Before I go off on a heavy handed tyrannical rant, I would just like to pre-apologize for the offenses that I will deliberately be dishing out. OK, to be honest, this is only a partial or rather fake apology. What I'm really getting down to is that this is just a preamble to some serious and offensive ranting and I'm not holding back. Why I'm even bothering to warn the reader? Why don't I just start ranting? Because I seriously don't want to hurt anyone's feelings with what I'm about to say. As I'm currently in a state of some deeply hurt feelings myself, I wouldn't wish such things one anyone else. With that being said, I'm going to start off my little rant by first inviting anyone who might be offended to seriously fuck off. I'll recap on that later.
Anyway...I just got past the holiday season.
Oh My Fucking God!
I have a love/hate relationship with this time of year. But this time around it's mostly the hate.
How did the year end and how did the new one start? It ended with a crash and a bang and bunch of other complete bullshit. It was an otherwise great year that came together in the most fucked up holiday season ever. And it's still not over yet. In fact I think I'll still have a few more months of this shit before I might be clear enough to start thinking and feeling grounded again. It's not to say I'm in a constant state of rage. I do have moments throughout the week of positivity, but it's only about 0.6% of the time. I think that equates to about an hour per week where it's just me and the equines.
I debated if I should even bother listing all the shit that has gone down since October but I don't think I will. There is just too much of it. Perhaps it would have been better had I made small blog entries for each incident as they happened. But it really came down to the fact that I'm still relatively anonymous on this blog and after considering the implications of revealing the nature of the shit that's gone down, it would seriously compromise my identity. Besides that, listing all that shit would incite a pity party. It's bad enough that I pity myself as much as I do. Getting it from others doesn't feed my ego in healthy ways. And right now the combination of all this shit going down and the affects of Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), regress me to some serious irrationality. Besides, all of the shit that's happened is actually incidental and doesn't really have any real meaning. The important question to ask is: How I've been handling it all? To which I would respond: GAH!!!
Needless to say I've got so much pent-up anger right now I could bite anyone who crosses me...until they bleed of course, and then I would let them go. I'm not a vampire and don't like the taste of blood. Don't worry. I am seeking counseling.
But for now I feel like ranting about shit that I've wanted to rant about for decades. And to make it even worse my rant is all a fucking cliché. When ranting about the so-called Holiday Season how could it not be?
When I see people walking around wishing each other "Merry Christmas" and "Happy New Year" and all that crap, I want to gag. And yet I find myself going along with it anyway so I don't come across as a complete asshole. But deep down inside I'm screaming, "Whatever!" That alone pisses me off further. It's hypocritical and I'm angry at myself for playing the game.
It's a pointless and mindless time of year where people try to act extra nice. Why now? Why not all of the time? These holidays and their dates are utterly arbitrary to me. Take New Year's Day for instance. That one is especially pointless to me. It is a week and a half after the winter solstice. To me the solstice is more like a new year than January 1. A solstice is an actual measurable physical phenomenon that can be used to mark the end and beginning of a solar cycle. January 1 is just a number on some made-up calendar. Who made up that calendar anyway? And why does that calendar say the year has to be 2010? Why not 8302 or some other number in say, base 12?
And then there is the Christmas holiday and all of that crap. Set aside the fact that December 25 is not even the actual date of the birth of the Christian religion so to speak. But that doesn't really matter. What matters is that it's the one time out of the year where all of the hypocrites can come out in droves and be EXTRA hypocritical. Personal experience has allowed me to witness many so-called Christmas holidays where Christianist behave in some of the most unchristian ways ever seen. That really doesn't bode well for celebrating the birth of their Savior™.
Another thing that doesn't bode well is that most of the modern Christmas traditions claimed by some Christianist come from the Pagans! Yeah, PAGANS! After all, to trick the Pagans into becoming Christians they had to assimilate their traditions. But don't worry; it was all done in the name of Christ. Too bad that Christians don't know who Christ really is anymore. Not that they would care anyway. And they especially wouldn't give a shit what a godless heathen such as myself would have to say about it anyway.
