Well, I jumped on another bandwagon and added the little Formspring thingy-ma-jiggery-doo to my blog a few weeks ago. I thought, what the hell? I'm slowly becoming a bit more settled in my life, and don't feel like I have to jump up and down about everything that goes on, for the most part anyway. I'm starting to grow up a little bit I think. Not that I've reached an emotional maturity that matches my physical age, but I'm just saying, you know, that I'm less of an asshole. Actually, I don't really know what I'm saying.
Anyhoo,
I'm open to fielding questions from my blog readers (I think I have about 9 of them) in case someone wants to get to know me better. But the questions don't have to be about things gay or Mormon or whatever. You can even ask anonymously. Hell they don't even have to be questions. Of, course I reserve the right to ignore them if they, well, you know, are not coherent, but I might have fun with them anyway. BWA HA HA HA! etc.
I've already received my first question about a week ago and I'm going to post an answer soon. Proof that I intend to get around to things eventually. Not that I procrastinate or anything, I'm just not all that ambitious and I like to take my time on things until they are "perfect". Also, I'm trying to "suffer" through some back pain right now from diving off a horse and it makes me grouchy, tired and prone to putting things off. But that's to be expected.
In the mean time, check out what Kiley is doing. Now THAT is what I call ambitious. Especialy #28!
Kiley is just awesome. I could totally be a lesbian for Kiley!
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Gender Doesn't Make the Man
Craig posted a video. (embedded below) Please watch.
I could only express such things in limited ways to only my closest friends and family. But the way I would express them could only be described as petulant and detached. I wanted it understood that I didn't like the way things where but I didn't want people to think I was that passionate about it.
But secretly, I was very passionate, and very much troubled by the ridiculous and meaningless social rules that pitted me against my feelings. Of all the things I hated most about the world, it was the notion that our gender would dictate a right and wrong way to think, behave or just simply be.
I was one of those little queer kids who wanted to dress up in my mom's jewelry and her 6-inch pumps. When I was 5 years old, my first Halloween costume was that of a witch, with black flowing robes and the pointy hat. At that age I didn't make any distinctions between what the boys were suppose to be and the girls were suppose to be. I like what I liked, whether it was long frilly skirts, the Easy-Bake oven, or Lincoln Logs and Matchbox cars. I liked it all and I wanted it all. And up until a certain point, I was allowed to have it all, although, it was never to the extent that the lucky little boy, Dyson Kilodavis of Seattle has had.
Over time, as I got older, I started to notice that there were these set roles. Strict categories labeled "good" and "bad" depending on the gender of the individual to which those roles were being played out. And when I weighed these new rules to my own desires and actions, I started to feel like I was deeply flawed, terrible and a bad person. But, for some reason, I've been able to keep myself somewhat resolved in not totally internalizing that negativity towards myself. Even during that extreme but brief period in Jr, High and High School, I was able to resist taking on that self-loathing completely. But then, during that time, I think I had forgotten what it was I was trying to hide from anyway.
Well, I'm not going to let what society or religion dictates to me how I should be. But to be clear, this doesn't mean I'm going to go out and start cross dressing or wearing makeup. Just because it's something that is usually associated with women doesn't mean that I want it. Sometimes I think most of what the women do is shit that some men have dictated to them that they should do. No, I'm only talking strictly about what I want.
So, what it really comes down to is this: If I like it, I'm doing it. If some ignorant fool wants to give me shit about it, like the time I wore my knee-high moccasins to a macho, hetero-centrist tourist destination on the east coast, it's not my problem. Their opinions have no power over me, that is until I'm physically assaulted which is a topic I'm just not ready to deal with.
I could only express such things in limited ways to only my closest friends and family. But the way I would express them could only be described as petulant and detached. I wanted it understood that I didn't like the way things where but I didn't want people to think I was that passionate about it.
But secretly, I was very passionate, and very much troubled by the ridiculous and meaningless social rules that pitted me against my feelings. Of all the things I hated most about the world, it was the notion that our gender would dictate a right and wrong way to think, behave or just simply be.
