I used to think that apostasy was a bad thing. In the Mormon faith, the word gets thrown around as if it's equivalent to committing murder. I think few Mormons have ever considered that the word exists outside of a religious context. For instance, to no longer believe in the Tooth Fairy or Santa Clause is an apostasy. To change a political party is also an apostasy. As we mature socially and spiritually, apostasy of any old idea or belief that no longer works is required in order to progress.
Ironically, the Mormon church asks, if not requires, people of other religions and cultures to apostatize from them in order to join the ranks of the Mormons. Of course they don't see that as apostasy because they believe apostates are only people who reject the "one true gospel". So they are quick to belabor the idea that apostasy from the Mormon church is the only true apostasy and thus, A Very Bad Thing.
That is, sad to say, rather cult-like behavior.
Having been born into the Mormon church in the stronghold of the Mormon theocratic society that is Utah, I found myself struggling almost daily to break free of the guilt as a result of my diverging belief system. The cultural pressure was intense. But the uncertainty of the outside world seemed unbearable. The perceived safety of the community was appealing and it gave me a sense of purpose and certainty in an otherwise frightening and uncertain world. Yet, I knew there was more to this world than what I was allowed to experience. The group-think patterns could give me reprieve from the perceived on-slot of the enemy's attacks on us "righteous" folks, but at the same time I felt oddly condemned for my desire to see things from the other side.
We Mormons can be a highly suspicious and judgmental people, and more often than not, only see others in terms of black or white, good or bad, friend or foe, us vs. them. There is no concept at all of moral relativity; no genuine comprehension of the diversity of personal experience. There is no true empathy. Ironically, as missionaries, we were taught empathy as a tool to persuade people into joining the church. But it was taught as a simple language mechanic in order to form the right string of words to fit a situation. These exercises only manifested in superficiality that tricked and manipulated people into believing they were being understood. True empathy never existed. The moment I had true empathy for someone, the last thing I wanted to do was teach them about the Mormon religion.
As Mormons we believe in a personal spiritual guide, "The Holy Ghost". An external spirit-person who's companionship is gifted to us by the "laying on of hands" by priesthood authority upon our acceptance of the "one true religion". This "constant companion" is our spiritual connection to the "other side of the veil", a special gift that we can call upon for direction and guidance when we face challenges and uncertainty.
All too often, as a Mormon, I couldn't trust that "spirit" to lead me where I needed to go in order to maintain my status as an upstanding Mormon. I didn't understand the promptings, they didn't make sense. They were so often in contrast to what I was being taught in church. I feared that I was not able to be in tune with the "true spirit" so, instead, I developed a dependence on what I believed to be our infallible, ecclesiastical authorities for guidance. Even so, their guidance often conflicted with what that "spirit" was telling me also. Still, I followed through, I obeyed, as they instructed; after all, they wouldn't be where there were if they didn't have the "true spirit", right?
More and more, every day, I could see that it was making my life more difficult and miserable, but I was able to maintain that acceptance in the Mormon community; up until my sanity hit its breaking point. It wasn't working for me anymore. I needed to move on. At that moment of announcing my departure, I became the enemy to be feared -- the bad, the foe, the "them". It was heartbreaking. I wanted so much to follow that "spirit" but I couldn't do it as a Mormon. I had to leave. I had to let go of the notion of a certain future for a life of pure uncertainty. It was freighting as hell but the "spirit" was telling me I had nothing to fear. Still it would be nearly a year before I wrote that letter to resign.
I was warned by my ecclesiastical authorities that my departure meant that I would lose that gift of the "spirit" and that it was never too late to repent and come back. FEAR! Yet, at the same time, that "spirit" was telling me that they were all full of shit. And it turned out to be correct. That "spirit" grew stronger instead. It seemed to be more in tune with what was behind that uncertainty than ever before. All I had to do was embrace it, trust it and listen. All the things I was always afraid of doing.
And so it goes, I've learned to listen to that "spirit", have trust in the present moment, and embrace the uncertainty. And I've discovered a wonderful joy that comes from jumping headfirst into uncertainty. It's not something to be feared. It's to be celebrated. Still, uncertainty continues to be a scary place sometimes but it's no longer a fear that dictates my life. It's really just undefined possibilities in which I have the power to take control. My personal spirituality is now motivated by the wonder of uncertainty. Too much of what motivates Mormon "spirituality" is the fear of uncertainty. From my experience, "spiritual" guidance attained through fear is just more fear.
It's quite possible I will carry that Mormon baggage with me for the rest of my life. It's not a conscious decision to retain it; it's just the way the mind works. My experiences in that world shaped my thinking in ways that I may never recognize or understand. There is no sense trying to predict what they are and if they might result in something detrimental. Some of those experiences also gave me some perspectives that I'm thankful I have. There is no use discarding all of it just because it was rooted in a fraudulent belief system. When I'm faced with situations that affront my personal experiences, I can assess their value then. In the mean time I'm quite satisfied with the uncertainty of not knowing.
Years ago when people told me of their experience of heightened spiritually upon leaving the Mormon faith, I thought they were lying, trying to deceive. FEAR! But, when I let go of that fear, I discovered a HUGE world outside the Mormon church that is vastly more spiritually inclusive and satisfying than I could have ever imagined. I can now empathize with them. I understand what they mean. I've experienced it firsthand. Now my empathy has extended outward more so than ever before on a grand scale. I now have a grasp of just how connected we are as a human race. There is no "us vs. them". That's a lie. We are all in this together, trying to figure this life out. Some think they have the answers but don't. Others have the answers and may not know it. Many may not even be looking for answers where as others spend their life in pursuit of them. In all, we are just running around, hitting and shoving and bumping in to each other like children on a playground, trying to cope with our own uncertainty of who and what we are.
As for my current Apostasy, I no longer believe that I or anyone was ever gifted with a companionship of any such external "spirit" from any "laying on of hands" by ecclesiastical authorities. I believe that such spiritual guidance already exists within us, part of our subconscious. I don't know what it is or if it matters that I know what it is. I do know that it's ours. Call it intuition, instinct, gut feeling, a hunch; no one can gift it and no one can take it away. It's for us alone to follow, interpret and understand in our moments of uncertainty. It's our personal identity and it cannot be given a name. It's our truth and it just is.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Monday, June 29, 2009
Christ would never be a Mormon
An interesting little thing popped up on the internet earlier this month. It's a response from the Christian Anti-Defamation Commission (CADC) regarding the results of a survey conducted by the Gallop Poll on the public's view of gay marriage: "Are You Safe? How Moral Corruption Can Be Prevented"
I wonder why that poll or its results would be something that the CADC would bother with. It wasn't attacking or defaming any Christians. I guess for Christianists, just placing the word 'gay' next to the word 'marriage' is provocation enough to be considered an attack.
As expected, the little CADC's article was quickly addressed on many other blogging sights that I follow. My favorite addressed the CADC's misuse of the bible: "Don't be deceived by teh gays!!"
That crap in the CADC's article and what I endured in Mormon Sunday school every week, up until I resigned last winter, is essentially the same damned thing. It's interesting that even though the Mormons have fundamentally different doctrines and ways of interpreting the bible, they will come up with the exact same un-Christian like ideas that the evangelical fundamentalists have, but still claim to be the only source of truth.
No matter how soft the Mormons' think their rhetoric on homosexuality as become, it will never undo the hell-fire-damnation-pulpit-pounding of decades past. The religious culture is too ingrained. Frankly, I believe the new "softer" rhetoric from the church is just a rebranding of the same old shit from the past, making it much worse. For hell's sakes, they refuse to acknowledge the clinical word 'homosexual' and instead prefer the term 'same-gender attraction (SGA)'! It's usually paired with the word 'problem' or 'struggle' or 'suffer' and equated to a handicap or a drug and alcohol addiction. There is no concept of self-acceptance in the gospel if you're gay. Those with SGA are not to accept that part of themselves. It is to be hidden deep down inside and NEVER TALKED ABOUT, EVER! Doing otherwise would lead to temptation, sin and eternal damnation. So, no matter what they say, being gay is a stigma, a stigma that will always be to your condemnation in the church.
It's a typical example of spiritual manipulation and abuse. Invent a moral dilemma and then promise salvation from it. For some it results in an extreme loyalty to the church and its gospel, for others, severe depression, schizophrenia and suicide.
Mormons are not bad people. There is no such thing as bad people. They are good people who are motivated by fear to do what they think is right. Sometimes what they do is actually bad but believe it's for the greater good. It's in God's hands. His will be done. And often, as seen in the bible, God's will was death and destruction. To give oneself over to an "authority" is noble to them. But it's also justification for absolving oneself of personal responsibility when dishing out what they believe to be God's judgment. It's not just Mormons. Insert any fanatical belief system that motivates adherence through fear. Bad things start to happen.
We homos are just another thing in the Mormon bucket of things to fear. But, again, this is more about a culture that stems from people who, out of fear, isolate themselves and paint their own version of reality to immune themselves from new and threatening information. A culture so ignorant and anathema to sanity, it's no wonder why suicide rates are high amongst the Mormons.
During my time growing up as a confused Gayish-Mormon-Boi in Utah, all I understood about the outside world came from television and movies. I was an overly sensitive and highly impressionable kid and took it all at face value. I didn't know what was going on "in between the lines" so to speak. But thanks to my loving, authoritarian, dogmatic, ecclesiastical authority figures, the "truth" of it was all explained to me on a weekly basis in lurid and sometimes disturbing detail. Was any of it true? No, but I wouldn't find out for another 20 odd years.