Sorry folks, I guess I just don't have the Christmas spirit. Well, I guess if I stick with just the hypocrite part I do have it. I get that. But the rest of it? Whatever!
Am I waging a war on Christmas? I don't think so. Christianist are doing it themselves just fine. I'm just watching them go at it while I do my own thing. Such as: no lights, no tree, no music, no shopping, no family, no handouts and no Christ. Selfish? Meh. If you want all that stuff, great! Go for it. I don't care. Just don't expect me to do it to.
God, I'm glad the holidays are over!
I guess this makes me a scrooge or a curmudgeon or something. It doesn't matter. I'm hated by one group of people or another no matter what I think, say or do. So I'm going to do my own god damned thing from now on and if you like it, join me, if not, FUCK OFF! I'm serious. I invite anyone who finds my little rant offensive to seriously fuck off. I don't mind at all. It may sound like I mind because of the seemingly harsh language but at this point I'm really not talking directly to anyone. It's more of a proverbial use of the phrase to anyone in my life who really does need to fuck off.
Postscript: It was the Christians who came up with the word 'Pagan' to call these unbelieving, polytheistic, heathen, low life, evil people. I'm proud to be called a Pagan. It's like taking back the word 'fag', which I'm am one of those as well. :) Happy Xmas! (Nov 20, 2010)
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Coming Out Atheist
Andrew over at Irresistible (Dis)Grace took me down memory lane with his post Growing up as an atheist Mormon. I started to write a comment to his post but ended up writing this post instead.
Along with coming out about BDSM and then later homosexually, I also had to come out again about my atheism. Strange thing was that it was harder to do. I had repressed it longer.
I recall a time when I was probably around 7 or 8 and started pondering the meaning of life. I remember it was nearing the time that I was to get baptized. I was always doing a lot of thinking. One summer afternoon I had an epiphany as such that whatever it was I was supposed to believe in was all crap. Unfortunately, at that age I didn't know any better and dismissed that thought. I had long discovered in my youth that it was NOT OK to have dissenting opinions about beliefs in the nature of God as I was continually made aware.
The rest of the story was just as Andrew said. Basically trying to understand why none of it was engaging or appealing. To me it was all pretty silly. And there was always that nagging feeling in me that I was always disregarding what I felt to be right. But fear compelled me to set it aside for social acceptance and try harder to understand why they "felt the spirit" and I didn't. What was this "burning in the bosom"? What was that? Ironically, I never felt that feeling until I actually started taking that path of authenticity which led me right out of the church. And now I understand what that feeling really is for me. It's a real physical sensation and is always associated with deep emotional healing. Ironic in that most of the time that "burning in the bosom", that healing, comes to me through the very things the church spends it's time and money on to demonize and condemn.
It's interesting to me that the church can be a healing place for some but complete anathema for others. A part of me resents the church for manipulating people like that. But then a part of me sees that many church members, such as my mom, seem to know where the truth stops and the dogma starts. Still, I would love for her and everyone else to be truly free of such nonsense but then, in the end, it's her truth. Who is to say I have any say over her truth or anyone else's for that matter. Just like no one else has any say over mine.
Along with coming out about BDSM and then later homosexually, I also had to come out again about my atheism. Strange thing was that it was harder to do. I had repressed it longer.
I recall a time when I was probably around 7 or 8 and started pondering the meaning of life. I remember it was nearing the time that I was to get baptized. I was always doing a lot of thinking. One summer afternoon I had an epiphany as such that whatever it was I was supposed to believe in was all crap. Unfortunately, at that age I didn't know any better and dismissed that thought. I had long discovered in my youth that it was NOT OK to have dissenting opinions about beliefs in the nature of God as I was continually made aware.
The rest of the story was just as Andrew said. Basically trying to understand why none of it was engaging or appealing. To me it was all pretty silly. And there was always that nagging feeling in me that I was always disregarding what I felt to be right. But fear compelled me to set it aside for social acceptance and try harder to understand why they "felt the spirit" and I didn't. What was this "burning in the bosom"? What was that? Ironically, I never felt that feeling until I actually started taking that path of authenticity which led me right out of the church. And now I understand what that feeling really is for me. It's a real physical sensation and is always associated with deep emotional healing. Ironic in that most of the time that "burning in the bosom", that healing, comes to me through the very things the church spends it's time and money on to demonize and condemn.