I was one of those little queer kids who wanted to dress up in my mom's jewelry and her 6-inch pumps. When I was 5 years old, my first Halloween costume was that of a witch, with black flowing robes and the pointy hat. At that age I didn't make any distinctions between what the boys were suppose to be and the girls were suppose to be. I like what I liked, whether it was long frilly skirts, the Easy-Bake oven, or Lincoln Logs and Matchbox cars. I liked it all and I wanted it all. And up until a certain point, I was allowed to have it all, although, it was never to the extent that the lucky little boy, Dyson Kilodavis of Seattle has had.
Over time, as I got older, I started to notice that there were these set roles. Strict categories labeled "good" and "bad" depending on the gender of the individual to which those roles were being played out. And when I weighed these new rules to my own desires and actions, I started to feel like I was deeply flawed, terrible and a bad person. But, for some reason, I've been able to keep myself somewhat resolved in not totally internalizing that negativity towards myself. Even during that extreme but brief period in Jr, High and High School, I was able to resist taking on that self-loathing completely. But then, during that time, I think I had forgotten what it was I was trying to hide from anyway.
Well, I'm not going to let what society or religion dictates to me how I should be. But to be clear, this doesn't mean I'm going to go out and start cross dressing or wearing makeup. Just because it's something that is usually associated with women doesn't mean that I want it. Sometimes I think most of what the women do is shit that some men have dictated to them that they should do. No, I'm only talking strictly about what I want.
So, what it really comes down to is this: If I like it, I'm doing it. If some ignorant fool wants to give me shit about it, like the time I wore my knee-high moccasins to a macho, hetero-centrist tourist destination on the east coast, it's not my problem. Their opinions have no power over me, that is until I'm physically assaulted which is a topic I'm just not ready to deal with.
Friday, October 22, 2010
Face Slapping
To some, my mere existence is a slap in the face of god. To that I say, HA HA HA HA HAH AHA HA HA HA HA HA HAH AH A!!!!!
*Slap* *Slap* *Slap*
Now, turn the other cheek!
*Slap* *Slap* *Slap*
Ok, now the other cheek!
*Slap* *Slap* *Slap*
keep turning...
*Slap* *Slap* *Slap*
Ok, now that you're done slapping me, can I slap you? No?
So much for the golden rule, eh?
*Slap* *Slap* *Slap*
Now, turn the other cheek!
*Slap* *Slap* *Slap*
Ok, now the other cheek!
*Slap* *Slap* *Slap*
keep turning...
*Slap* *Slap* *Slap*
Ok, now that you're done slapping me, can I slap you? No?
So much for the golden rule, eh?
Monday, October 11, 2010
National NOT Coming Out Day
Apparently, I'm not as out as I thought I was. In fact, I'm probably not out at all if being out means I'm going to happily announce on Facebook on "National Coming Out Day" that I'm out, which I'm not going to do. Besides, if anyone on Facebook actually looks at my profile, he or she will see that my interest is in men and that I have a large mass of LGBT and other sexuality groups that I have "liked". That's as "out" as I feel like I can do for now.
I have "friended" many people from work, high school, my mission as well as from other times of my past who I know have not looked at my Facebook profile, and in a way, I'm glad. I just don't want it to be a big deal. But, I'm also screaming inside to talk about it. It's the pains of living alone and isolated. I just want to talk about it with people I know I can trust, because the rest of them just want to tell me how I need save myself by following Christ, and it's not just the Mormons that do that either.
I had lunch with a co-worker last week, who I also take dressage lessons with, and I mentioned to her my troubles with the "big elephant in the room" and the problems I had living and working out here. I wanted to talk to her about the incidences I've had with some co-workers and their incredibly insensitive and homophobic rants during some corporate social functions, which HR effectively ignored, and the bullshit, insulting, gay and trans jokes that get tossed around as if LGBT people are just another group of freaks to made fun of.
