Monday, September 13, 2010

sorry

Sigh.

I need to apologize for my post on Saturday.  I'm still wondering if I should delete it or not. I guess it could stand as an example as to why I shouldn't write things off the cuff.

My "friend" doesn't deserve to be bad mouthed that way.  Just because I had a problem with him that day, doesn't give me the right to slander his character and I wasn't being completely rational either.

The truth is, having a place to go and a person to keep me occupied, no matter how narcissistic, kept me out of my head long enough to let the suicidal feelings pass. I was at least rational enough to realize that.

But, I'm still in a dilemma.

You see, there are two issues I'm dealing with.  My occasional depression with its  suicidal feelings and my increased health problems with my heart, which have made the depression worsen.  Neither one happens at any predictable schedule.  Neither one will put me in any immediate danger.  The real danger is going to be when they both hit at the same time.  If that happens, I will not be willing to seek medical attention when my heart lapses in to fibrillation.  And if it doesn't kick out within 24 hours, I'll be killing myself with the inevitable stroke or strokes.  This scared the shit out of me.  There is a chance that I can kill myself, or rather allow myself to die, if such conditions align.

This realization hit me last evening while I was out walking in the dark, on a deserted beach, many miles away from a road or any sign of life other than the birds and mosquitoes.  At that point, I knew my depression had lifted because I realized that I was now in a position where if my heart went into fibrillation, I wouldn't have the strength to walk the 5 miles back to my car, passing out in the process of trying.  I also wouldn't be discovered for days if at all, at which point the strokes would have killed my brain by then and my body would have been carried out to sea when the tide came in.  That too, scared the shit out me.  I almost started running back to my car completely freaked out because I no longer wanted to die.

I have no idea what to do about it.  Depression makes me irrational and I don't realize it until after it's passed, at which point I'm glad I don't do what I had been thinking of doing while depressed because during the depression, the irrational seems completely rational.

As for being alone?  I don't know what to do about that either.  It's not as if I know anyone who I can share those long, isolated, no moonlight, walks on the beach with.  FUCK!   It's statements like that that trigger me to get depressed!  God DAMMIT!  fuck this shit!  And fuck my life.

6 comments :

  1. I think that is the scariest thing about depression is that until you start to come out of it you don't realize how low you were. You don't realize how irrational and dark the place was until you are coming out of it. Being a fellow "alone" person I know what you are talking about.

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  2. The buddy system. Years ago, I went through a period of severe suicidal depression. People noticed, but nobody was really willing to do anything. I wasn't pleasant, or nice, or fun to be around. Ultimately, it got to the point where I'd locked myself in my room (there was an attached bathroom) and refused to come out, for any reason. Food was passed in through the door. I sat in the corner, drew in my sketchbook, etc. and watched the same two movies over and over again. For months.

    Finally my best friend flew home from out of the country, and forcibly removed me from my room. He made me get up, take a shower, etc. and took me on a drive. I still remember him being like, see how nice the beautiful trees are? If it weren't for him, I'd be dead.

    My life is very different now. That was a long time ago, in more ways than one. It taught me some valuable lessons, one of which is that the buddy system works. It's like having a sponsor. Make an agreement with someone that, no matter what, if you are in trouble, no matter how disagreeable, etc you're being, you will help each other. It works in AA.

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  3. @C.J.

    The buddy can work. But what does one do when they don't have a buddy?

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  4. You don't have to answer this question if you don't want to, but are you receiving any counseling or medical care for your depression? If the depression has an organic cause, and if it is impacting your life in a destructive way, it may be time to consider seeing a doctor.

    Whatever you decide, I wish you strength and healing. Good luck on the road ahead.

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  5. Everybody has buddies. Buddies don't even have to be friends--but this is one of those times when you have more people in your life than you think, and more people willing to help you than you realize. Just ask someone, and think of it as like going to the dentist: grit your teeth and bear it.

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  6. I would like to invite you to come on over to my blog and check it out. God bless, Lloyd

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