It's interesting to me that the church can be a healing place for some but complete anathema for others. A part of me resents the church for manipulating people like that. But then a part of me sees that many church members, such as my mom, seem to know where the truth stops and the dogma starts. Still, I would love for her and everyone else to be truly free of such nonsense but then, in the end, it's her truth. Who is to say I have any say over her truth or anyone else's for that matter. Just like no one else has any say over mine.
Saturday, December 12, 2009
My Life As an Enabler
I have been for awhile kicking around the idea of writing an article concerning codependency and the Mormon Church. Not just the relationships with the people in the church but the relationship with the institution itself.
Well, Hypatia, over at Seeking Desideratum, essentially beat me to it and brilliantly as well in her article: Religion and Codependency.
I don't really have anything to add.
Thank you, Hypatia.
Well, Hypatia, over at Seeking Desideratum, essentially beat me to it and brilliantly as well in her article: Religion and Codependency.
I don't really have anything to add.
Thank you, Hypatia.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Wanna fight?!
For the past several months I've been in one of those moods where I feel like picking a fight with Mormons again. I get really fed up with the stupidity and I just want to make a point of telling people they are being hypocritical.
I used to be on a mailing list with several friends. The list was intended as a social community to stay in touch. On occasion politics would get brought up and create heated debates filling my inbox with 30 page email posts. I despise politics. I have a hard time doing nothing more with it than mocking it. Equal opportunity left and right so I didn't read most of it. Just skimmed for key words to get the gist of what they were saying. Unfortunately I found that on a few instances a few of them managed to find a way to offend me when they took whole classes of people and demonized them for a political point. The first of which was right after hurricane Katrina. The next one was last year when one expressed his outrage that our government was endorsing immoral and perverted sexual behavior in referring directly to gay marriage. The comment was out of the blue because the discussion was about the economic bailout prompted by some article on a Mormon blog that happen to mention that gay rights were an example of corrupt government. ( It seems that no matter the topic many Mormons will find a way to make it about "Teh Gays".)
For the most part I just stay quiet. And I eventually left the group as I didn't want to be tempted to spew a bunch of angry words as I made the mistake of doing a few times in the past. I'm still friends with most of the people from that list on Facebook, just not the ones who made those remarks.
But here is my problem. On occasion they continue to throw out their view of life and take for granted that they think they are "preaching to the choir". Every so often they express their disgust for the declining morals of society and then go on to list what they are. They always seem to include homosexuality as that is one of the many things in the Mormon church's handbook of things that destroy societies. It's those people I want to pick the fight with. And sometimes all I have to do is post something on Facebook that disagrees with the church and wait for the arguments to start. It's as if all I really want to do is state my piece and let them make a fool of themselves as they state theirs. So, which choir do I think I'm preaching to?
I hope that those people will take me off their friends list rather than just "hide" or ignore me. That's all I really want. I feel like I'm walking around amongst people who despise me but rather than be honest and tell me up front, they do it behind my back. But after they remove me then I can hate them for it. I never said I wasn't a hypocrite. I just want them to see where they are one too. And those that stay with me I would hope that they learned something of the whole discussion and got some perspective. I hope I get some perspective too.
I've been cranking in my mind how there could be a connection between the people who so strongly believe their religion and those that see religion as a form of mental illness. And that's just it. If we do see it as a mental illness then the correct way of dealing with it is clinical. Meaning that we must employ the skills of a psychologist.
It's like the time I realized a solution to the rocky relationship with my dad. I had for years been expecting a 60+ year old man to have the maturity of a 60+ year old man. But when I realized I had to handle him with the skill and patience the same way one would with a deeply troubled 5 year old child, things started working out and our relationships improved dramatically.
Unfortunately most of us, including me, don't have the patience and skills to deal with the insanity that is religion despite having dug out of that hole myself. So we end up fighting with the insane. Lose-Lose!
*Sigh*
And here I am, trying to pick a fight with insanity.