I know that simply mentioning that elephant issue made her uncomfortable so I didn't elaborate. She's one of the many people I know out here that doesn't have a problem with me being gay but at the same time, does. Still, I give her credit for trying. But because I didn't say anything, she said that my elephant problem was mostly in my head. Granted, I admitted that a large part of it is because of my fears, but I needed to explain to her that I've had it all turn bad enough times that I haven't been able to get past how it puts me on edge all of the time. And then I gave her an example of a mutual co-worker whose entire family has shut me out of their life because of it. I've written very briefly in passing about him on other blog posts.
She did admit that this place wasn't the best place for understanding. That is coming from someone who has lived here for over 20+ years. You would think that such a place, given its heavily touristy economy, would have a bit more diversity. But I guess there really isn't any evidence to support that.
So, that feeling where I don't know where I stand with people continues. Every day I have to find out if some new person that comes along is going to either let me live my life and wish to be part of that or they are going to instead turn around and make it needlessly difficult. Already I've got a new office mate that is proving to be problematic. And most of the time my solution is just to stay in the closet and not say anything that would clue anyone in. And in order to do that I have to keep everyone at a distance, even the people who I have gotten to know and appreciate their friendship such as my dressage instructor and the other people I ride with. Because, like I mentioned before, when that elephant came up, the friendship ended. So, I keep it all bottled up in side until I'm ready to explode.
To end a friendship over something as inane as person's innate sexuality is ridiculous. But it's understandable that it's going to happen when there are people in the world who teach homophobia like Packer, Oaks, Faust, Kimball, Bednar, Ballard, Hafen, Holland, Cook, Monson, Wickman, Clayton, McMullin, Hinckley and many others. And that's just a sampling of the Mormon leadership.
I've just got to find a way through this. I don't know what that is going to be right now but there has got to be a way. This has got to get better, right? With all of those videos going around the Internets about it getting better, there is got to be a way it's going to get better for me. So that I will be able to safely make that announcement on Facebook and not give a shit what the outcome is, even if it affects my job. I want to be able to feel safe when proudly placing that picture on my desk at work of my future Partner/Husband/Boyfriend/Sir/Master/pup/boy or whatever the hell the title(s) will be if that time ever comes, just like every other God Damned privileged heterosexual does.
I have "friended" many people from work, high school, my mission as well as from other times of my past who I know have not looked at my Facebook profile, and in a way, I'm glad. I just don't want it to be a big deal. But, I'm also screaming inside to talk about it. It's the pains of living alone and isolated. I just want to talk about it with people I know I can trust, because the rest of them just want to tell me how I need save myself by following Christ, and it's not just the Mormons that do that either.
I had lunch with a co-worker last week, who I also take dressage lessons with, and I mentioned to her my troubles with the "big elephant in the room" and the problems I had living and working out here. I wanted to talk to her about the incidences I've had with some co-workers and their incredibly insensitive and homophobic rants during some corporate social functions, which HR effectively ignored, and the bullshit, insulting, gay and trans jokes that get tossed around as if LGBT people are just another group of freaks to made fun of.
I know that simply mentioning that elephant issue made her uncomfortable so I didn't elaborate. She's one of the many people I know out here that doesn't have a problem with me being gay but at the same time, does. Still, I give her credit for trying. But because I didn't say anything, she said that my elephant problem was mostly in my head. Granted, I admitted that a large part of it is because of my fears, but I needed to explain to her that I've had it all turn bad enough times that I haven't been able to get past how it puts me on edge all of the time. And then I gave her an example of a mutual co-worker whose entire family has shut me out of their life because of it. I've written very briefly in passing about him on other blog posts.
She did admit that this place wasn't the best place for understanding. That is coming from someone who has lived here for over 20+ years. You would think that such a place, given its heavily touristy economy, would have a bit more diversity. But I guess there really isn't any evidence to support that.
So, that feeling where I don't know where I stand with people continues. Every day I have to find out if some new person that comes along is going to either let me live my life and wish to be part of that or they are going to instead turn around and make it needlessly difficult. Already I've got a new office mate that is proving to be problematic. And most of the time my solution is just to stay in the closet and not say anything that would clue anyone in. And in order to do that I have to keep everyone at a distance, even the people who I have gotten to know and appreciate their friendship such as my dressage instructor and the other people I ride with. Because, like I mentioned before, when that elephant came up, the friendship ended. So, I keep it all bottled up in side until I'm ready to explode.
