Monday, May 3, 2010

Where am I going?

It's happening again.  I'm finding that I'm withdrawing into myself.  I'm not out seeking people to talk to, despite my increased activity commenting on other's blogs; I'm not interested in a dialog.  I'm just talking.  Talking for the sake of wanting, needing, having something to say.  And I've been saying a lot.

It seems silly to write huge comments on other's blogs when I not looking for interaction. Better to just write a big long post here that says the same thing and have it all in a concise easy to find location.  I have a hard time remembering where I've posted my comments many times.  Subscribing only works for a while and only if other people make comments.  But, eventually, the activity dies down and it's all forgotten.

Looking in my Google reader, I am currently following 226 (and counting) blogs.  Granted a few are Info/News sites and about a dozen or so of them are BDSM related, but the rest are very much the MoHo (Mormon Homosexual) blogosphere.  I spend a lot of time poking into other people's lives.  Mostly lurking, looking on from the outside.  But I'm also moving further to the outside.  Further away from the blogging community that I've currently found myself in.

I never set out to get blog listed into the infamous MoHo blogosphere, but it's there.  I don't really know when it happened.   I just noticed it one day.  I was both honored and irritated by it at the same time.  It honored me to get exposure, irritated me because it drove me to write things that would appeal to that particular audience. I felt a bit cornered.  And I think it kept me from phasing out of the MoHo blogosphere arena as my ideas evolved.  I don't consider myself a Mormon. I had resigned from the Mormon church the previous year before officially starting this blog.

So, as I've been commenting on other bogs I'm realizing more so now than ever before that I think very differently than most MoHo's.  I don't connect with those who are still seeking acceptance with the religion and their religious family.  I was never fully part of the Mormon culture growing up and I had given up even trying to be accepted by the culture long before I ever dealt with my sexuality, which then cemented the dichotomy into permanence.  Ironic in that it took me years to discover and undo the habitual faking behaviors that I had developed as a coping mechanism to at least get by.  Even though I wore tall black boots and long hair, I still had to conform in some things to keep the peace.

My family has been supportive for the most part but, by the time I got to dealing with my sexuality, I had essentially stopped caring about their acceptance anyway.  Well, except for my mom, but she's the one who help me accept my homosexuality so her acceptance quickly became a moot point.

So, I don't really feel like I'm understood or accepted in the MoHo community because my experiences have been unlike what most are dealing with.  And my spiritual journey, which does not involve Christianity, seems to be too esoteric (if not outright disturbing) for many.  I've always felt like I've been on a different road and my adventure into the MoHo community was essentially a brief intersection.  It's just I've sort of lingered here for a bit watching the action when I really should have just kept on driving.

It's not just the blogs; I'm also on various MoHo Yahoo groups too.  I've become too liberal for them too.  I've become even too liberal for Affirmation: Gay and Lesbian Mormons.  I used to think they were too liberal.

Perhaps, I'm over generalizing people.  I'm still connected to the MoHo world because I'm still very much a product of the Mormon culture from which this all has its roots.  I'm just on a completely different road "out of here" than what it seems most people are traveling.

But I do keep reading them.  I keep following them.  Why?

I'm looking for people who are on the same road as me.  I'm hoping that I will find someone I can make the same journey with on the same road "out of here".   Each person out there who writes something that provokes a thought, an emotion, even a hidden resentment in me; I hope that they could be someone whom I can share the lonely road of self discovery.  But when I open up and share my perspective, blank stares ensue.  Granted, whenever someone expresses their hope that the church will someday grant them a gay temple wedding, I have a blank stare of my own.  I'm a hypocrite.  But I'm not going to try and convince them it's a lost cause.  I do remember how hopeful I felt once.  It's not my place to crush other people's dreams.  I'm too busy letting my self-doubt crush mine anyway.

Ugh!

But that's not all, there is also this:

I'm also spending time watching my email inbox and Facebook page, and waiting for people to talk to me.  But when they do, I ignore them.

My Facebook inbox has messages waiting for me.  People poking, inquiring, wanting to know what has been going on in my life.  My email inbox has a few people waiting on me too.  Last Sunday I finally replied to someone after ignoring him for two months.  I'm sure he gave up on me.  Still, I have another one that I dropped the ball on 18 months ago.  18 MONTHS!   And I have it highlighted in my inbox reminding me to reply.  But none of these people are the people whom I want to talk to.

If I could just get honest with myself right now and admit that I'm really waiting for a particular person to call or write to me.   And at the same time, I'm dreading it.

This person whom, over the past year I've developed feelings for. We used to have long and interesting email and phone conversations.  He has been the closest and most intimate contact I've ever had with a potential partner since the mid 90's.  And yet, we live on opposite sides of the country across three time zones.  We are 17 years apart in age and we have never met face to face.  We both set a goal together to meet up and attend Folsom Street Fair in San Francisco this year, a goal that I still have no idea if I can turn in to a reality.