I used to be on a mailing list with several friends. The list was intended as a social community to stay in touch. On occasion politics would get brought up and create heated debates filling my inbox with 30 page email posts. I despise politics. I have a hard time doing nothing more with it than mocking it. Equal opportunity left and right so I didn't read most of it. Just skimmed for key words to get the gist of what they were saying. Unfortunately I found that on a few instances a few of them managed to find a way to offend me when they took whole classes of people and demonized them for a political point. The first of which was right after hurricane Katrina. The next one was last year when one expressed his outrage that our government was endorsing immoral and perverted sexual behavior in referring directly to gay marriage. The comment was out of the blue because the discussion was about the economic bailout prompted by some article on a Mormon blog that happen to mention that gay rights were an example of corrupt government. ( It seems that no matter the topic many Mormons will find a way to make it about "Teh Gays".)
For the most part I just stay quiet. And I eventually left the group as I didn't want to be tempted to spew a bunch of angry words as I made the mistake of doing a few times in the past. I'm still friends with most of the people from that list on Facebook, just not the ones who made those remarks.
But here is my problem. On occasion they continue to throw out their view of life and take for granted that they think they are "preaching to the choir". Every so often they express their disgust for the declining morals of society and then go on to list what they are. They always seem to include homosexuality as that is one of the many things in the Mormon church's handbook of things that destroy societies. It's those people I want to pick the fight with. And sometimes all I have to do is post something on Facebook that disagrees with the church and wait for the arguments to start. It's as if all I really want to do is state my piece and let them make a fool of themselves as they state theirs. So, which choir do I think I'm preaching to?
I hope that those people will take me off their friends list rather than just "hide" or ignore me. That's all I really want. I feel like I'm walking around amongst people who despise me but rather than be honest and tell me up front, they do it behind my back. But after they remove me then I can hate them for it. I never said I wasn't a hypocrite. I just want them to see where they are one too. And those that stay with me I would hope that they learned something of the whole discussion and got some perspective. I hope I get some perspective too.
I've been cranking in my mind how there could be a connection between the people who so strongly believe their religion and those that see religion as a form of mental illness. And that's just it. If we do see it as a mental illness then the correct way of dealing with it is clinical. Meaning that we must employ the skills of a psychologist.
It's like the time I realized a solution to the rocky relationship with my dad. I had for years been expecting a 60+ year old man to have the maturity of a 60+ year old man. But when I realized I had to handle him with the skill and patience the same way one would with a deeply troubled 5 year old child, things started working out and our relationships improved dramatically.
Unfortunately most of us, including me, don't have the patience and skills to deal with the insanity that is religion despite having dug out of that hole myself. So we end up fighting with the insane. Lose-Lose!
*Sigh*
And here I am, trying to pick a fight with insanity.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Comeuppance
We got a new employee the other day. She is transgender. It's our first one and a first for most of the people who work here. Hell, I think it's a first for the entire fucking region! So, the buzz around the office has been, "Have you SEEN 'HER'!"
I completely respect transgender people and I will defend them. I don't need to fully understand the nature of what it's like to be transgender to respect and honor someone who is. Because I'm out to some of my co-workers, some of them will come up to me and ask me about it assuming I know anything about it or actually understand it. Most of the time people are just confusing sexual orientation with gender identity. But I'm not an expert and I tell them the truth, "I don't fully understand it but here is what I know from a clinical perspective...etc."
But, I was really holding out for the inevitable to happen. The gay/trans jokes. It's bad enough working in a cultural environment that is sexist and homophobic but this? It was just too much for most people to keep their stupid mouths shut.
So, one day, there we were, me and two of my co-workers, who I'm out to, where all doing some work together when a third co-worker came in to help. But, for reasons only known to him, probably because the buzz is still fresh on everyone's mind, he just randomly tells a very rude gay/transgender joke. One co-worker, she feigned not to get it. The other co-worker, he just stared in shock. Me, I just turned and went back to what I was doing as the joke teller, seeing that no one laughed, tried to explain it, digging himself in deeper. Shortly after which he seemed to appear embarrassed and left the room. I didn't bother saying anything to him. I was going to get my revenge later.