To end a friendship over something as inane as person's innate sexuality is ridiculous. But it's understandable that it's going to happen when there are people in the world who teach homophobia like Packer, Oaks, Faust, Kimball, Bednar, Ballard, Hafen, Holland, Cook, Monson, Wickman, Clayton, McMullin, Hinckley and many others. And that's just a sampling of the Mormon leadership.
I've just got to find a way through this. I don't know what that is going to be right now but there has got to be a way. This has got to get better, right? With all of those videos going around the Internets about it getting better, there is got to be a way it's going to get better for me. So that I will be able to safely make that announcement on Facebook and not give a shit what the outcome is, even if it affects my job. I want to be able to feel safe when proudly placing that picture on my desk at work of my future Partner/Husband/Boyfriend/Sir/Master/pup/boy or whatever the hell the title(s) will be if that time ever comes, just like every other God Damned privileged heterosexual does.
Monday, October 4, 2010
Boyd K. Packer
The rhetoric of Boyd K. Packer this year was needlessly caustic. And while he may have never mentioned the words, "gay", "homosexual" or even the insidious phrase "same-sex-attraction", we all know what he was talking about. We all know of his utter disdain for those that don't fit into his idealistic notion of gender, patriarchy and willful ignorance of the world at large.
Boyd K. Packer is just one of many I hold responsible for the damage done to the souls of gay individuals, young and old, in and out of the church. Such damage that I still grapple with from time to time.
Boyd K. Packer is the one I personally hold responsible for the encouragement of physical violence towards gay individuals, young and old, in and out of the church. Such threats that I personally experienced and still find difficult to process. Let us NOT forget that one of Mathew Sheppard's murderers was a Mormon.
Boyd K. Packer is just one of many who, when he speaks, will incite fear, hatred and malice towards the LGBT community. The many who I hold responsible are the church members who say 'Amen' with enthusiastic unison to Packer's hostile words.
If, in some small way, I can save one soul from the anathema that is religion, Mormon or otherwise, my life will not have been a complete waste. I honestly don't know how I'm going to do that, but it's ok. At least I managed to save myself for I am one of the lucky ones who found the self-awareness to understand my responsibility. But many people aren't as fortunate, and many may never get to that point in their lives where they can learn how to repair the damage inflicted upon them, because many of them will have died by their own hand before they could get the support they desperately needed.
Mormons often wonder why those that leave the church can't leave the church alone. So they feel picked on by us angry, gay, ex/post-Mormons. But, I don't care. I am a product of that religion and culture, 40+ years in the making; it has permeated my DNA and it's not something I feel like I'm ever going to get over in my short lifetime. Besides, they are the ones who can't leave US alone. So, if the Mormon church is not willing to take responsibility for Boyd K. Packer, the damage he and many others have done and still do to the LGBT community, but instead continue to blame the victim or Satan, I'm going to continue to poke at their abhorrent hypocrisy, which could very well mean I may never leave them alone.
Boyd K. Packer is just one of many I hold responsible for the damage done to the souls of gay individuals, young and old, in and out of the church. Such damage that I still grapple with from time to time.
Boyd K. Packer is the one I personally hold responsible for the encouragement of physical violence towards gay individuals, young and old, in and out of the church. Such threats that I personally experienced and still find difficult to process. Let us NOT forget that one of Mathew Sheppard's murderers was a Mormon.
Boyd K. Packer is just one of many who, when he speaks, will incite fear, hatred and malice towards the LGBT community. The many who I hold responsible are the church members who say 'Amen' with enthusiastic unison to Packer's hostile words.
If, in some small way, I can save one soul from the anathema that is religion, Mormon or otherwise, my life will not have been a complete waste. I honestly don't know how I'm going to do that, but it's ok. At least I managed to save myself for I am one of the lucky ones who found the self-awareness to understand my responsibility. But many people aren't as fortunate, and many may never get to that point in their lives where they can learn how to repair the damage inflicted upon them, because many of them will have died by their own hand before they could get the support they desperately needed.