The last few emails I've sent where short, sort of a "hello I'm still here" type of thing.  They were weeks ago.  We are 'friends' on Facebook.  He spends a good deal of time on there posting comments about food, cats and politics.  I sometimes write flirty comments on his posts.  They seem to be ignored most of the time.  I fear that he will delete them.   (God, I hope he doesn’t read this.)

I worry that I've developed feelings for someone that will not or cannot reciprocate.   My fear is that I've let myself fall in to another desperate, one sided, needy, pathetic relationship.  He's busy yes, so am I.  But the amount of time he spends on Facebook has given me doubts as to his honest interest in me.  Especially if he will not reciprocate even a simple flirt on Facebook, even though he has told me in past emails he thinks of me often.  But, those emails were weeks and months ago.

I can't even begin to touch on the things that irritate me about him, which causes me to hate my predicament even more.  Seems unfair to be going through this seeing as we've been only acquaintances for about a year.

I'm desperate, one sided, needy and pathetic, indeed! 

Is this what relationship angst feels like?  I don't recall ever going through this stuff in high school or college.  Is that what teens and young adults experience?   It this how it works?

God I've rambled on.

5 comments :

  1. I grew up as a true believer, but still an outsider simply because I was different. I never got along with many people at church. I have spent a great deal of time doing things that I felt would help me fit in and understand Mormon culture, but they never worked. I walked around BYU for three years as an outsider. Sometimes I really relished the "outsider" status though.

    I understand what you are saying about blogging too. I write about three blog posts for every one that I post and it is usually because I feel like I have said something about the church that someone won't like or because what I said was too negative, etc... Which is silly because it is my blog and I should be able to write whatever I want. If it were a totally honest blog it I would not filter it so much.

    I enjoy your comments!

    ReplyDelete
  2. You haven't rambled, you've shared your thoughts.

    Not being Mormon, and only reading one other former Mormon blog, I can't comment on how other Mormons respond. But as a former Catholic I can understand your frustration with those who want a church to change, while realizing myself that it won't change that much in my lifetime.

    It seems that you've come up with a story in your head to explain the other guy's actions or inactions, when you may be misinterpreting what he is doing or his response to what you are doing. Why not be honest with him and tell him how you feel? No, it's not crazy to develop feelings for someone you haven't met. But don't fly across the country until you know where you and he stand and what you both want out of the friendship.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Send me an email if you would like to be removed from the MoHo Directory.

    Although, personally, I would like to see you stay. I think it's good to have multiple points of view. And, as you stated, you are "still very much a product of the Mormon culture"

    ReplyDelete
  4. I decided it's ok to be me and that there really are not many people like me out there. And, just to go with the flow and to be friends with people who are not like me. I don't say this to be special or unique, that is not what I am about. But yes it is because I am different, that's just a fact. Eccentric. Maybe a little (or a whole lot) weird. Scary. Warm. Open. Intriguing. All at the same time.

    I should tell you how much I love the gay dot. It is like the Mark of Zorro and I was honored to have it appear on my blog the other day.

    ReplyDelete
  5. @Reina

    But you were at BYU you couldn't have been that much of an outsider, right? I would have been booted off that campus even if I were visiting it. Tall black leather boots and long hair. I was not the sort of guy that blended in there.

    I did find a little niche in the USU music department during my first stint of college. But most of my professors were either active bishops or stake presidents. It didn't always go well.
    After I got back from my mission, I donned my tall back boots and long hair again and found another niche in the Engineering department at USU. Fewer bishops and stake presidents but the pressure to conform was still intense. You know, for "professional" reasons. Ugh!

    @green and purple

    You're absolutely spot-on. I have created a story. And the lack of communication just encourages it. I wished I could call him, but all I can do is send him an email and ask that he call me and then wait for it. If I try and call, it just rings because he doesn't have voicemail.

    It's the same way with my mom. I must text or email her and then wait. I have no idea when the call will come. Even if I suggest a time. Because that time seems to never be convenient for the caller.

    @Abelard Enigma

    It's fine. I've gotten over that for the most part. Besides, I think I still may have a good bit of Mormon themed angst in me and even though I'm going to move on to other subjects. But ultimately, that listing is up to you. It's your list. It's not my place to dictate to you what's on it.

    If I don't want to be on the list, I'll delete the blog. And I have no intention of doing that. It serves a purpose.

    @Quiet Song

    See? Again, I don't set out to be like the Mark of Zorro. Other people decide that.

    LOL! I'll try not to let it go to my head.

    ReplyDelete

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