I friended him on Facebook.
He avoids eye contact with me now.
I completely respect transgender people and I will defend them. I don't need to fully understand the nature of what it's like to be transgender to respect and honor someone who is. Because I'm out to some of my co-workers, some of them will come up to me and ask me about it assuming I know anything about it or actually understand it. Most of the time people are just confusing sexual orientation with gender identity. But I'm not an expert and I tell them the truth, "I don't fully understand it but here is what I know from a clinical perspective...etc."
But, I was really holding out for the inevitable to happen. The gay/trans jokes. It's bad enough working in a cultural environment that is sexist and homophobic but this? It was just too much for most people to keep their stupid mouths shut.
So, one day, there we were, me and two of my co-workers, who I'm out to, where all doing some work together when a third co-worker came in to help. But, for reasons only known to him, probably because the buzz is still fresh on everyone's mind, he just randomly tells a very rude gay/transgender joke. One co-worker, she feigned not to get it. The other co-worker, he just stared in shock. Me, I just turned and went back to what I was doing as the joke teller, seeing that no one laughed, tried to explain it, digging himself in deeper. Shortly after which he seemed to appear embarrassed and left the room. I didn't bother saying anything to him. I was going to get my revenge later.
I friended him on Facebook.
He avoids eye contact with me now.
Friday, October 9, 2009
Unlovable
As much as my life has gotten a million times better I still, for whatever reason, find that I dance on that edge of suicide from time to time. As I am doing now. What were the triggers this time?
People and friends, who I thought were friends, turning their backs on me, pushing me aside like I'm nothing. My existence is somehow anathema to them. This too shall pass, but when? Will I have any friends left? And what is a friend anyway? Loneliness is terrifying!
Ever since LDS conference I've been feeling the cold shoulder from people. No doubt because of the talk by Oaks in which he tries to expound on all the conditions that must be met before God can give unconditional love. Is that the Mormon God or Oaks's God? It is one in the same, as Oaks speaks for the Mormon God. I don't believe in that God. I don't care if an imaginary being loves me or not. But they do. So they can't love me because I don't meet the conditions that their God requires. Who are these people?
People and friends, who I thought were friends, turning their backs on me, pushing me aside like I'm nothing. My existence is somehow anathema to them. This too shall pass, but when? Will I have any friends left? And what is a friend anyway? Loneliness is terrifying!
Ever since LDS conference I've been feeling the cold shoulder from people. No doubt because of the talk by Oaks in which he tries to expound on all the conditions that must be met before God can give unconditional love. Is that the Mormon God or Oaks's God? It is one in the same, as Oaks speaks for the Mormon God. I don't believe in that God. I don't care if an imaginary being loves me or not. But they do. So they can't love me because I don't meet the conditions that their God requires. Who are these people?
Sunday, October 4, 2009
I am a Queer Spirit
Well it's been a few weeks since the Queer Spirit Retreat out in Utah and I've just now had a chance to take a moment and decompress the jumble of thoughts in my head.
The retreat was an amazingly positive experience for me and completely opposite of what the LDS religion could ever offer. And in a sense, because it was in September, it marked the two year reunion of my personal crisis that led me down the road of confusion, despair, apostasy, awakening, renewal, joy and peace. Now, two years later, it marks the beginning of a new and happier chapter of my life.
I'm rather amazed at just how little drama my life has anymore. It used to be that so much of my life, every little detail, every little thought, decision, action, expectation, and desire was weighted down with anxiety. Because every little thing had to be scrutinized for its value good or bad, I had to have certainty where something was going to lead me, heaven or hell, and most of the time I just couldn't get it. No longer do I feel the need to do that anymore. Now every so often when I meditate on my life, I amaze myself at just how uncomplicated it all really is when we let go of the things that we have no control over. Letting go. Letting go of beliefs that do not work for us. Letting go of needing to be right. Letting go of ego. And in letting go, what is left is pure authenticity. Honesty.