Mormons often wonder why those that leave the church can't leave the church alone. So they feel picked on by us angry, gay, ex/post-Mormons. But, I don't care. I am a product of that religion and culture, 40+ years in the making; it has permeated my DNA and it's not something I feel like I'm ever going to get over in my short lifetime. Besides, they are the ones who can't leave US alone. So, if the Mormon church is not willing to take responsibility for Boyd K. Packer, the damage he and many others have done and still do to the LGBT community, but instead continue to blame the victim or Satan, I'm going to continue to poke at their abhorrent hypocrisy, which could very well mean I may never leave them alone.
Friday, September 24, 2010
Demagogic Seeds
Back in 1985, I attended a Mormon fireside in one of the North Logan, Utah stakes where some music "expert" talked about how the evil music industry used reel-to-reel recorders for evil and other such nonsense, reasoning that because they had the ability to play the tape backwards, it allowed them to create or manipulate this so called "back-masking". He used several examples including the infamous Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" to prove his point. (See videos posted at USU SHAFT)
 |
| The Akai GX-4000D, one of my many tools I used for Evil. |
couldn't hear anything in it. However, before he played it again, he made sure to read to us what it was suppose to say. Then, while he was playing it, he would lip-sink to it to make sure the suggestion registered. I thought it was a stretch but many in the audience gasped in horror during the demonstration.
I lost a friend that night because I just happened to own a reel-to-reel recorder. Never mind that the model I had was incapable of reverse playback, it didn't matter, he berated me in front of everyone, then got in his car and left. He was my next door neighbor. He had driven me there; he was my only ride home. I was left to ponder his and the speaker's words with frustrations and shame on that long, cold, dark and lonely walk home. For a few months after that, he continued his efforts to embarrass and shame me in front of other peers at school and church. The bridge was burned. No matter how nice he was to me later in life, I never gave him any more of my time.
Looking back, that whole thing reminds me of something... ah yes, Alma 32:28-43, where Alma compares the word to a seed. Go ahead and read it, I'll wait. I'm not going to get into a detailed word for word analysis, instead I'm going to simply state my own cynical and biased summary of it which is: Plant that seed whatever it is, and nourish it with your own misguided beliefs, fears and prejudices, and it will grow into whatever irrational zealotry you want it to be. And no, I don't care if you believe that that is a gross misinterpretation. It doesn't really matter. As scripture, it makes as about as much sense to me as JRR Tolkien's "Lord of the Rings".
But, I digress.
That night at the fireside, the words of a religious demagogue with his fears and prejudices were planted in the mind of my former friend. The words appealed to his ego so he nourished them until they bore fruit to which he based his faith upon. The result, conflict where there never was before and would never have been at all. So, is that a good seed or a bad seed? It's hard to say because for him it was a sweet fruit, for the rest of us, it was rotten.
I think too many Mormons are oblivious to the fears and prejudices they use to nourish the word because of how easy it is to get caught up in the fears and prejudices of the people they trust. It's not hard to see such fruits in the Mormon church when it comes to pretty much anything involving homosexuality. Fear, fear and more fear.
When I got to college, I was able to escape much of that stupidity, but my fear of rejection had been amplified that night. Sadly, I still don't have it all out of my system. I still get paranoid that I'm going to be rejected for something stupid like, for instance, being gay. I really don't need to go on anymore about what those demagogic lunatics, Mormon or otherwise, have to say about homosexuality. And since I never know what new shit they are going to stir up, I'm constantly playing it safe, especially around the ultra-religious people I have to work with everyday.
Nonetheless, I get the urge to want to poke them a bit to get the rejection over with quicker rather than tip toe around all of the time. I really get tired of holding back my life to make sure someone else's life remains comfortable. I'm tired of nourishing myself with my own fears and prejudices just to protect someone else from facing theirs. I want to move on and put all these people behind me for good. But, I don't do it. I don't poke them. I'm too afraid to be alone.
Monday, September 13, 2010
sorry
Sigh.
