Saturday, February 19, 2011

My Rejected Ensign Article

I was pondering once about how everything on earth seems to have a purpose and how it seems to be perfectly designed for our benefit, a good example being the banana, a natural food that is healthy and fits perfectly in my perfectly designed hand on my perfectly designed body.  Bananas being a perfect food should be eaten frequently, so I eat a lot of them!

But one day, I noticed something seemed to be off.  I wasn't feeling the spiritually upbeat feelings that I have always felt.  And I soon found myself on the toilet trying to poop but I couldn't. I pushed as hard as I could.  I didn't understand what could have gone wrong. Could I have eaten too many bananas?  This supposedly natural bodily process of a bowel movement was becoming especially difficult and increasingly uncomfortable, as it seemed to linger half way out of my butt. 

It caused me to doubt for a moment if God had really made everything perfect. If we really were perfectly designed, then why can’t I poop?  It seems like something is messed up in how this natural process was supposed to work. If I’m supposed to be designed to poop, than why is it so difficult sometimes?  Why would I have to work so hard to poop?  I began to curse God!  Why would God to that? 

I was having a crisis of faith.

But then, something amazing happened, which gave me pause and later shame for feeling any doubts.   When the poop finally slid out and plopped in the toilet, it made a perfect splash that hit me right square in the bum hole!  It was amazing!  The cool water sent shivers up my spine and I knew it was the Holy Ghost witnessing to me the truth of our perfect existence and divine potential.

What I was witnessing first hand, was a natural cleansing process.  The water splash in the perfect spot to render toilet paper and other man made cleaning to be unnecessary.  How could that be an accident?  That had to be designed that way!  By an intelligent designer, Heavenly Father!  The natural world and all its creatures were truly designed to be self cleaning! We may not be able to lick ourselves clean like a dog or cat but God didn’t intend for us to be cleaned that way.  He created a way for us to be cleaned naturally by making our poop splash water on us in the right place when we poop.

It was at that moment I became convinced that even though we may not always first understand the purpose of all things, with faith in God and the power of the Holy Ghost, all things will be revealed to us. Line upon line, precept on precept, all things will be revealed in time as long as we obey His prophets and trust that everything works in harmony as God has designed it. God is the creator of all things and has Intelligently Designed a way for us to be cleansed of all ungodly filth by immersion in the holy waters of anal baptism.   And again, through Christ’s Atonement, we will be cleansed spiritually of dirty thoughts about playing with our bums in ways that could make us gay.


  1. the name of the Son, Amen.

  2. :) Hallelujah! I believe!

  3. Ha, wow. This SO touches on my reaction when I hear people bear testimony about how it "must have been designed that way" in various applications. It's so irreverent and perhaps a bit distasteful but so very illustrative.

  4. The Ensign didn't accept that?

    I guess my article "Toilets of the Nephites" has no chance then.

  5. Great to see you posted this on your blog. I'm honored to have previewed it. Like I said before, you definitely have a way with words!!

  6. I’m a small peAce-de-resistance of a Larger Picture. God bless you.

  7. everybody poops!

    ~ cheers...

  8. I'm glad you all enjoyed.


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