Oh, the lies we tell and believe. I look back at my life and see the trend as I was spiraling down to my own personal depths of becoming homophobic and how I didn't recognize the irrationality. My world view and personal identity was defined by lies. And those lies covered the pain. My ego was in control of my life, protecting me with lies. The ego is stupid. It doesn't know what a lie is but it wants to protect it no matter what. The ego can't know if what it's protecting is causing more harm. It just protects it with whatever we give it. And what I always gave it were lies.
When I came out to myself and finally accepted my sexuality, I found myself craving absolute honesty. I was no longer going to deceive myself or other people to protect my beliefs or theirs. And if the truth hurt, the honesty hurt, I knew I had to let go of my ego.
When I think about what it takes to be honest I still find myself struggling with it. Growing up in a religious culture that required me to deny the reality of my surroundings so that it would conform to a belief, a lie, has given me this horrible, habitual, dishonest, thinking pattern that I fight with all of the time. So many things where never to be thought, spoken, or acted upon. It all builds up and permeates other aspects of life.
We have to hide our fears and pretend to be happy. We don't want people to think the religion is making us depressed. We don't want to make the church look bad. We certainly don't want to admit to ourselves that we have compromised the things we know to be true so that we can belong to the "one true religion" in order to receive all the blessings from a god that we hope exists. We even convince ourselves that we know that "He" really does exist. Lie after lie after lie. After awhile I didn't know what was true anymore. I didn't even understand how I really felt about things. I couldn't at any moment in my life make a decision without consulting an authority. My thinking was done for me. And yet my life was in shambles.
The world terrified me. Meeting new people terrified me. I would have so much anxiety I could never look at anyone. I could never actually speak honestly. I was so ashamed of myself that I would lie or divert attention to someone else just so people wouldn't pay attention to me. I judged people. The judgments were all lies I told to myself. All lies I believed. It all lead to my own personal crisis two years ago in September where my entire world turned upside down and I spent months dancing on the edge of suicide.
But I finally came to some closure early Saturday morning at the retreat as I noticed two individuals off in the distance standing on the stairway to the upper floor of the 2nd ranch house as I waited to watch the sunrise. I knew they saw me. But I didn't have the courage to talk to them. I still wasn't quite free of my judgmental thinking and how it had ruled my life to the point of mental breakdown. Always judging people by what I think they would be thinking about me, always afraid that they would hate me for my sexuality, queerness and just general social awkwardness. Again, all lies.
But I knew their story from the night before and I was in empathy with them. I had only faced early death as a choice. They were facing it as an inevitability. I had no right to judge anyone, especially myself. Still, that morning, I just stood there for about an hour and cried. Mostly to mourn the loss of my old life, the life that I wanted but never had or will ever have. But in the end, whether I talked to them or not, just their mere presence that morning was a major healing experience for me. And had I spoken to them that day I would have known that they would reciprocate that empathy.
After all these years, looking for my place in the world I didn't realize that I didn't need to leave Utah to find it. Well, actually, I DID need to leave Utah to discover that I didn't need to leave Utah. My community wasn't where I was located; it was the people with whom I associate with. But I was always waiting for someone to come knocking at my door to invite me. Ironically when they did I would judge them too harshly and push them away. I've gotten to that point now where I realize that if I don't go knocking I will never know what it's like to live. And if I'm going to accept someone else's effort to reach out to me I must be able to reach back and be ready to do it blindly. But most importantly, I have to stop judging people. I will never know what others are truly thinking about me anyway and in the end it doesn't matter what they think.
Two years ago I would never have even thought about doing something like this retreat. But here I am. It's really strange to admit this, but after 40 years on this planet, I finally feel like I've grown up a little.
The retreat was an amazingly positive experience for me and completely opposite of what the LDS religion could ever offer. And in a sense, because it was in September, it marked the two year reunion of my personal crisis that led me down the road of confusion, despair, apostasy, awakening, renewal, joy and peace. Now, two years later, it marks the beginning of a new and happier chapter of my life.