I need to apologize for my post on Saturday. I'm still wondering if I should delete it or not. I guess it could stand as an example as to why I shouldn't write things off the cuff.
My "friend" doesn't deserve to be bad mouthed that way. Just because I had a problem with him that day, doesn't give me the right to slander his character and I wasn't being completely rational either.
The truth is, having a place to go and a person to keep me occupied, no matter how narcissistic, kept me out of my head long enough to let the suicidal feelings pass. I was at least rational enough to realize that.
But, I'm still in a dilemma.
You see, there are two issues I'm dealing with. My occasional depression with its suicidal feelings and my increased health problems with my heart, which have made the depression worsen. Neither one happens at any predictable schedule. Neither one will put me in any immediate danger. The real danger is going to be when they both hit at the same time. If that happens, I will not be willing to seek medical attention when my heart lapses in to fibrillation. And if it doesn't kick out within 24 hours, I'll be killing myself with the inevitable stroke or strokes. This scared the shit out of me. There is a chance that I can kill myself, or rather allow myself to die, if such conditions align.
This realization hit me last evening while I was out walking in the dark, on a deserted beach, many miles away from a road or any sign of life other than the birds and mosquitoes. At that point, I knew my depression had lifted because I realized that I was now in a position where if my heart went into fibrillation, I wouldn't have the strength to walk the 5 miles back to my car, passing out in the process of trying. I also wouldn't be discovered for days if at all, at which point the strokes would have killed my brain by then and my body would have been carried out to sea when the tide came in. That too, scared the shit out me. I almost started running back to my car completely freaked out because I no longer wanted to die.
I have no idea what to do about it. Depression makes me irrational and I don't realize it until after it's passed, at which point I'm glad I don't do what I had been thinking of doing while depressed because during the depression, the irrational seems completely rational.
As for being alone? I don't know what to do about that either. It's not as if I know anyone who I can share those long, isolated, no moonlight, walks on the beach with. FUCK! It's statements like that that trigger me to get depressed! God DAMMIT! fuck this shit! And fuck my life.
I need to apologize for my post on Saturday. I'm still wondering if I should delete it or not. I guess it could stand as an example as to why I shouldn't write things off the cuff.
My "friend" doesn't deserve to be bad mouthed that way. Just because I had a problem with him that day, doesn't give me the right to slander his character and I wasn't being completely rational either.
The truth is, having a place to go and a person to keep me occupied, no matter how narcissistic, kept me out of my head long enough to let the suicidal feelings pass. I was at least rational enough to realize that.
But, I'm still in a dilemma.
You see, there are two issues I'm dealing with. My occasional depression with its suicidal feelings and my increased health problems with my heart, which have made the depression worsen. Neither one happens at any predictable schedule. Neither one will put me in any immediate danger. The real danger is going to be when they both hit at the same time. If that happens, I will not be willing to seek medical attention when my heart lapses in to fibrillation. And if it doesn't kick out within 24 hours, I'll be killing myself with the inevitable stroke or strokes. This scared the shit out of me. There is a chance that I can kill myself, or rather allow myself to die, if such conditions align.
This realization hit me last evening while I was out walking in the dark, on a deserted beach, many miles away from a road or any sign of life other than the birds and mosquitoes. At that point, I knew my depression had lifted because I realized that I was now in a position where if my heart went into fibrillation, I wouldn't have the strength to walk the 5 miles back to my car, passing out in the process of trying. I also wouldn't be discovered for days if at all, at which point the strokes would have killed my brain by then and my body would have been carried out to sea when the tide came in. That too, scared the shit out me. I almost started running back to my car completely freaked out because I no longer wanted to die.
I have no idea what to do about it. Depression makes me irrational and I don't realize it until after it's passed, at which point I'm glad I don't do what I had been thinking of doing while depressed because during the depression, the irrational seems completely rational.
As for being alone? I don't know what to do about that either. It's not as if I know anyone who I can share those long, isolated, no moonlight, walks on the beach with. FUCK! It's statements like that that trigger me to get depressed! God DAMMIT! fuck this shit! And fuck my life.
Subscribe to:
Posts
(
Atom
)