That steady stream of misinformation and demonization from those trusted "authorities" had really twisted my ability to correctly perceive people. (Hell, I could probably write a whole book on misperception.) So naturally, I developed an unhealthy fear of people, especially the gay ones, which is why I'm going to be in therapy for awhile.
The cultural climate was essentially that most non-Mormons were evil and did nothing all day but do the evil doing. We Mormons were, at all costs, to stay clear of anyone that does do the evil doing. Especially if they looked like they might possibly be a doer of evil, as even the appearance of evil must be avoided. And we needed to be extra vigilant as Mormons because evil doers often presented themselves with a pleasant and friendly appearance to deceive us so they could corrupt us in subtly enticing ways.
Now, just imagine for a moment waking up one morning and realizing that you might be gay, thus automatically making you evil. Hey, that's what the "authorities" warned me would happen if I ever felt the evil gayness inside of me. And the "authorities" spared no expense to proclaim, with their absolute God given authority, all the different evil doings that that the evil gay evil doers would do. They told us in detail what these gays looked and acted like, and about all the horrendous, deprived, evil, activities they engaged in and committed on unsuspecting adults and children. And now, I somehow become one of them, either by committing an evil gay act on myself or allowing some evil gay to act his evil gay acts on me. One particular "authority" also made it clear that it was my own fault if I didn't violently protect myself.
Now, I was never sexually molested but, because an "authority" said so, I used to believe that my gayness was because I was molested as a small child. And because I believed that I was molested -- albeit lost in some repressed memory I'm sure -- I believed that I would become a molester. After all, according to the "authorities", I was "molesting" myself all the time whenever I masturbated. It was only a matter of time, given the opportunity, before I would be tempted to pass it along. I was so scared of having my life ruined by even an accusation of molestation that I went out of my way to avoid children for decades.
Well, the next stage was the inevitable isolation, loneliness, repression, depression and suicidal longings. The "authorities" also were quick to teach that all that misery was because of my depraved self-molestation and evil thoughts of doing the evil gay doings. To them it was God's way of helping us understand what we were doing wrong so we could repent. What more could you want for a 13 year old kid than to ensure he understands his guilt so that he can repent?
Moral dilemma!
Now the "authorities" begin to school me on the ways of "righteousness" so that I would be free of the evil gayness. Making sure I paid my tithing was number one priority. Tithing didn't bother me; I didn't have any money so it didn't apply. The rest of it was all just simplistic promises and lip service. Be vigilant in controlling all "bad" thoughts. Pray to God like you really mean it, because if you REALLY mean it you will be "cured". If you weren't cured, then you were being selfish.
I guess I was a selfish pervert who didn't mean it because it never went away. More guilt. More, isolation. More, repression, depression and suicidal thoughts. And I mustn't forget that there were a few "authorities" back then who instructed that suicide was an instant go-to-hell card. Do not pass redemption, do not collect salvation. So, more guilt for thinking about suicide.
And I thought religion was supposed to foster spiritual awareness and enlightenment.
Yes, moral dilemma indeed.
Thankfully, out of much desperation, I got wise to the ignorance of the "authorities". And out of that desperation, I finally allowed myself to question all of it to see for myself what it really was.
Complete bullshit! Obviously.
Within less than a year, my faith in ecclesiastical "authorities", religion and even god, were smashed into oblivion. I tried in vain to hold on to what shred of faith I thought I had left but I kept grasping at nothing. It was all an illusion. I no longer had any belief left in me. I had become.... AN APOSTATE! It's not surprising as I had resisted much of the doctrine because it never made any sense to me. But the culture wouldn't allow me to question any of it. Questioning was BAD, BAD, BAD, EVIL BAD! That scared me more than my internal evil bad gayness.
Ironically, I quickly discovered just how spiritually empowering apostasy was. And it was AWESOME!
Unfortunately, I had just added "Son of Perdition" to my ongoing list of evil doings. Not that I really cared anymore but, ecclesiastical "authorities" and their authoritarian followers perceive apostasy to be so serious it warrants active endorsement of some rather ignominious un-Christian actions -- just like the ones in the CADC article. All performed in the name of Christ of course.
Another moral dilemma! Not for me, for them. A dilemma that many of them will never realize they have. Oh, the bitter taste of irony.
It's a really surreal and frustrating feeling coming out to a "True Believing Mormon" (TBM). They go from respecting you as an equal human being, in the eyes of God, to suddenly thinking of you as a morally depraved, lower-class, sub-human with a mental illness who is no longer worthy of love, respect or even association.... in the eyes of God. But they will be quick to say to your face that they love you and that God loves you and that is why we have the Atonement. Really? The Atonement? It's as if being gay was a sin. Oh, wait.... I forgot, I have sinned because I no longer see it as a struggle. I've accepted it. I'm now "living in sin". Wow! Sin is such an incredibly misused word.
One TBM friend in particular was outwardly disgusted by the gay part. His way of expressing it was to make rude jokes in front of my co-workers or other people. His tone was sharply underscored with a high level of disdain. Many people noticed it and wondered what was up his ass. Incidentally, he is also the Elders Quorum president and the only other Mormon at the company. When he noticed that my church records were removed, he went out of his way to avoid me. Obviously not setting a good example of Mormonism but who am I to judge? I was such a horrible "example" I felt the need to resign.
Some other TBM friends expressed collective suspicion of my motives as a gay Mormon and some were even concerned that I was going to start demanding that the Mormon church perform gay temple marriages or "sealings". It was easily dispelled through a bit of common sense but it didn't do much to restore their opinion of me.
Right now, I'm giving them some time. I'm letting them see that after all of these years I have not molested their children, ruined their marriages, infected their families with my gay cooties or destroyed their faith in god. Although, I wouldn't mind destroying their faith in God and freeing their minds of the clutches of magical thinking; but alas, I don't have that power.
Thankfully, I don't have to associate with them. I prefer to spend my time around positive and affirming people rather than those who think they can live by the paradox of 'Love the sinner, hate the sin', or the even more insidious, 'we're not anti-gay, we're pro-family'.
As hard as it has been to get to this point in my life, I'm willing to cut them off at any moment if the vitriol becomes too nasty. But, for the most part, I really won't need to do that. Their religious culture will warrant it for me with such wonderfully un-Christian ideas like:
Some would say I'm the one being hypocritical. In a manner of perception I can understand that. After all, I'm spewing my own self-righteousness and pointing out other people's hypocrisy. And though I'm not really claiming any specific code of ethic, I am being condescending in my tone. But at least I'm talking responsibility for it.
Whereas the Christianists are "shouting from the rooftops" with much arrogance and certainty that Christ has given them absolute "truth". And that "truth" dictates that all must obey a specific, dogmatically narrow, philosophy or face terrible consequences. Those who reject their "truth" are looked down upon with fear, disdain and hatred. They say and believe they have tolerance, respect, and love for all people as their dogma dictates they should, but their words and actions say otherwise. After all, they believe they are only performing the will of God.
It really feels weird to say this but, I agree with the other fundamental evangelical Christianists out there who say Mormons are not Christians, although we differ as to why. Besides, it takes one to know one doesn't it? Yes it does. And it just so happens, by their standards, I'm not a Christian either.
Christ was trying to teach people to live without fear. Christianists are just trying to scare the hell out of people.
I wonder why that poll or its results would be something that the CADC would bother with. It wasn't attacking or defaming any Christians. I guess for Christianists, just placing the word 'gay' next to the word 'marriage' is provocation enough to be considered an attack.
As expected, the little CADC's article was quickly addressed on many other blogging sights that I follow. My favorite addressed the CADC's misuse of the bible: "Don't be deceived by teh gays!!"
That crap in the CADC's article and what I endured in Mormon Sunday school every week, up until I resigned last winter, is essentially the same damned thing. It's interesting that even though the Mormons have fundamentally different doctrines and ways of interpreting the bible, they will come up with the exact same un-Christian like ideas that the evangelical fundamentalists have, but still claim to be the only source of truth.
No matter how soft the Mormons' think their rhetoric on homosexuality as become, it will never undo the hell-fire-damnation-pulpit-pounding of decades past. The religious culture is too ingrained. Frankly, I believe the new "softer" rhetoric from the church is just a rebranding of the same old shit from the past, making it much worse. For hell's sakes, they refuse to acknowledge the clinical word 'homosexual' and instead prefer the term 'same-gender attraction (SGA)'! It's usually paired with the word 'problem' or 'struggle' or 'suffer' and equated to a handicap or a drug and alcohol addiction. There is no concept of self-acceptance in the gospel if you're gay. Those with SGA are not to accept that part of themselves. It is to be hidden deep down inside and NEVER TALKED ABOUT, EVER! Doing otherwise would lead to temptation, sin and eternal damnation. So, no matter what they say, being gay is a stigma, a stigma that will always be to your condemnation in the church.
It's a typical example of spiritual manipulation and abuse. Invent a moral dilemma and then promise salvation from it. For some it results in an extreme loyalty to the church and its gospel, for others, severe depression, schizophrenia and suicide.
Mormons are not bad people. There is no such thing as bad people. They are good people who are motivated by fear to do what they think is right. Sometimes what they do is actually bad but believe it's for the greater good. It's in God's hands. His will be done. And often, as seen in the bible, God's will was death and destruction. To give oneself over to an "authority" is noble to them. But it's also justification for absolving oneself of personal responsibility when dishing out what they believe to be God's judgment. It's not just Mormons. Insert any fanatical belief system that motivates adherence through fear. Bad things start to happen.
