It's happening again. I'm finding that I'm withdrawing into myself. I'm not out seeking people to talk to, despite my increased activity commenting on other's blogs; I'm not interested in a dialog. I'm just talking. Talking for the sake of wanting, needing, having something to say. And I've been saying a lot.
It seems silly to write huge comments on other's blogs when I not looking for interaction. Better to just write a big long post here that says the same thing and have it all in a concise easy to find location. I have a hard time remembering where I've posted my comments many times. Subscribing only works for a while and only if other people make comments. But, eventually, the activity dies down and it's all forgotten.
Looking in my Google reader, I am currently following 226 (and counting) blogs. Granted a few are Info/News sites and about a dozen or so of them are BDSM related, but the rest are very much the MoHo (Mormon Homosexual) blogosphere. I spend a lot of time poking into other people's lives. Mostly lurking, looking on from the outside. But I'm also moving further to the outside. Further away from the blogging community that I've currently found myself in.
I never set out to get blog listed into the infamous MoHo blogosphere, but it's there. I don't really know when it happened. I just noticed it one day. I was both honored and irritated by it at the same time. It honored me to get exposure, irritated me because it drove me to write things that would appeal to that particular audience. I felt a bit cornered. And I think it kept me from phasing out of the MoHo blogosphere arena as my ideas evolved. I don't consider myself a Mormon. I had resigned from the Mormon church the previous year before officially starting this blog.
So, as I've been commenting on other bogs I'm realizing more so now than ever before that I think very differently than most MoHo's. I don't connect with those who are still seeking acceptance with the religion and their religious family. I was never fully part of the Mormon culture growing up and I had given up even trying to be accepted by the culture long before I ever dealt with my sexuality, which then cemented the dichotomy into permanence. Ironic in that it took me years to discover and undo the habitual faking behaviors that I had developed as a coping mechanism to at least get by. Even though I wore tall black boots and long hair, I still had to conform in some things to keep the peace.
My family has been supportive for the most part but, by the time I got to dealing with my sexuality, I had essentially stopped caring about their acceptance anyway. Well, except for my mom, but she's the one who help me accept my homosexuality so her acceptance quickly became a moot point.
So, I don't really feel like I'm understood or accepted in the MoHo community because my experiences have been unlike what most are dealing with. And my spiritual journey, which does not involve Christianity, seems to be too esoteric (if not outright disturbing) for many. I've always felt like I've been on a different road and my adventure into the MoHo community was essentially a brief intersection. It's just I've sort of lingered here for a bit watching the action when I really should have just kept on driving.
It's not just the blogs; I'm also on various MoHo Yahoo groups too. I've become too liberal for them too. I've become even too liberal for Affirmation: Gay and Lesbian Mormons. I used to think they were too liberal.
Perhaps, I'm over generalizing people. I'm still connected to the MoHo world because I'm still very much a product of the Mormon culture from which this all has its roots. I'm just on a completely different road "out of here" than what it seems most people are traveling.
But I do keep reading them. I keep following them. Why?
I'm looking for people who are on the same road as me. I'm hoping that I will find someone I can make the same journey with on the same road "out of here". Each person out there who writes something that provokes a thought, an emotion, even a hidden resentment in me; I hope that they could be someone whom I can share the lonely road of self discovery. But when I open up and share my perspective, blank stares ensue. Granted, whenever someone expresses their hope that the church will someday grant them a gay temple wedding, I have a blank stare of my own. I'm a hypocrite. But I'm not going to try and convince them it's a lost cause. I do remember how hopeful I felt once. It's not my place to crush other people's dreams. I'm too busy letting my self-doubt crush mine anyway.
But that's not all, there is also this:
I'm also spending time watching my email inbox and Facebook page, and waiting for people to talk to me. But when they do, I ignore them.
My Facebook inbox has messages waiting for me. People poking, inquiring, wanting to know what has been going on in my life. My email inbox has a few people waiting on me too. Last Sunday I finally replied to someone after ignoring him for two months. I'm sure he gave up on me. Still, I have another one that I dropped the ball on 18 months ago. 18 MONTHS! And I have it highlighted in my inbox reminding me to reply. But none of these people are the people whom I want to talk to.
If I could just get honest with myself right now and admit that I'm really waiting for a particular person to call or write to me. And at the same time, I'm dreading it.
This person whom, over the past year I've developed feelings for. We used to have long and interesting email and phone conversations. He has been the closest and most intimate contact I've ever had with a potential partner since the mid 90's. And yet, we live on opposite sides of the country across three time zones. We are 17 years apart in age and we have never met face to face. We both set a goal together to meet up and attend Folsom Street Fair in San Francisco this year, a goal that I still have no idea if I can turn in to a reality.
The last few emails I've sent where short, sort of a "hello I'm still here" type of thing. They were weeks ago. We are 'friends' on Facebook. He spends a good deal of time on there posting comments about food, cats and politics. I sometimes write flirty comments on his posts. They seem to be ignored most of the time. I fear that he will delete them. (God, I hope he doesn’t read this.)
I worry that I've developed feelings for someone that will not or cannot reciprocate. My fear is that I've let myself fall in to another desperate, one sided, needy, pathetic relationship. He's busy yes, so am I. But the amount of time he spends on Facebook has given me doubts as to his honest interest in me. Especially if he will not reciprocate even a simple flirt on Facebook, even though he has told me in past emails he thinks of me often. But, those emails were weeks and months ago.
I can't even begin to touch on the things that irritate me about him, which causes me to hate my predicament even more. Seems unfair to be going through this seeing as we've been only acquaintances for about a year.
I'm desperate, one sided, needy and pathetic, indeed!
Is this what relationship angst feels like? I don't recall ever going through this stuff in high school or college. Is that what teens and young adults experience? It this how it works?
God I've rambled on.
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