my bedroom. But they weren't just in the room. They were in my bed. Right there leaning up against my back, as I was lying in my side, was my mother cat and her five newborn kittens. Rather than hiding away to have her litter as she had done in the past, she had them there with me. While I was sleeping, she had pressed her back up against mine, as she had done every other night to sleep, but this time rather than find a secluded place in the house, under the bed, closet etc, she felt it safe enough to stay where she was. I will never forget that. Nor will I forget my dried crusty bloody pajamas as I was tearing them loose from the crusted bloody bed sheet. Poor kitty she didn't like me leaving. I pushed the blanket up to her to fill the space I had vacated. She was content with that.
2. Dressage
Naturally, because dressage involves riding horses! And I love riding horses, although, I haven't been doing it for very long. It took me awhile to rediscover the fascination I once had with horses growing up, a topic that needs a post of its own someday.
The neatest thing to me about dressage is that it's just as much about developing a strong, agile and athletic horse as it is about developing a strong, agile and athletic rider. And the gentle and subtle communication between horse and rider is another special bond that both fascinates and amazes me.
No matter how hard a day I've had at work that week, the moment I step into the stall or walk out to the paddock to retrieve my horse, I no longer care about the world. I'm fully present for this majestic, powerful, and gentle creature as we teach each other how to work as one.
3. Music
I love music. I compose music. I have been composing music since I was 5 years old. At around age 12 my aunt gave me a few sheets of paper she had written on that showed me how to read music, how chords were constructed and how to transpose into different keys. Within months, I was now writing things down. By the time I entered high school, I had composed a huge body of work. My final semester of my senior year in high school, I was taking 5 music classes out of the 8 periods. I studied music during my first stint in college although I was never able to complete it. I toured for one summer with the Blue Knights Drum and Bugle Corps. And during my second stint in college studying to be a Computer Engineer, I still kept my performance and composition skills alive by composing and performing with the percussion ensemble. A few years ago, my brother-in-law commissioned me to compose the soundtrack to one of his short films.
Needless to say, much of my life revolves around music. I'm always looking for new and interesting music that I've never heard before. Melodic and orchestrated works from modern or classical composers of jazz, heavy metal, folk, elevator, progressive rock, industrial, chill, Celtic, Andean, Latin, etc. The list goes on and on. Too many to mention. There are genres that I don't like but this post isn't about them. They are few anyway. On any given day at work, my iPod will be playing a mixture of an easy listening arrangement by Percy Faith followed by the hard pounding edge of the Dutch heavy metal band, Within Temptation, to be followed by a smooth cello concerto by Samuel Barber and so on. It's all good.
4. Coffee
I don't drink it for the caffeine; I drink it for the flavor. So naturally, I'm always buying the pricier stuff. I was introduced to coffee at the tender age of 10 by my grandmother. It was the most awesomest thing evar!
5. Sex
Yes I'm going to say it. Sex, and all that sex can entail. And it can entail a lot! Kissing, cuddling, fetishes, BDSM, puppy play etc. and yes, it has to be the gay version. I have a different blog about this so I don't need to elaborate any more here. :)
6. Beer
Not just any beer, it has to be the dark malty kind. Yummy, malty smooth and malty! I don't drink beer or any alcoholic drinks to get drunk, I never get drunk. I drink beer for the flavor! I just wished it didn't have so many gash darn calories!
7. Internet
Ok, who DOESN'T love the internet? Those who are reading this blog I would expect at least like the internet. If you didn't like the internet, you mostly likely wouldn't be here. Right?
For me it's primarily an escape to distract me from the tedious and frustrating existence that I have living in this rural and socially foreign region of the US. Yeah, there is some bad to that but I'm going to focus on the good. The internet has accomplished for me the following:
Allowed me to stay in closer contact with family and friends. Provided a place for me to connect with other like minded people so that I can have a voice on topics that I would never have the opportunity to discuses otherwise. Find hook ups with people with like minded interests. Find dates with people with like minded interests. Look up crazy-ass things on Wikipedia, Google and lds.org. And most importantly, it was instrumental in allowing me to find a particular picture of a friend of mine, which triggered my coming out process that forever changed the course of my life for the better.