We homos are just another thing in the Mormon bucket of things to fear. But, again, this is more about a culture that stems from people who, out of fear, isolate themselves and paint their own version of reality to immune themselves from new and threatening information. A culture so ignorant and anathema to sanity, it's no wonder why suicide rates are high amongst the Mormons.
During my time growing up as a confused Gayish-Mormon-Boi in Utah, all I understood about the outside world came from television and movies. I was an overly sensitive and highly impressionable kid and took it all at face value. I didn't know what was going on "in between the lines" so to speak. But thanks to my loving, authoritarian, dogmatic, ecclesiastical authority figures, the "truth" of it was all explained to me on a weekly basis in lurid and sometimes disturbing detail. Was any of it true? No, but I wouldn't find out for another 20 odd years.
That steady stream of misinformation and demonization from those trusted "authorities" had really twisted my ability to correctly perceive people. (Hell, I could probably write a whole book on misperception.) So naturally, I developed an unhealthy fear of people, especially the gay ones, which is why I'm going to be in therapy for awhile.
The cultural climate was essentially that most non-Mormons were evil and did nothing all day but do the evil doing. We Mormons were, at all costs, to stay clear of anyone that does do the evil doing. Especially if they looked like they might possibly be a doer of evil, as even the appearance of evil must be avoided. And we needed to be extra vigilant as Mormons because evil doers often presented themselves with a pleasant and friendly appearance to deceive us so they could corrupt us in subtly enticing ways.
Now, just imagine for a moment waking up one morning and realizing that you might be gay, thus automatically making you evil. Hey, that's what the "authorities" warned me would happen if I ever felt the evil gayness inside of me. And the "authorities" spared no expense to proclaim, with their absolute God given authority, all the different evil doings that that the evil gay evil doers would do. They told us in detail what these gays looked and acted like, and about all the horrendous, deprived, evil, activities they engaged in and committed on unsuspecting adults and children. And now, I somehow become one of them, either by committing an evil gay act on myself or allowing some evil gay to act his evil gay acts on me. One particular "authority" also made it clear that it was my own fault if I didn't violently protect myself.
Now, I was never sexually molested but, because an "authority" said so, I used to believe that my gayness was because I was molested as a small child. And because I believed that I was molested -- albeit lost in some repressed memory I'm sure -- I believed that I would become a molester. After all, according to the "authorities", I was "molesting" myself all the time whenever I masturbated. It was only a matter of time, given the opportunity, before I would be tempted to pass it along. I was so scared of having my life ruined by even an accusation of molestation that I went out of my way to avoid children for decades.
Well, the next stage was the inevitable isolation, loneliness, repression, depression and suicidal longings. The "authorities" also were quick to teach that all that misery was because of my depraved self-molestation and evil thoughts of doing the evil gay doings. To them it was God's way of helping us understand what we were doing wrong so we could repent. What more could you want for a 13 year old kid than to ensure he understands his guilt so that he can repent?
Moral dilemma!
Now the "authorities" begin to school me on the ways of "righteousness" so that I would be free of the evil gayness. Making sure I paid my tithing was number one priority. Tithing didn't bother me; I didn't have any money so it didn't apply. The rest of it was all just simplistic promises and lip service. Be vigilant in controlling all "bad" thoughts. Pray to God like you really mean it, because if you REALLY mean it you will be "cured". If you weren't cured, then you were being selfish.
I guess I was a selfish pervert who didn't mean it because it never went away. More guilt. More, isolation. More, repression, depression and suicidal thoughts. And I mustn't forget that there were a few "authorities" back then who instructed that suicide was an instant go-to-hell card. Do not pass redemption, do not collect salvation. So, more guilt for thinking about suicide.
And I thought religion was supposed to foster spiritual awareness and enlightenment.
Yes, moral dilemma indeed.
Thankfully, out of much desperation, I got wise to the ignorance of the "authorities". And out of that desperation, I finally allowed myself to question all of it to see for myself what it really was.
Complete bullshit! Obviously.
Within less than a year, my faith in ecclesiastical "authorities", religion and even god, were smashed into oblivion. I tried in vain to hold on to what shred of faith I thought I had left but I kept grasping at nothing. It was all an illusion. I no longer had any belief left in me. I had become.... AN APOSTATE! It's not surprising as I had resisted much of the doctrine because it never made any sense to me. But the culture wouldn't allow me to question any of it. Questioning was BAD, BAD, BAD, EVIL BAD! That scared me more than my internal evil bad gayness.
Ironically, I quickly discovered just how spiritually empowering apostasy was. And it was AWESOME!
Unfortunately, I had just added "Son of Perdition" to my ongoing list of evil doings. Not that I really cared anymore but, ecclesiastical "authorities" and their authoritarian followers perceive apostasy to be so serious it warrants active endorsement of some rather ignominious un-Christian actions -- just like the ones in the CADC article. All performed in the name of Christ of course.
Another moral dilemma! Not for me, for them. A dilemma that many of them will never realize they have. Oh, the bitter taste of irony.
It's a really surreal and frustrating feeling coming out to a "True Believing Mormon" (TBM). They go from respecting you as an equal human being, in the eyes of God, to suddenly thinking of you as a morally depraved, lower-class, sub-human with a mental illness who is no longer worthy of love, respect or even association.... in the eyes of God. But they will be quick to say to your face that they love you and that God loves you and that is why we have the Atonement. Really? The Atonement? It's as if being gay was a sin. Oh, wait.... I forgot, I have sinned because I no longer see it as a struggle. I've accepted it. I'm now "living in sin". Wow! Sin is such an incredibly misused word.
One TBM friend in particular was outwardly disgusted by the gay part. His way of expressing it was to make rude jokes in front of my co-workers or other people. His tone was sharply underscored with a high level of disdain. Many people noticed it and wondered what was up his ass. Incidentally, he is also the Elders Quorum president and the only other Mormon at the company. When he noticed that my church records were removed, he went out of his way to avoid me. Obviously not setting a good example of Mormonism but who am I to judge? I was such a horrible "example" I felt the need to resign.
Some other TBM friends expressed collective suspicion of my motives as a gay Mormon and some were even concerned that I was going to start demanding that the Mormon church perform gay temple marriages or "sealings". It was easily dispelled through a bit of common sense but it didn't do much to restore their opinion of me.
Right now, I'm giving them some time. I'm letting them see that after all of these years I have not molested their children, ruined their marriages, infected their families with my gay cooties or destroyed their faith in god. Although, I wouldn't mind destroying their faith in God and freeing their minds of the clutches of magical thinking; but alas, I don't have that power.
Thankfully, I don't have to associate with them. I prefer to spend my time around positive and affirming people rather than those who think they can live by the paradox of 'Love the sinner, hate the sin', or the even more insidious, 'we're not anti-gay, we're pro-family'.
As hard as it has been to get to this point in my life, I'm willing to cut them off at any moment if the vitriol becomes too nasty. But, for the most part, I really won't need to do that. Their religious culture will warrant it for me with such wonderfully un-Christian ideas like:
- Never associate with bad people.
- Bad people are enemies to the church which include, but not limited to: non-Mormons, drinkers, smokers, fornicators, intellectuals, feminists, gays, etc.
- Never empathize with, sympathize with or even tolerate the enemies.
- Never talk to the enemy unless you are calling them to repentance.
- When in doubt about how to recognize any of the above, consult the General Authorities.
- Ad nauseam
- Ad infinitum
Some would say I'm the one being hypocritical. In a manner of perception I can understand that. After all, I'm spewing my own self-righteousness and pointing out other people's hypocrisy. And though I'm not really claiming any specific code of ethic, I am being condescending in my tone. But at least I'm talking responsibility for it.
Whereas the Christianists are "shouting from the rooftops" with much arrogance and certainty that Christ has given them absolute "truth". And that "truth" dictates that all must obey a specific, dogmatically narrow, philosophy or face terrible consequences. Those who reject their "truth" are looked down upon with fear, disdain and hatred. They say and believe they have tolerance, respect, and love for all people as their dogma dictates they should, but their words and actions say otherwise. After all, they believe they are only performing the will of God.
It really feels weird to say this but, I agree with the other fundamental evangelical Christianists out there who say Mormons are not Christians, although we differ as to why. Besides, it takes one to know one doesn't it? Yes it does. And it just so happens, by their standards, I'm not a Christian either.
Christ was trying to teach people to live without fear. Christianists are just trying to scare the hell out of people.
Saturday, June 27, 2009
WARNING: Adult Content!
So, I realized the other day that I had put up an intermediate notice to my blog warning of adult content. I guess I had originally intended to post more adult oriented things. But then I'm also not really sure what adult oriented means when it comes to writing about my life. And why would I feel the need to protect people from the realities of life?
I did have a friend early on tell me that because I used "strong" language and that much of my subject matter involved the gay "lifestyle", I should warn people of adult content just to be safe.
Ironic in that the gay "lifestyle" I write about is mostly from my childhood.
So, unless I decide to post pictures of S&M porn, which probably is adult oriented, I'm removing the notice.
Besides, most kids will never want to read this stuff anyway, it's long and boring. If they do they are quite likely mature enough to handle it.
I did have a friend early on tell me that because I used "strong" language and that much of my subject matter involved the gay "lifestyle", I should warn people of adult content just to be safe.
Ironic in that the gay "lifestyle" I write about is mostly from my childhood.
So, unless I decide to post pictures of S&M porn, which probably is adult oriented, I'm removing the notice.
