Some days I wish I could just hit the reset button on my life. Just fucking start over with a clean slate and do things differently. Not so much by going back in time but more getting up and leaving it all behind, go someplace where no one knows me, and start my life off with how I want it to be.
No expectations or surprises at how I've "changed". No one trying to get me to revert to doing things the way I used to, or rather doing things the way they are all used to seeing me do.
I get to dress the way I want, I get to drink what I want, I get the live the way I want, and no one will ever know I have "changed". No one will ever care. They will take me at face value and accept that package they get.
But no, that's not how it works. I have to, in effect, be a nasty, evil, rebellious, bastard and hurt everyone's feelings.
God, I fucking hate this.
I get where you say "nasty, evil, rebellious, bastard and hurt everyone's feelings."
ReplyDeleteMy guess is that you are far from being nasty or evil. I was so worried about hurting other people's feelings that I forgot to worry about my own. With some help, I finally decided to let other people be responsible for their own feelings. As a wise man once told me "What other people think about me is none of my business."
Have you considered moving? Sometimes it's good to get away from people who "knew you when". It's very liberating, meeting people who only know you as the you you present.
ReplyDelete@Daddy Bear, Thanks for the comment. I have to keep reminding myself that almost every day. But sometimes those other people are in professional positions that can make my life more difficult than it needs to be. I'm not sure how to approach it right now other than just get up and leave. But, that leads me to the next problem...
ReplyDelete@C.J. Sweety, I've been considering moving for the last 5 years but haven't been able to find alternate employment.
Regarding alternate employment, finding a new job can be difficult in this economy. If you can find a new position, though, I think a change of scenery would do wonders.
ReplyDelete@Ahab, It's been very difficult for me long before the economy when sour.
ReplyDeleteSometimes, you have to just up and go. There's a big difference between employment, and ideal employment. Ultimately, it might be worth getting a job at Target, or Starbucks, and looking for a new, more thrilling job from your new home base.
ReplyDelete@C.J., Not if I loose my heath insurance.
ReplyDeleteI hear this. I keep debating on if the friendships I had when people knew me three years ago are worth keeping now. It's really hard. I feel you!
ReplyDeleteI feel much the same way. when i started on my journey to heal from abuse, i thought healing would look like me being kinder, more agreeable, more active in my church, you know... a better person.
ReplyDeleteInstead, i have learned i am important. i take care of me. i say no sometimes, and i sure don't sacrifice myself to the Mormon god...
Its hard, and I still can't imagine going back to who i was... even if everyone in my world hates me...