What would I have done without the internet?
8. Computers and Programming
Although, many might include this into internet, as it does require a computer to get on the internet, I think of it completely different. I have been programming computers since I was 12 years old, long before the internet existed. If I wasn't off tinkering on the piano or banging away on the drum set, I was on the computer, writing programs. Anywhere form silly little things that played songs or plotted pretty designs on the monitor to elaborate database programs that I used to keep track of my huge reel-to-reel tape collection.
Now, I use the computer for almost everything I do. It's the primary tool I use for my employment, to build my music compositions and recordings, write, blog, watch TV and otherwise communicate with the rest of the world. The computer is the only appliance in my life that I would want to have with me if I were stranded on a desert island. Assuming of course that there was a place to plug it in and I could get free Wi-Fi.
9. Walking and Nature
Granted they are two separate things but I'm combining them as they go hand in hand for me.
I walk a lot. When I go out walking, I average about 4 miles per trip. And depending on time, I may do several walks a day ranging from 3-10 miles. I have lost a lot of weight doing this. But the other reason I walk is to clear my head. It helps me work out the anxiousness that builds up from sitting in a windowless office all day or help me blow off anger and frustration at the world in general.
Even though there have been times I've walked on an indoor track with some friends, I prefer to only do my walking outside. Walking outside could mean anything from walking around the town or city to hiking in the park or woods. But ultimately, anything with a natural setting is ideal and preferred even if I have to drive a while to get there.
Since there are no mountains, I have to make do with the sandy beaches of my favorite place out here, the Chincoteague National Wildlife Preserve, which is mostly on Assategue Is. VA. On any given day of the year, and I've pretty much hit that place every month throughout the year since 2007, I have seen more varieties of wildlife in that short time than I ever did growing up in rural Utah. And watching these animals in their natural setting while I'm out communing with nature is a spiritual and profoundly grounding experience. (see Animals)
10. Photography
I love the idea of making art out of an instantaneous moment in time, to capture a glimpse of the real word for a split second. What would never be seen in that exact state ever again, is now captured forever. And out of that moment is born something new.
Images can capture beauty and emotion that transcend from the time they were taken. And for me, as I'm a very visually oriented thinker, such images draw me in, inspire, and stimulate me in ways that other art forms cannot. Not even sculpture or paintings. I hope to be featuring more of my photography in my blogs in the coming years.
11. Family
Last but not least, my family. This could be an entire blog post of its own. In fact all of the things on here could be. But let me just say this, without my mom and dad and many of my siblings, I wouldn't have made it this far. I wouldn't be here to tell the tale of my life. They have been the only true friends I will ever have and I can't even begin to express how fortunate I am. I'm not even sure I can comprehend the magnitude of that fortune. I'm fully aware that many others don't have what I have when it comes to family. It breaks my heart. I wish they could have mine.
My parents have always had an open house to people over the years, many of them struggling in some why or other with their lives. By giving them a space to crash for a time demonstrates the amazing generosity they have that not even I have been capable of giving. I'm still the black sheep in this family, but this family is welcoming of the back sheep.
Truth be told, it wasn't always like that, but it changed. Back in the late 80's my mom found the courage, strength and open mindedness to drive her to find the path that would work when the life that was handed to her was failing miserably. She questioned and challenged the status quo, looked beyond the LDS church to find real answers, real solutions! By doing so, she brought the rest of us with her. Now, here we are today. From deep dysfunction grew strength, love and acceptance. It's not perfect but it's all that it needs to be.
tagging...
The rules of this tagging game are that I am to tag 10 others. I'm not comfortable with doing that but if you feel inspired by my list, go for it, and let me know by posting a comment here.
UPDATE: What the hell! I realized there are a few people I really want to know better so I'm just going to go a head and risk it by tagging them, dammit! I don't know if they will ever see this but it's out there.
Mel
Laruen T. Hart
fonsy
Stella
Andee
Quiet Song
Maureen
ControllerOne
UPDATE AGAIN: looks like Quite Song already posted before I completed my tag list! LOL!
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