I'm rather amazed at just how little drama my life has anymore. It used to be that so much of my life, every little detail, every little thought, decision, action, expectation, and desire was weighted down with anxiety. Because every little thing had to be scrutinized for its value good or bad, I had to have certainty where something was going to lead me, heaven or hell, and most of the time I just couldn't get it. No longer do I feel the need to do that anymore. Now every so often when I meditate on my life, I amaze myself at just how uncomplicated it all really is when we let go of the things that we have no control over. Letting go. Letting go of beliefs that do not work for us. Letting go of needing to be right. Letting go of ego. And in letting go, what is left is pure authenticity. Honesty.
Oh, the lies we tell and believe. I look back at my life and see the trend as I was spiraling down to my own personal depths of becoming homophobic and how I didn't recognize the irrationality. My world view and personal identity was defined by lies. And those lies covered the pain. My ego was in control of my life, protecting me with lies. The ego is stupid. It doesn't know what a lie is but it wants to protect it no matter what. The ego can't know if what it's protecting is causing more harm. It just protects it with whatever we give it. And what I always gave it were lies.
When I came out to myself and finally accepted my sexuality, I found myself craving absolute honesty. I was no longer going to deceive myself or other people to protect my beliefs or theirs. And if the truth hurt, the honesty hurt, I knew I had to let go of my ego.
When I think about what it takes to be honest I still find myself struggling with it. Growing up in a religious culture that required me to deny the reality of my surroundings so that it would conform to a belief, a lie, has given me this horrible, habitual, dishonest, thinking pattern that I fight with all of the time. So many things where never to be thought, spoken, or acted upon. It all builds up and permeates other aspects of life.
We have to hide our fears and pretend to be happy. We don't want people to think the religion is making us depressed. We don't want to make the church look bad. We certainly don't want to admit to ourselves that we have compromised the things we know to be true so that we can belong to the "one true religion" in order to receive all the blessings from a god that we hope exists. We even convince ourselves that we know that "He" really does exist. Lie after lie after lie. After awhile I didn't know what was true anymore. I didn't even understand how I really felt about things. I couldn't at any moment in my life make a decision without consulting an authority. My thinking was done for me. And yet my life was in shambles.
The world terrified me. Meeting new people terrified me. I would have so much anxiety I could never look at anyone. I could never actually speak honestly. I was so ashamed of myself that I would lie or divert attention to someone else just so people wouldn't pay attention to me. I judged people. The judgments were all lies I told to myself. All lies I believed. It all lead to my own personal crisis two years ago in September where my entire world turned upside down and I spent months dancing on the edge of suicide.
But I finally came to some closure early Saturday morning at the retreat as I noticed two individuals off in the distance standing on the stairway to the upper floor of the 2nd ranch house as I waited to watch the sunrise. I knew they saw me. But I didn't have the courage to talk to them. I still wasn't quite free of my judgmental thinking and how it had ruled my life to the point of mental breakdown. Always judging people by what I think they would be thinking about me, always afraid that they would hate me for my sexuality, queerness and just general social awkwardness. Again, all lies.
But I knew their story from the night before and I was in empathy with them. I had only faced early death as a choice. They were facing it as an inevitability. I had no right to judge anyone, especially myself. Still, that morning, I just stood there for about an hour and cried. Mostly to mourn the loss of my old life, the life that I wanted but never had or will ever have. But in the end, whether I talked to them or not, just their mere presence that morning was a major healing experience for me. And had I spoken to them that day I would have known that they would reciprocate that empathy.
After all these years, looking for my place in the world I didn't realize that I didn't need to leave Utah to find it. Well, actually, I DID need to leave Utah to discover that I didn't need to leave Utah. My community wasn't where I was located; it was the people with whom I associate with. But I was always waiting for someone to come knocking at my door to invite me. Ironically when they did I would judge them too harshly and push them away. I've gotten to that point now where I realize that if I don't go knocking I will never know what it's like to live. And if I'm going to accept someone else's effort to reach out to me I must be able to reach back and be ready to do it blindly. But most importantly, I have to stop judging people. I will never know what others are truly thinking about me anyway and in the end it doesn't matter what they think.
Two years ago I would never have even thought about doing something like this retreat. But here I am. It's really strange to admit this, but after 40 years on this planet, I finally feel like I've grown up a little.
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