Besides, most kids will never want to read this stuff anyway, it's long and boring. If they do they are quite likely mature enough to handle it.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
A Tid Bit of Tidbiting
I've been worrying that my posts are too long and that I'm trying to fit too many things into these essays. The one I've been working on this week got as long as 2270 words. I managed to get it cut down to around 1850 words.
My longest essay up to this point has been my ugly "Mormon Faggots" essay. I tend to ramble so much in these things that I've been able to lift entire sections out of them and use for other essays. I think I lifted three different ramblings out of "Mormon Faggots" that could be used elsewhere. Not sure if I will but then I'm not going to promise anything.
The essay I'm currently working on was originally going to be posted on June 14th but my experience during the gay pride festival that weekend changed the way I saw a few things. Also the 3 hour drive home put me way past my bed time so the attempts I made at editing that night were akin to a cat walking on a keyboard.
My feelings had changed so much that the tone of the essay had completely changed. The change didn't stem from any specific event that weekend but more of my state of mind at the festival this year. I just pushed myself to stay in a head space that was always in the present. I avoided thinking about work or other distractions. Being active in the now like that allowed me to be appreciative of what was going on around me, to drop all judgments and appreciate that I and the people around me were experiencing and expressing our personal truths without fear of death or dismemberment.
That also allowed me to stop worrying that I might be committing some gay fashion faux pas by wearing a bright red t-shirt, khaki cargo shorts, a blue and tan baseball cap and these wonderfully eye-catching, Gothic, knee-high leather buckle boots. Incidentally, the boots were a big hit! I knew they would be. I had a lot of great complements and conversations because of them.
One conservative gay gentleman asked me why I wore them. I said, "I'm simply expressing a form of my sexuality."
To which he grinned and said, "Ah, you want someone licking your boots."
Yeah, he nailed it. He wasn't so conservative after all. LOL!
But I digress.
I'm still letting my next essay stew for a bit to make sure I've said what I want to say in the way I want to say it.
It's hard to be impeccable in writing. Obviously I'm not as prolific compared to professionals. But then I've always had a fucked up need to compare my stuff to something perfect. But what? I don't know. I just know that it's not perfect for me. There is something in my gut that isn't quite comfortable with it. It's probably my ego rather than my gut talking because I worry more about any criticism of my spelling, grammar and punctuation than I do about the content of my thoroughly elucidate, cankerous ramblings.
It's my fucking blog for crying out loud. It's for dumping my brain. If people don't like it, it's not my problem. Why would I care? Why am I so hard on myself and expect that all posts I make have to be these great literary masterpieces? I don't know. I'm still just trying to find my voice really. And I would really like to be free to just throw shit up here that is just that, shit! Why don't I? It's my space to define my way. Hell, I'm just going to start doing it now with this post. I can always fix the mistakes later if I find them.... or when someone points them out.... in a way that is helpful....
The other day a friend called me and expressed his disappointment in me. He said that he had thought that for sure I had more intelligence than that.
What did I do now?
Well, in a quick little email I had accidentally used the word "your" instead of "you're".
Oh, for fuck's sake.
My longest essay up to this point has been my ugly "Mormon Faggots" essay. I tend to ramble so much in these things that I've been able to lift entire sections out of them and use for other essays. I think I lifted three different ramblings out of "Mormon Faggots" that could be used elsewhere. Not sure if I will but then I'm not going to promise anything.
The essay I'm currently working on was originally going to be posted on June 14th but my experience during the gay pride festival that weekend changed the way I saw a few things. Also the 3 hour drive home put me way past my bed time so the attempts I made at editing that night were akin to a cat walking on a keyboard.
My feelings had changed so much that the tone of the essay had completely changed. The change didn't stem from any specific event that weekend but more of my state of mind at the festival this year. I just pushed myself to stay in a head space that was always in the present. I avoided thinking about work or other distractions. Being active in the now like that allowed me to be appreciative of what was going on around me, to drop all judgments and appreciate that I and the people around me were experiencing and expressing our personal truths without fear of death or dismemberment.
That also allowed me to stop worrying that I might be committing some gay fashion faux pas by wearing a bright red t-shirt, khaki cargo shorts, a blue and tan baseball cap and these wonderfully eye-catching, Gothic, knee-high leather buckle boots. Incidentally, the boots were a big hit! I knew they would be. I had a lot of great complements and conversations because of them.
One conservative gay gentleman asked me why I wore them. I said, "I'm simply expressing a form of my sexuality."
To which he grinned and said, "Ah, you want someone licking your boots."
Yeah, he nailed it. He wasn't so conservative after all. LOL!
But I digress.
I'm still letting my next essay stew for a bit to make sure I've said what I want to say in the way I want to say it.
It's hard to be impeccable in writing. Obviously I'm not as prolific compared to professionals. But then I've always had a fucked up need to compare my stuff to something perfect. But what? I don't know. I just know that it's not perfect for me. There is something in my gut that isn't quite comfortable with it. It's probably my ego rather than my gut talking because I worry more about any criticism of my spelling, grammar and punctuation than I do about the content of my thoroughly elucidate, cankerous ramblings.
It's my fucking blog for crying out loud. It's for dumping my brain. If people don't like it, it's not my problem. Why would I care? Why am I so hard on myself and expect that all posts I make have to be these great literary masterpieces? I don't know. I'm still just trying to find my voice really. And I would really like to be free to just throw shit up here that is just that, shit! Why don't I? It's my space to define my way. Hell, I'm just going to start doing it now with this post. I can always fix the mistakes later if I find them.... or when someone points them out.... in a way that is helpful....
The other day a friend called me and expressed his disappointment in me. He said that he had thought that for sure I had more intelligence than that.
What did I do now?
Well, in a quick little email I had accidentally used the word "your" instead of "you're".
Oh, for fuck's sake.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Facebook Folly
I had originally intended for my brain-dumping on this blog to be more frequent and on a somewhat regular basis. But I got a bit side tracked. Not in the way that is usually thought of where life gets complicated and work gets busy and all of that. It's all true but I still had plenty of time to write and I didn't.
Through the course of the weeks since my last post, I noticed that my journaling had become erratic and often times it didn't contain much more than a date at the top of the page. I would sit down at my computer intending to do it but I never got past opening up Word to a blank page before distracting myself with something mindless. I kept avoiding it. I thought that I really had nothing to say and yet I was spending a lot of my waking time in a state of emotional crabbiness.
My mind, so I thought, had no need of dumping. Sure I had moments of venting but it was on forums where the other people were anonymous strangers without dissenting opinions. In other words, I was only posting to "safe spaces" but because my venting was in the heat of the discussion, it was only within the context of the dialog so it wasn't something I could make a blog post out of. Perhaps later I will when I really get my ideas in check.
I also stopped posting pro-gay marriage stuff on Facebook too and that ultimately was the real kicker. It wasn't a "safe space". Every time I wanted to post something or comment on someone else's post, I would stop short and tell myself that what I had to say was unimportant or that it would irritate someone. I was especially afraid of what my Mormon friends and family would think, even some of my co-workers as well. I was essentially starting to push myself back into the closet again. Avoid drawing attention to myself by not talking about it. Letting it all pass by as if I hadn't noticed anything was going on, hoping that someone else will address it so I don't have to look like the angry-gay-activist-enemy-dude etc.
Incidentally, also over the course of the weeks since my last post, several old friends found me on Facebook. Some of them actually talked to me to catch up on things, clear the air about the past, or just say hello. Unfortunately, I also had a few un-friend me during that time too. And I will probably never know why. I could assume that it was the gay thing as that does bother a few of the really religious types but I honestly think that most of them just ignore me or disable the notices. Admittedly, I've done that to a few of my friends but it was to curtail having to sift through all useless spam generated by those stupid games they were playing all damn day.
But, with the un-friending, I know I can't really know anything for sure. And I'm just too chicken to ask. Besides, if I know what it was, it would probably make me hate them even more. Especially when one of them also un-friended my brother but didn't un-friend all the friends we had in common. They were just eliminating my family from their friend list. Do I want to know? Well, yes, but I'm not going to ask. They are gone and I'm sure it will be a better world without them.
What gets me about the un-friending is the audacity of it in the first place. For someone to friend me, even chat with me and post comments to my wall or photo gallery and then one day decide that it was time to cut it off is just really odd. To me, friending someone is to say, "I want to link my page to yours and be associated with you." But, to un-friend seems to do more than just say, "I don't wish to link my page with yours anymore", it also tells the world that "We are no longer friends in real life." Clearly this doesn't apply to the friends who are total strangers to me in real life. It's the ones that I have known personally throughout the years and we have a history together. It's rejection, simple as that.
I hate rejection. It's still my weak spot. It fucking hurts and I fucking hate it. And then to have it happen several times in a series of a few weeks is earth shattering for me. It's odd how a simple little act where someone makes and breaks a friendship on Facebook can trigger depression. But that's what it did. After a few rounds of un-friending, I found myself getting cautious. I started to regress. Go and hide. Don't make waves. Don't say anything that might drive any more people away, especially my friends who hadn't been paying attention recently and noticed that I'd decided to become a flaming homosexual.
Yes, rejection is something that I have always been hyper sensitive to. It is partly the reason it took me so damned long to deal with being gay in the first place. So every time I notice that someone has left, I feel utter terror inside. "What the fuck did I do now?"
Depression has a way of slowly creeping up on me so it took me awhile to realize what was going on. I had essentially revoked my own permission to express myself at all, no matter what it was. I had regressed to the old, emotionless, robotic, overly self-censored thinking from my past. And I resented it. I stopped doing any writing. I didn't want to talk to people about the things going on in my life. It was affecting my social life, my interaction with people at work, my family, everything. I didn't want to risk doing or saying anything that might express my true self in fear that it was something about me that pushed people away. Ironically, my anger, frustration and bitterness did it anyway.
