As much as my life has gotten a million times better I still, for whatever reason, find that I dance on that edge of suicide from time to time. As I am doing now. What were the triggers this time?
People and friends, who I thought were friends, turning their backs on me, pushing me aside like I'm nothing. My existence is somehow anathema to them. This too shall pass, but when? Will I have any friends left? And what is a friend anyway? Loneliness is terrifying!
Ever since LDS conference I've been feeling the cold shoulder from people. No doubt because of the talk by Oaks in which he tries to expound on all the conditions that must be met before God can give unconditional love. Is that the Mormon God or Oaks's God? It is one in the same, as Oaks speaks for the Mormon God. I don't believe in that God. I don't care if an imaginary being loves me or not. But they do. So they can't love me because I don't meet the conditions that their God requires. Who are these people?
I am an occasional visitor to that edge also. For that reason, I try not to listen to or pay any attention to LDS conference, with mixed success.
ReplyDeleteFor me, the perfect antidote was to align myself with less judgmental people. I attend a LGBT affirming church where being queer is the norm. It has helped me a lot to get over the self loathing.
I too saw a good chunk of General Conference after others started talking about it. I also saw the "bring them from the plains" on youtube the same evening. I was so upset and angry that I told my very active dad what I felt about it. Not something I would do lightly. But I had to tell someone and say "is this really what you want to believe in?"
ReplyDeleteI think most of us don't believe in that God. But that is often the God Mormonism follows because with out fear and judgment there is no control and "order" in the church.
I would guess many of us have been on the edge of that cliff and most likely more than once. Sometime we find ourselves already in the free fall of leaning forward right as someone else comes along and pulls us back.
For those that still believe that Mormonism is the only way back to God (if God does exist to play devils advocate) there really aren't many choices. For me it was to suffer in the church or try to find happiness outside of the Prozac laden walls. I chose life and happiness in this life.
It is clear in the New Testament that God is first loving - it was the first and greatest commandment Christ gave. Unfortunately good Mormons do as they are told without question. But I think thats why there are gay people in the world... To teach and remind the world how to love those that are not like yourself.
I think the secret is to have diverse friends from all walks of life and all faiths. Then at least one can be on equal footing and not buried by a culture that suggests it has all the answers.
The sun will come out from behind the clouds for you at some point.
You are not alone, my friend. I've also walked that edge.
ReplyDeleteLife is a difficult proposition in the very best of circumstances. And being gay in Mormon culture is most definitely NOT the best of circumstances. We've peered over that cliff. Just make sure that all you do is look my friend.
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