Of course I was blaming everyone else for feeling like I needed to censor myself. After all, I grew up believing that it was my responsibility to do whatever it took to make sure that other people were happy. And no matter what, I would invariably fail resulting in getting horribly criticized for it. So it used to be that any little bit of criticism would push my self-censor buttons.
But this was different. I wasn't getting any criticism. I was just loosing people with no reason as to why they were leaving. They weren't sticking around to criticize. The ones that did stick around to criticize didn't bother me. I found that I was now comfortable enough with myself to brush it off. But I didn't know how to deal with the ones who just up and walked out without saying a dammed thing. That was a new one on me.
I realize that spending all of my time trying to figure out why people end a relationship is a waste of precious time that I could be using to make new friends. I'm still in a transitional time in my life where my social links are realigning. As I grow into a new and complete gay man, sure of who I am and unwilling to pretend to be what other people want me to be, I'm going to be making new friendships, adjusting existing ones and ending others. It's just the way it is. Yet, it's still hard and it's not without some hurt feelings. And quite honestly, there are a few people that, had things been different, I would never have been their friends to begin with.
I'm trying to keep in mind that, for many of those people, I'm no longer the same person they got to know years ago. Many of them, including my family, don't really know the real me. They don't know my real interests or any of my religious or political views let alone my philosophical views about life, love and sex. They think they know because I never corrected them when they made assumptions. Instead, I just pretended to take an interest in their interests and pretend to agree with their opinions. After all, I just wanted to fit in. I needed to hide myself and everyone else from that evil scary gay thing inside. So ultimately, the person they all got to know was a complex shell they helped create for me and I accommodated them by making sure I wore it full time. In many ways I even believed some of that shell was the true me.
But that shell is gone now. Quickly and violently ripped away. So much so that I'm still trying to sort out what is real and what isn't, what matters and what doesn't, who cares and who doesn't and where my spot will be in all of this. And I still wonder why the fuck it couldn't have been different.
Through the course of the weeks since my last post, I noticed that my journaling had become erratic and often times it didn't contain much more than a date at the top of the page. I would sit down at my computer intending to do it but I never got past opening up Word to a blank page before distracting myself with something mindless. I kept avoiding it. I thought that I really had nothing to say and yet I was spending a lot of my waking time in a state of emotional crabbiness.
My mind, so I thought, had no need of dumping. Sure I had moments of venting but it was on forums where the other people were anonymous strangers without dissenting opinions. In other words, I was only posting to "safe spaces" but because my venting was in the heat of the discussion, it was only within the context of the dialog so it wasn't something I could make a blog post out of. Perhaps later I will when I really get my ideas in check.
I also stopped posting pro-gay marriage stuff on Facebook too and that ultimately was the real kicker. It wasn't a "safe space". Every time I wanted to post something or comment on someone else's post, I would stop short and tell myself that what I had to say was unimportant or that it would irritate someone. I was especially afraid of what my Mormon friends and family would think, even some of my co-workers as well. I was essentially starting to push myself back into the closet again. Avoid drawing attention to myself by not talking about it. Letting it all pass by as if I hadn't noticed anything was going on, hoping that someone else will address it so I don't have to look like the angry-gay-activist-enemy-dude etc.
Incidentally, also over the course of the weeks since my last post, several old friends found me on Facebook. Some of them actually talked to me to catch up on things, clear the air about the past, or just say hello. Unfortunately, I also had a few un-friend me during that time too. And I will probably never know why. I could assume that it was the gay thing as that does bother a few of the really religious types but I honestly think that most of them just ignore me or disable the notices. Admittedly, I've done that to a few of my friends but it was to curtail having to sift through all useless spam generated by those stupid games they were playing all damn day.
But, with the un-friending, I know I can't really know anything for sure. And I'm just too chicken to ask. Besides, if I know what it was, it would probably make me hate them even more. Especially when one of them also un-friended my brother but didn't un-friend all the friends we had in common. They were just eliminating my family from their friend list. Do I want to know? Well, yes, but I'm not going to ask. They are gone and I'm sure it will be a better world without them.
What gets me about the un-friending is the audacity of it in the first place. For someone to friend me, even chat with me and post comments to my wall or photo gallery and then one day decide that it was time to cut it off is just really odd. To me, friending someone is to say, "I want to link my page to yours and be associated with you." But, to un-friend seems to do more than just say, "I don't wish to link my page with yours anymore", it also tells the world that "We are no longer friends in real life." Clearly this doesn't apply to the friends who are total strangers to me in real life. It's the ones that I have known personally throughout the years and we have a history together. It's rejection, simple as that.
I hate rejection. It's still my weak spot. It fucking hurts and I fucking hate it. And then to have it happen several times in a series of a few weeks is earth shattering for me. It's odd how a simple little act where someone makes and breaks a friendship on Facebook can trigger depression. But that's what it did. After a few rounds of un-friending, I found myself getting cautious. I started to regress. Go and hide. Don't make waves. Don't say anything that might drive any more people away, especially my friends who hadn't been paying attention recently and noticed that I'd decided to become a flaming homosexual.
Yes, rejection is something that I have always been hyper sensitive to. It is partly the reason it took me so damned long to deal with being gay in the first place. So every time I notice that someone has left, I feel utter terror inside. "What the fuck did I do now?"
Depression has a way of slowly creeping up on me so it took me awhile to realize what was going on. I had essentially revoked my own permission to express myself at all, no matter what it was. I had regressed to the old, emotionless, robotic, overly self-censored thinking from my past. And I resented it. I stopped doing any writing. I didn't want to talk to people about the things going on in my life. It was affecting my social life, my interaction with people at work, my family, everything. I didn't want to risk doing or saying anything that might express my true self in fear that it was something about me that pushed people away. Ironically, my anger, frustration and bitterness did it anyway.
Of course I was blaming everyone else for feeling like I needed to censor myself. After all, I grew up believing that it was my responsibility to do whatever it took to make sure that other people were happy. And no matter what, I would invariably fail resulting in getting horribly criticized for it. So it used to be that any little bit of criticism would push my self-censor buttons.
But this was different. I wasn't getting any criticism. I was just loosing people with no reason as to why they were leaving. They weren't sticking around to criticize. The ones that did stick around to criticize didn't bother me. I found that I was now comfortable enough with myself to brush it off. But I didn't know how to deal with the ones who just up and walked out without saying a dammed thing. That was a new one on me.
I realize that spending all of my time trying to figure out why people end a relationship is a waste of precious time that I could be using to make new friends. I'm still in a transitional time in my life where my social links are realigning. As I grow into a new and complete gay man, sure of who I am and unwilling to pretend to be what other people want me to be, I'm going to be making new friendships, adjusting existing ones and ending others. It's just the way it is. Yet, it's still hard and it's not without some hurt feelings. And quite honestly, there are a few people that, had things been different, I would never have been their friends to begin with.
I'm trying to keep in mind that, for many of those people, I'm no longer the same person they got to know years ago. Many of them, including my family, don't really know the real me. They don't know my real interests or any of my religious or political views let alone my philosophical views about life, love and sex. They think they know because I never corrected them when they made assumptions. Instead, I just pretended to take an interest in their interests and pretend to agree with their opinions. After all, I just wanted to fit in. I needed to hide myself and everyone else from that evil scary gay thing inside. So ultimately, the person they all got to know was a complex shell they helped create for me and I accommodated them by making sure I wore it full time. In many ways I even believed some of that shell was the true me.
But that shell is gone now. Quickly and violently ripped away. So much so that I'm still trying to sort out what is real and what isn't, what matters and what doesn't, who cares and who doesn't and where my spot will be in all of this. And I still wonder why the fuck it couldn't have been different.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Maggie Gallagher is a Caricature
I know that I said that I didn't want to talk about current events or politics in this blog and I'm still not going to. But just to give you, the reader (assuming I have any), some background as to who Maggie Gallagher is, she is an anti-gay activist. Well, she would never admit to that title but that is what she is. Why do I say that? Because she is currently President of the National Organization for Marriage (NOM) which is an organization formed for the sole purpose of lobbying to prevent same-sex couples from having marriage rights. But this isn't about that.
Recently she was on the MSNBC program Hardball, "debating" with HRC's Joe Solmonese. See for yourself: (as long as the video continues to exist)
For me, watching that was frustrating. Maggie outright lied and contradicted herself but neither of them could call her out on it because she would just talk over them. There are words for that. Sidetrack, deflect, avoid...
But then I'm not sure I'm willing to accept that Maggie is a conscious liar though. She is so proud and lost in her beliefs that she appears to be lying when in reality she is just ignorant and damn proud of it.
I say that because I was accused of being a liar the other day. The reality was I was just stating my belief in something that was a lie. As much as it hurts to hear the other person call me a liar, I realized that him calling me a liar hurt worse to my pride than if I was just told that I was misinformed. I felt like I was being attacked rather than just schooled. I honestly didn't know I was believing a lie.
What I've observed over the years is that when people hold conflicting beliefs, most commonly encouraged by religious or political dogma, the amount of mental gymnastics that a person must perform to link the conflict into something that sounds rational and coherent, gives one a sense of pride for the effort involved. It's as if we believe we are some intellectual powerhouse and we can make perfect sense of the "tough issues". Once we've done that our belief becomes an infallible fact.
I once held a great personal satisfaction that I was able to think I truly understood how my sexuality wasn't gay, despite the evidence to the contrary. Going back to my old journals from 2004, (I avoided the subject before then) I am constantly surprised at the contradictions I would write, many times in the same sentence. I remember my state of mind when I wrote them too. I was consciously denying my reality so that a religious belief could fit and I felt a strange piousness in my heart because of that. Then, I would state the reality with a justification as to how I was a special case and then feel justified that I was on the right path. I was essentially creating deeper layers of lies by patching the inconsistencies with lies.
Looking back I can see the insanity. I was not rational even though I had convinced myself that I was. So, even though my convictions were based on lies, I was not lying because I didn't believe they were lies. But when I state my belief I am lying. But I'm not lying because I believe it to be this way...more mental gymnastics.
It comes down to this for me: when my beliefs are challenged am I going to lie to cover up the contradictions or am I going to acknowledge them and admit that I'm not properly educated on all of the facts? Well, it depends on my mood some days but also depends on how hard I worked to form the belief in the first place. The stupid belief I was called on the other day was not something I spent my lifetime trying to form. It was easy to let it go. But, when it comes to beliefs that I've spent years forming, I'm insanely protective of them.
Even though I'm better at killing my pride now than I was in the past, some days I find that I'm so hurt that my pride is the only defense mechanism that I've got. It's sad that I still think I need a defense mechanism. But when I'm afraid of something and I'm not willing, out of fear, to really look at why I'm afraid(double bind), I really bust open the pride and turn myself into an ever living asshole.
What also frustrates me is that few people ever ask the right question that would really get Maggie to think. And that is: what are you afraid of? Of course, as we see in the video, that line of questioning is always side tracked and never gets pressed. But then with some people, continuing to press it would get tedious which doesn't make for good television. After a few layers of fears are exposed the avoidance would pop-up again and again because the root fears always seem to be horrible shameful secrets. And many of us usually end up forgetting we have them anyway. For instance, like being gay. I managed to actually forget about that one for 25 years. Yeah, incredible isn't it? LOL!
Personally, I feel sorry for poor Maggie. Even though no one outright called her a liar, she got defensive when called on her contradictions (lies). It hurts to be called a liar. And it hurts to realize that you really are one. I feel bad for anyone who is hurt. I get conflicted because I don't want to perpetuate that hurt but at the same time I want to slap them upside the head. But that's just arrogance on my part. But what will it take? It took some serious tragedy (mental breakdown) for me to finally see where I got distracted (LDS dogma). What will it take for her and others like her to see where they took the wrong turn? And will they be willing, if or when their "storms" finally come, to be open to alternative ideas, scientific, political or religious?
Is it ALWAYS about religion? Those who realize that religion cannot be used as a defense seem to be getting desperate and calling on more non-religious reasoning but they are having trouble because the peer-reviewed scientific community, which ironically they do not trust, can't help them anymore like they did in the early part of the 20th century. It looks like it's now turning into pure politics at this point. Unfortunately politics seems to be in bed with religious rhetoric now. What a mess.
Going back as far as I can remember when I started following politics, 1980 (6th grade?), it always seemed to be about countering each other's misinformation and fears. The winner was the one who could out "opinionate" the other by sounding convincing enough that people believed their stores as fact.
I learned to despise politics at a young age.
So when someone brings up the topic of why gay marriage or gay rights in general are bad, I'm immediately at a loss for words because no matter what I say it's only a response to a sidestepping of the real issue. The real issue is really about their deep personal fears about themselves. And because I can't respond to their liking, they declare themselves the winner and boast at how they "confounded the opposition". In reality I was confounded by their utter stupidity and realized that arguing with them was a waste of my time and brain cells. And then I'm angry because I know how they perceived it and that the entire confrontation worked against me. And then I'm double angry because I wanted so much to slap them upside the head knowing full well that it would victimize them for real instead of the fantasized victimization that they are currently enjoying.
No matter what, the loser is always someone who tries to talk some sense into a nut job.
We humans are truly strange creatures.
Recently she was on the MSNBC program Hardball, "debating" with HRC's Joe Solmonese. See for yourself: (as long as the video continues to exist)
For me, watching that was frustrating. Maggie outright lied and contradicted herself but neither of them could call her out on it because she would just talk over them. There are words for that. Sidetrack, deflect, avoid...
But then I'm not sure I'm willing to accept that Maggie is a conscious liar though. She is so proud and lost in her beliefs that she appears to be lying when in reality she is just ignorant and damn proud of it.
I say that because I was accused of being a liar the other day. The reality was I was just stating my belief in something that was a lie. As much as it hurts to hear the other person call me a liar, I realized that him calling me a liar hurt worse to my pride than if I was just told that I was misinformed. I felt like I was being attacked rather than just schooled. I honestly didn't know I was believing a lie.
What I've observed over the years is that when people hold conflicting beliefs, most commonly encouraged by religious or political dogma, the amount of mental gymnastics that a person must perform to link the conflict into something that sounds rational and coherent, gives one a sense of pride for the effort involved. It's as if we believe we are some intellectual powerhouse and we can make perfect sense of the "tough issues". Once we've done that our belief becomes an infallible fact.
I once held a great personal satisfaction that I was able to think I truly understood how my sexuality wasn't gay, despite the evidence to the contrary. Going back to my old journals from 2004, (I avoided the subject before then) I am constantly surprised at the contradictions I would write, many times in the same sentence. I remember my state of mind when I wrote them too. I was consciously denying my reality so that a religious belief could fit and I felt a strange piousness in my heart because of that. Then, I would state the reality with a justification as to how I was a special case and then feel justified that I was on the right path. I was essentially creating deeper layers of lies by patching the inconsistencies with lies.
Looking back I can see the insanity. I was not rational even though I had convinced myself that I was. So, even though my convictions were based on lies, I was not lying because I didn't believe they were lies. But when I state my belief I am lying. But I'm not lying because I believe it to be this way...more mental gymnastics.
It comes down to this for me: when my beliefs are challenged am I going to lie to cover up the contradictions or am I going to acknowledge them and admit that I'm not properly educated on all of the facts? Well, it depends on my mood some days but also depends on how hard I worked to form the belief in the first place. The stupid belief I was called on the other day was not something I spent my lifetime trying to form. It was easy to let it go. But, when it comes to beliefs that I've spent years forming, I'm insanely protective of them.
Even though I'm better at killing my pride now than I was in the past, some days I find that I'm so hurt that my pride is the only defense mechanism that I've got. It's sad that I still think I need a defense mechanism. But when I'm afraid of something and I'm not willing, out of fear, to really look at why I'm afraid(double bind), I really bust open the pride and turn myself into an ever living asshole.
What also frustrates me is that few people ever ask the right question that would really get Maggie to think. And that is: what are you afraid of? Of course, as we see in the video, that line of questioning is always side tracked and never gets pressed. But then with some people, continuing to press it would get tedious which doesn't make for good television. After a few layers of fears are exposed the avoidance would pop-up again and again because the root fears always seem to be horrible shameful secrets. And many of us usually end up forgetting we have them anyway. For instance, like being gay. I managed to actually forget about that one for 25 years. Yeah, incredible isn't it? LOL!
Personally, I feel sorry for poor Maggie. Even though no one outright called her a liar, she got defensive when called on her contradictions (lies). It hurts to be called a liar. And it hurts to realize that you really are one. I feel bad for anyone who is hurt. I get conflicted because I don't want to perpetuate that hurt but at the same time I want to slap them upside the head. But that's just arrogance on my part. But what will it take? It took some serious tragedy (mental breakdown) for me to finally see where I got distracted (LDS dogma). What will it take for her and others like her to see where they took the wrong turn? And will they be willing, if or when their "storms" finally come, to be open to alternative ideas, scientific, political or religious?
Is it ALWAYS about religion? Those who realize that religion cannot be used as a defense seem to be getting desperate and calling on more non-religious reasoning but they are having trouble because the peer-reviewed scientific community, which ironically they do not trust, can't help them anymore like they did in the early part of the 20th century. It looks like it's now turning into pure politics at this point. Unfortunately politics seems to be in bed with religious rhetoric now. What a mess.
Going back as far as I can remember when I started following politics, 1980 (6th grade?), it always seemed to be about countering each other's misinformation and fears. The winner was the one who could out "opinionate" the other by sounding convincing enough that people believed their stores as fact.
I learned to despise politics at a young age.
So when someone brings up the topic of why gay marriage or gay rights in general are bad, I'm immediately at a loss for words because no matter what I say it's only a response to a sidestepping of the real issue. The real issue is really about their deep personal fears about themselves. And because I can't respond to their liking, they declare themselves the winner and boast at how they "confounded the opposition". In reality I was confounded by their utter stupidity and realized that arguing with them was a waste of my time and brain cells. And then I'm angry because I know how they perceived it and that the entire confrontation worked against me. And then I'm double angry because I wanted so much to slap them upside the head knowing full well that it would victimize them for real instead of the fantasized victimization that they are currently enjoying.
No matter what, the loser is always someone who tries to talk some sense into a nut job.
We humans are truly strange creatures.
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Mormon Faggots
I was in a little instant message chat with a gay friend one evening when he suddenly started ranting about his frustration with the Gay Scene. I was somewhat confused. I had no idea what he meant by that. What was this Gay Scene that was all worth getting frustrated over? He went on to tell me about the fucking, shallow, jerks who were spreading rumors about him on Craig's List of his sexual behaviors of "getting around the town". I assume that meant he was being accused of slutting it up. Well, he does live in a small rural community in the west, and I suppose the rarity of gays out there make them somewhat territorial. Hmmm, sounds like a catfight!
Anyway, it got me thinking. There was something bugging me about this gay guy referring to his cruising as if it were a special lifestyle, -- a special Gay Lifestyle. Was the Gay Scene or Gay Lifestyle only about cruising for sex? Why wasn't there a thing called the Straight Scene or Straight Lifestyle? There are a lot more straights cruising for sex than gays. What made it so special that it was given a name of its own? And why does he refer to it as the Gay Scene?
I don't really suppose that I'm going to actually answer these questions with any modicum of facts and figures. Honestly, it's all just a hodgepodge of personal opinion. But I'm going to ponder my experiences and see what happens as I explore this idea of the Gay Scene.
The only real visible sign of gay culture that some people think of as the Gay Scene appears to be the leftovers of a culture that is reminiscent of its heyday in the 70's and 80's, when sexual liberation had matured and being out and proud was the new thing. I saw brief glimpses of it on TV growing up, -- but only after we got cable. Let's see, what do I remember? Ah yes, fabulous gender-bending queens, lots of skinny tan guys with pink feather boas and cut-off blue jeans-- cut to with an inch of their life, -- and those hot, shirtless, muscly men in their sexy leather chaps. Ooo, I need to repeat that. Hot, shirtless, muscly men in their sexy leather chaps. Sigh.
Anyway, was all of that audacious flaunting in the streets of San Francisco waving rainbow colored flags the Gay Scene? No, I think that was just California, although it has since spread to other states. To me it always looked a lot like a Mardi Gras except with less alcohol, less nudity and a visual distinction that looked, well, gay.
Incidentally, what in the hell does gay look like when it comes to judging the person? I can pass for the straightest acting gay guy east or west of the Mississippi and yet I'm as gay as gay can get. On the Kinsey scale of human sexuality I'm a 7. But people insist that I don't look gay. And only the really perceptive guys, who are looking for it, or my mom, will see the signals, but only after a while. And since my gaydar is sorely underdeveloped, I have to make sure I'm in or near the Gay Scene to get anywhere. But I don't know what that is!
What I've seen in the gay world and what I've seen in the straight world looks the same to me.
What I see is that the terms Gay Scene or Gay Lifestyle are pejorative labels used by people who think gays are, to put it nicely, icky. And those gay folks who think of themselves as icky and don't realize the double standard in play, would be the ones who use it on themselves.
The non-gay acting straight folks don't use the word lifestyle to describe their scene obviously. But insist on using that word to describe the Gay Scene. Well, except for S&M. The term "The Lifestyle" or "The Scene" is commonly used which is fine. But then those religious, non-gay acting straights, or rather, Christian anti-gay activists, would never admit to the existence of S&M amongst the straights. They make great attempts to convince everyone that S&M is only an uber-perverted, gay thing. Heh! Sorry to burst your bubble there Christianists, but it's not perverted and it's not only a gay thing! I dare say that the only thing about S&M that can be called perverted is the fucked up version that permeates the everyday life of many Christianists. But that is a topic for another time.
As a matter of interest, S&M is the only real organized lifestyle or scene to emerge from that wonderful leather subculture of the gay community. Unfortunately it has, almost completely, been taken over by heterosexuals. And quite frankly it sickens me! Every time I go online to shop for S&M gear, I have to hold back my gag reflex as I'm being assaulted by blatant displays of heterosexual bondage! Eww! I really wish these straight people wouldn't go around flaunting their sexuality so much!
Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, the Gay Scene. No wait, not yet. I'm not done ranting about Christianist. Allow me to indulge myself with some reminiscing.
I came out late in life. It wasn't that I just decided to come out of the closet to tell the world, I wasn't able to accept I was gay until late in life. Yeah, it's a long, sordid and sadly pathetic story so I'll spare you all and not tell most of it. But it went like this:
I was immersed in a religious culture that prided itself on demonizing the world at large. And as one would expect, doing it without a clue as to what the world really was. Mostly blanket statements about Satan's influence and ushering in the end of the world. To them Satan was a powerful force lurking around every corner waiting to turn people into miserable tools for evil. And because we had the "one true gospel", the evildoers were jealous and hateful of our fortune. All they were intent on doing was persecuting and corrupting us poor happy Mormons to be miserable like them.
Now, this isn't really about the Mormons themselves. It's about my friend and me as Mormons! And it's not pretty. Like all good, psychotic, God fearing, Christian religions, everything revolves around the denunciation of sex. We were taught, in church, starting at the age of puberty, that masturbation was a form of sexual abuse that makes you gay. And the worst possible thing that could happen to you would be choosing to get sucked into a debasing, vile addiction such as homosexuality. Yeah, that's what we were taught! Homosexuality was a debasing, vile addiction caused by masturbation. And not only that but homosexuality was a sin almost as evil as murder. Actually, depending on whom you talked to and what mood they were in, it was worse than that. All sex outside of marriage was an evil sin as almost as bad as murder, but homosexual sex was as bad or worse than murder! LOL!
I can laugh at it now but it was serious shit back then. Total Fucking Serious Shit! And when the AIDS scare hit our little socially isolated world, that Total Fucking Serious Shit hit the proverbial Totally Badass, Gas Powered, Super Shit Spreading Fan! The times of Sodom and Gomorrah had come! Gay people were no longer just perverted, child molesting, homosexuals. They were now perverted, child molesting, homosexual, ass-fucking Sodomites! And they were here to destroy humanity with the new plague of the century, AIDS! Oh, and anal warts too. LOL!
Still, I laugh at it now but it was serious shit back then! Well, it's still serious shit today but I digress.
My response to such religious programming in relationship to my reluctant self-discovery as a teenager was to stuff it deep down in the back of my mind and forgot about it. The gay world, the straight world, even my personal S&M alone time was all off my gaydar, radar and dungeon play, for 20+ years.
I was well aware of the straight world because all my friends at the time where straight and I had no choice but to accept the overt flaunting of heterosexuality. It was all too disgusting for a repressed, straight, gay-guy like me to willingly or even successfully participate in. Thank God! Though I still donned my S&M fetish gear, I kept it to myself so it didn't count. No one else was involved so no one knew. Sadly, such repressive and split-level thinking was driving me to insanity and suicide.
But, for the most part, the gay world was something that happened out-of-sight in a city far, far away. Except when I saw those brief glimpses on cable TV. There were a few times in college I would hear about some poor fool who, hanging out at the local rest stop down the road from the university, was labeled a fag and beaten within an inch of his life. A few of my straight friends liked to brag about it. I was privileged, several times, to hear about what they liked to do with baseball bats and faggots. Welcome to Happy Valley, Utah, USA! Goddamn, Fuckers!
Anyway, back to my gay friend. His response to the same religious programming was to feel ashamed like me but instead he rebelled and acted out his sexuality. Granted, at the time he lived in a more urban climate void of small town rumor mills and threats of violence. He told me that he started his college carrier by diving right into the world of gay sexual voracity. Whereas I, denying anything gay, watched in shock as all of my straight friends dove into the straight world of sexual voracity. Ironically, I suffered great pangs of guilt because I didn't obey my religious programming and disassociate myself from such evil people.
So what, specifically, had he dived into? He told me about the bars to get hookups, strip clubs, one-night stands, orgies and glory holes in the backs of porn shops. Yeah, I'm sure there is gay slang for this crap but I don't give a shit. It's still the same no matter what it's called and none of it is exclusive to the gay world. I lived in the straight world for 25+ years where I was around straight people who went to bars for hookups, strip clubs, one-night stands, orgies and glory holes in the backs of porn shops too.
So what am I getting at here?
The so-called Gay Scene is really just a gay version of the Straight Scene. There is no difference. The sexual activities and mating habits are the same in both worlds. The cheating, backbiting and game playing are the same in both worlds. STDs are rampant in both worlds. Prostitution prevails in both worlds. Drug and alcohol abuse continues to kill people in both worlds. People fall in love and make commitments to each other in both worlds. They have kids in both worlds. They get divorced and fight for custody in both worlds. They believe in God, go to church and pay their tithes in both worlds. They don't believe in god, ignore, shun or despise religion in both worlds. Both the gay community and the straight community have their fair share of sexually repressed, promiscuous, perverted, child molesting, ass-fucking Sodomites. The only difference is, there are a hell of a lot more straight ones than gay ones. But that's just because of the nature of probability.
So, while I was playing a scared-straight, upstanding Mormon and hating my life, my friend, bless his little faggot heart, was playing a rebellious straight-act, upstanding Mormon and hating his life, but with the benefit of having a shit load of gay sex. Lucky him!
He still lives in shame as a rebellious straight-act, upstanding Mormon and hating his life. But now he is married to a psychotic woman, has four kids, goes to church and the temple, pays his tithing and hates his life even more. He never witnessed much of the straight world except for the fairytale Mormon version. Something to this effect: Grow up and go on a mission, pay my tithing, go to BYU, get married in the Temple, have 11 children, we all turn out perfect, we win our spot in the Celestial Kingdom a few doors down from God's house, and live there for ever and ever and ever and ever, in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.
His view of the gay world is essentially what his religious programming tells him it is. And, as with all "True Blue Mormons", or any Christian fundamentalist for that mater, he compartmentalizes his beliefs. For him, having a firm belief in the church doesn't conflict with getting some hot man-booty on the side and then teaching in Sunday school about the evil homosexuals. I guess I should cut him some slack. After all, I was a "True Blue Mormon" once. Thankfully I figured it out and got the hell out. I'm sure he'll come around sometime too. At least I hope he will. His sanity is at stake.
Anyway, it got me thinking. There was something bugging me about this gay guy referring to his cruising as if it were a special lifestyle, -- a special Gay Lifestyle. Was the Gay Scene or Gay Lifestyle only about cruising for sex? Why wasn't there a thing called the Straight Scene or Straight Lifestyle? There are a lot more straights cruising for sex than gays. What made it so special that it was given a name of its own? And why does he refer to it as the Gay Scene?
I don't really suppose that I'm going to actually answer these questions with any modicum of facts and figures. Honestly, it's all just a hodgepodge of personal opinion. But I'm going to ponder my experiences and see what happens as I explore this idea of the Gay Scene.
The only real visible sign of gay culture that some people think of as the Gay Scene appears to be the leftovers of a culture that is reminiscent of its heyday in the 70's and 80's, when sexual liberation had matured and being out and proud was the new thing. I saw brief glimpses of it on TV growing up, -- but only after we got cable. Let's see, what do I remember? Ah yes, fabulous gender-bending queens, lots of skinny tan guys with pink feather boas and cut-off blue jeans-- cut to with an inch of their life, -- and those hot, shirtless, muscly men in their sexy leather chaps. Ooo, I need to repeat that. Hot, shirtless, muscly men in their sexy leather chaps. Sigh.
Anyway, was all of that audacious flaunting in the streets of San Francisco waving rainbow colored flags the Gay Scene? No, I think that was just California, although it has since spread to other states. To me it always looked a lot like a Mardi Gras except with less alcohol, less nudity and a visual distinction that looked, well, gay.
Incidentally, what in the hell does gay look like when it comes to judging the person? I can pass for the straightest acting gay guy east or west of the Mississippi and yet I'm as gay as gay can get. On the Kinsey scale of human sexuality I'm a 7. But people insist that I don't look gay. And only the really perceptive guys, who are looking for it, or my mom, will see the signals, but only after a while. And since my gaydar is sorely underdeveloped, I have to make sure I'm in or near the Gay Scene to get anywhere. But I don't know what that is!
What I've seen in the gay world and what I've seen in the straight world looks the same to me.
What I see is that the terms Gay Scene or Gay Lifestyle are pejorative labels used by people who think gays are, to put it nicely, icky. And those gay folks who think of themselves as icky and don't realize the double standard in play, would be the ones who use it on themselves.
The non-gay acting straight folks don't use the word lifestyle to describe their scene obviously. But insist on using that word to describe the Gay Scene. Well, except for S&M. The term "The Lifestyle" or "The Scene" is commonly used which is fine. But then those religious, non-gay acting straights, or rather, Christian anti-gay activists, would never admit to the existence of S&M amongst the straights. They make great attempts to convince everyone that S&M is only an uber-perverted, gay thing. Heh! Sorry to burst your bubble there Christianists, but it's not perverted and it's not only a gay thing! I dare say that the only thing about S&M that can be called perverted is the fucked up version that permeates the everyday life of many Christianists. But that is a topic for another time.
As a matter of interest, S&M is the only real organized lifestyle or scene to emerge from that wonderful leather subculture of the gay community. Unfortunately it has, almost completely, been taken over by heterosexuals. And quite frankly it sickens me! Every time I go online to shop for S&M gear, I have to hold back my gag reflex as I'm being assaulted by blatant displays of heterosexual bondage! Eww! I really wish these straight people wouldn't go around flaunting their sexuality so much!
Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, the Gay Scene. No wait, not yet. I'm not done ranting about Christianist. Allow me to indulge myself with some reminiscing.
I came out late in life. It wasn't that I just decided to come out of the closet to tell the world, I wasn't able to accept I was gay until late in life. Yeah, it's a long, sordid and sadly pathetic story so I'll spare you all and not tell most of it. But it went like this:
I was immersed in a religious culture that prided itself on demonizing the world at large. And as one would expect, doing it without a clue as to what the world really was. Mostly blanket statements about Satan's influence and ushering in the end of the world. To them Satan was a powerful force lurking around every corner waiting to turn people into miserable tools for evil. And because we had the "one true gospel", the evildoers were jealous and hateful of our fortune. All they were intent on doing was persecuting and corrupting us poor happy Mormons to be miserable like them.
Now, this isn't really about the Mormons themselves. It's about my friend and me as Mormons! And it's not pretty. Like all good, psychotic, God fearing, Christian religions, everything revolves around the denunciation of sex. We were taught, in church, starting at the age of puberty, that masturbation was a form of sexual abuse that makes you gay. And the worst possible thing that could happen to you would be choosing to get sucked into a debasing, vile addiction such as homosexuality. Yeah, that's what we were taught! Homosexuality was a debasing, vile addiction caused by masturbation. And not only that but homosexuality was a sin almost as evil as murder. Actually, depending on whom you talked to and what mood they were in, it was worse than that. All sex outside of marriage was an evil sin as almost as bad as murder, but homosexual sex was as bad or worse than murder! LOL!
I can laugh at it now but it was serious shit back then. Total Fucking Serious Shit! And when the AIDS scare hit our little socially isolated world, that Total Fucking Serious Shit hit the proverbial Totally Badass, Gas Powered, Super Shit Spreading Fan! The times of Sodom and Gomorrah had come! Gay people were no longer just perverted, child molesting, homosexuals. They were now perverted, child molesting, homosexual, ass-fucking Sodomites! And they were here to destroy humanity with the new plague of the century, AIDS! Oh, and anal warts too. LOL!
Still, I laugh at it now but it was serious shit back then! Well, it's still serious shit today but I digress.
My response to such religious programming in relationship to my reluctant self-discovery as a teenager was to stuff it deep down in the back of my mind and forgot about it. The gay world, the straight world, even my personal S&M alone time was all off my gaydar, radar and dungeon play, for 20+ years.
I was well aware of the straight world because all my friends at the time where straight and I had no choice but to accept the overt flaunting of heterosexuality. It was all too disgusting for a repressed, straight, gay-guy like me to willingly or even successfully participate in. Thank God! Though I still donned my S&M fetish gear, I kept it to myself so it didn't count. No one else was involved so no one knew. Sadly, such repressive and split-level thinking was driving me to insanity and suicide.
But, for the most part, the gay world was something that happened out-of-sight in a city far, far away. Except when I saw those brief glimpses on cable TV. There were a few times in college I would hear about some poor fool who, hanging out at the local rest stop down the road from the university, was labeled a fag and beaten within an inch of his life. A few of my straight friends liked to brag about it. I was privileged, several times, to hear about what they liked to do with baseball bats and faggots. Welcome to Happy Valley, Utah, USA! Goddamn, Fuckers!
Anyway, back to my gay friend. His response to the same religious programming was to feel ashamed like me but instead he rebelled and acted out his sexuality. Granted, at the time he lived in a more urban climate void of small town rumor mills and threats of violence. He told me that he started his college carrier by diving right into the world of gay sexual voracity. Whereas I, denying anything gay, watched in shock as all of my straight friends dove into the straight world of sexual voracity. Ironically, I suffered great pangs of guilt because I didn't obey my religious programming and disassociate myself from such evil people.
So what, specifically, had he dived into? He told me about the bars to get hookups, strip clubs, one-night stands, orgies and glory holes in the backs of porn shops. Yeah, I'm sure there is gay slang for this crap but I don't give a shit. It's still the same no matter what it's called and none of it is exclusive to the gay world. I lived in the straight world for 25+ years where I was around straight people who went to bars for hookups, strip clubs, one-night stands, orgies and glory holes in the backs of porn shops too.
So what am I getting at here?
The so-called Gay Scene is really just a gay version of the Straight Scene. There is no difference. The sexual activities and mating habits are the same in both worlds. The cheating, backbiting and game playing are the same in both worlds. STDs are rampant in both worlds. Prostitution prevails in both worlds. Drug and alcohol abuse continues to kill people in both worlds. People fall in love and make commitments to each other in both worlds. They have kids in both worlds. They get divorced and fight for custody in both worlds. They believe in God, go to church and pay their tithes in both worlds. They don't believe in god, ignore, shun or despise religion in both worlds. Both the gay community and the straight community have their fair share of sexually repressed, promiscuous, perverted, child molesting, ass-fucking Sodomites. The only difference is, there are a hell of a lot more straight ones than gay ones. But that's just because of the nature of probability.
So, while I was playing a scared-straight, upstanding Mormon and hating my life, my friend, bless his little faggot heart, was playing a rebellious straight-act, upstanding Mormon and hating his life, but with the benefit of having a shit load of gay sex. Lucky him!
He still lives in shame as a rebellious straight-act, upstanding Mormon and hating his life. But now he is married to a psychotic woman, has four kids, goes to church and the temple, pays his tithing and hates his life even more. He never witnessed much of the straight world except for the fairytale Mormon version. Something to this effect: Grow up and go on a mission, pay my tithing, go to BYU, get married in the Temple, have 11 children, we all turn out perfect, we win our spot in the Celestial Kingdom a few doors down from God's house, and live there for ever and ever and ever and ever, in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.
His view of the gay world is essentially what his religious programming tells him it is. And, as with all "True Blue Mormons", or any Christian fundamentalist for that mater, he compartmentalizes his beliefs. For him, having a firm belief in the church doesn't conflict with getting some hot man-booty on the side and then teaching in Sunday school about the evil homosexuals. I guess I should cut him some slack. After all, I was a "True Blue Mormon" once. Thankfully I figured it out and got the hell out. I'm sure he'll come around sometime too. At least I hope he will. His sanity is at stake.
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